I haven't written in awhile.
Must be summer.
Must be three kids.
Must be that my heart is still healing and I wonder do you truly want to know where I am? Do you dear reader, want to read about someone else's hurt...
This is the thing I know. Grief comes out of the blue. I truly have been doing really well. I wouldn't say that I think about loosing the baby even every day any more which is so nice to be honest. But the other night I found myself weeping .... again. Poor, sweet Jason. We are planning our first get-a-way (longer than 1-2 nights) from our kids since Caroline was born...so over 5 years. We knew this was an important thing to plan in our 2012 year and we are making it happen. As we were finalizing which week in October...I just all of a sudden lost it. I began to weep...see we will be going right when I would have been around 37 weeks pregnant....that's when our other 3 were delivered.
I wept the fact that we will be able to go. Isn't that silly? And I kept weeping. It came from the very gut of me. So sad to not know that little one. So so very sad.
I tell you this not because I am hoping for a bunch of encouraging comments that we will make it through this. Because see I know this. But I think that there are women out there who have lost little ones and you may not know that others still cry like you do....or that it is okay to cry...still.
I think that grief comes out of nowhere when Wyatt will come and lay his head on my tummy and say something about the baby in there. BAM! I will remind him that there isn't a baby any more. He sighs, and says "Oh yeah." Then later that same evening..."Mommy, we will have to have more water in the bath tub for when the new baby is in here with us." BAM! "No bud, remember there isn't any new baby anymore." "Oh yeah." Days will go by and he will talk about the names we should talk about for the baby. BAM! "No bud...." I pause...I tell him that would be a fun name (some thing CARS themed), but remember there isn't a baby to name any more.
I wept last night and the possible end of this season. For a woman, at least this woman, bearing children has been something I have dreamed about since being a little girl, and now the thought that that era is finished is daunting. I am not sure that I have dreamed past this stage...and for a dreamer that is interesting. My worth CAN NOT be in raising children. The weeping is honest. It's what I do with that weeping that will set forth my attitude towards the future. Does not bearing children anymore say something about my age...that my youth is ending...but that isn't a bad thing. I told Jason that stopping having children seems to mean that I have put and end so to speak to the length of time I will have this job. I am realizing I think as I type...that I haven't dreamed past children. I can't tell you what that looks like. What do you do after you've had your dream job?
Perhaps it's time to allow myself to dream. Do you?
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Teaching Modesty...
It is an interesting thing...modesty. Wanting to look trendy, cute, stylish, thin, fun, expressive, pretty...yet teaching that in today's world is difficult. I know that I can't expect to have a conversation with my girls when they are teens about appropriate or modest clothing if I haven't been having the conversation with them from the beginning. And I can't expect Wyatt to look at girls with respect about their bodies if he hasn't seen me model it and teach it to our girls.
I had a friend stop me today and ask where I got my running shorts because her teenage daughter noticed that I was dressed modestly and wanted to know where I got them. It caught me a bit of guard. I hadn't thought about my shorts being modest...but I guess in today's fashion they are. The mom said, "You never know who is watching you to see how you choose to dress." I guess I had thought about it in relation to what my kids see, but not as much about what my friends kids see. It is possible to have influence without meaning to.
I guess choosing modest clothing has been instilled in me since a young age. No bikini's were allowed in our household. My mom always said that she trusted me she just didn't trust the guy looking at me. I didn't understand that, and probably didn't until I got married. I have heard from some friends that living in the south you just can't say no to bikini's because we all vacation at the beach. Really? Is that the reason. (Sorry not trying to offend, I thought that was a silly reason.) I remember a very specific time in a department store. I wanted a mini-skirt so bad. My parents and I were out shopping. We found one. So cute. But it was a mini-skirt. My parents had me try it on and then they began asking me questions like. "How will you pick something up off of the ground if it falls?" I started to bend over. They stopped me and said, "No if you are going to wear this skirt then you squat down and pick it up keeping your knees together." Then I had to show them how I would sit in a chair. I remember it like it was yesterday. I don't think before that moment I had given much thought to how I bent down to pick something up or how I would sit in regards to my clothing. I would forever think about it from that moment on. All it took was my parents teaching me. I got to get the skirt by the way.
Another time in high school I was wearing a looser fitting shirt that I hadn't thought much about what would happen when I bent over. I didn't look at myself as a sexual being if that makes sense. I didn't look at my body and think some boy would lust over it. But I remember leaning over someone at a basketball game and a boy I knew commented that he liked my bra. I was horrified. I would forever put my hand up on my chest when I bent over now. All it took was someone making me aware. One time in the safety of my parents...another in the lustful comment of a teenage boy. I guess I would prefer for my children to have those comments coming from the safety of a parents voice.
Caroline and I have begun to talk about this since she was being potty trained. Talking about what is appropriate. What is modest. As we look at swim suits, we look at modest ones. Trying to find a tankini (because going potty for a little kid is way easier in a two piece that's for sure) that is modest. Because there is going to come the time when she is going shopping, and I hope she sees one of my friends and comments that she likes their clothing even though it is modest and wants to know where she can get it.
This applies to SO MUCH in parenting in general I think. I can't expect my child to learn and know about how to manage finances when they are older if we don't begin teaching them the "give-save-spend" lesson now. I can't expect them to know about what the consistent time with God can do in your life if I don't model it and begin teaching about it now...when they are young. I can't expect them to know what it means to respect the authority of a boss if I don't expect them to respect my authority. I can't expect my girls to know how to protect the thoughts of the boys they will date if I don't begin teaching modesty now.
So, I have to look at what I am teaching them. It's okay to say we can't afford something. That's good for them to hear. It's okay for me to say I'm choosing not to eat something because I want to be healthy. It's good for me to look in the mirror and ask myself if what I am wearing is appropriate. They are watching...Wyatt too. I don't want to discount what I hope this lesson teaches Wyatt, not just Caroline and Hope. It is my job to teach them. What am I saying...what are they seeing? Dear reader what are you saying...what are your kids seeing? It's a hard question to ask. But their future selves will appreciate it. Be bold. Be different. Start young. You are doing a good work and you can not come down from it!
I had a friend stop me today and ask where I got my running shorts because her teenage daughter noticed that I was dressed modestly and wanted to know where I got them. It caught me a bit of guard. I hadn't thought about my shorts being modest...but I guess in today's fashion they are. The mom said, "You never know who is watching you to see how you choose to dress." I guess I had thought about it in relation to what my kids see, but not as much about what my friends kids see. It is possible to have influence without meaning to.
I guess choosing modest clothing has been instilled in me since a young age. No bikini's were allowed in our household. My mom always said that she trusted me she just didn't trust the guy looking at me. I didn't understand that, and probably didn't until I got married. I have heard from some friends that living in the south you just can't say no to bikini's because we all vacation at the beach. Really? Is that the reason. (Sorry not trying to offend, I thought that was a silly reason.) I remember a very specific time in a department store. I wanted a mini-skirt so bad. My parents and I were out shopping. We found one. So cute. But it was a mini-skirt. My parents had me try it on and then they began asking me questions like. "How will you pick something up off of the ground if it falls?" I started to bend over. They stopped me and said, "No if you are going to wear this skirt then you squat down and pick it up keeping your knees together." Then I had to show them how I would sit in a chair. I remember it like it was yesterday. I don't think before that moment I had given much thought to how I bent down to pick something up or how I would sit in regards to my clothing. I would forever think about it from that moment on. All it took was my parents teaching me. I got to get the skirt by the way.
Another time in high school I was wearing a looser fitting shirt that I hadn't thought much about what would happen when I bent over. I didn't look at myself as a sexual being if that makes sense. I didn't look at my body and think some boy would lust over it. But I remember leaning over someone at a basketball game and a boy I knew commented that he liked my bra. I was horrified. I would forever put my hand up on my chest when I bent over now. All it took was someone making me aware. One time in the safety of my parents...another in the lustful comment of a teenage boy. I guess I would prefer for my children to have those comments coming from the safety of a parents voice.
Caroline and I have begun to talk about this since she was being potty trained. Talking about what is appropriate. What is modest. As we look at swim suits, we look at modest ones. Trying to find a tankini (because going potty for a little kid is way easier in a two piece that's for sure) that is modest. Because there is going to come the time when she is going shopping, and I hope she sees one of my friends and comments that she likes their clothing even though it is modest and wants to know where she can get it.
This applies to SO MUCH in parenting in general I think. I can't expect my child to learn and know about how to manage finances when they are older if we don't begin teaching them the "give-save-spend" lesson now. I can't expect them to know about what the consistent time with God can do in your life if I don't model it and begin teaching about it now...when they are young. I can't expect them to know what it means to respect the authority of a boss if I don't expect them to respect my authority. I can't expect my girls to know how to protect the thoughts of the boys they will date if I don't begin teaching modesty now.
So, I have to look at what I am teaching them. It's okay to say we can't afford something. That's good for them to hear. It's okay for me to say I'm choosing not to eat something because I want to be healthy. It's good for me to look in the mirror and ask myself if what I am wearing is appropriate. They are watching...Wyatt too. I don't want to discount what I hope this lesson teaches Wyatt, not just Caroline and Hope. It is my job to teach them. What am I saying...what are they seeing? Dear reader what are you saying...what are your kids seeing? It's a hard question to ask. But their future selves will appreciate it. Be bold. Be different. Start young. You are doing a good work and you can not come down from it!
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