Weeping...Still

I haven't written in awhile.

Must be summer.

Must be three kids.

Must be that my heart is still healing and I wonder do you truly want to know where I am?  Do you dear reader, want to read about someone else's hurt...

This is the thing I know.  Grief comes out of the blue.  I truly have been doing really well.  I wouldn't say that I think about loosing the baby even every day any more which is so nice to be honest.  But the other night I found myself weeping .... again.  Poor, sweet Jason.  We are planning our first get-a-way (longer than 1-2 nights) from our kids since Caroline was born...so over 5 years.  We knew this was an important thing to plan in our 2012 year and we are making it happen.  As we were finalizing which week in October...I just all of a sudden lost it.  I began to weep...see we will be going right when I would have been around 37 weeks pregnant....that's when our other 3 were delivered.
I wept the fact that we will be able to go.  Isn't that silly?  And I kept weeping.  It came from the very gut of me.  So sad to not know that little one.  So so very sad.

I tell you this not because I am hoping for a bunch of encouraging comments that we will make it through this.  Because see I know this.  But I think that there are women out there who have lost little ones and you may not know that others still cry like you do....or that it is okay to cry...still.

I think that grief comes out of nowhere when Wyatt will come and lay his head on my tummy and say something about the baby in there.  BAM!  I will remind him that there isn't a baby any more.  He sighs, and says "Oh yeah."  Then later that same evening..."Mommy, we will have to have more water in the bath tub for when the new baby is in here with us."  BAM!  "No bud, remember there isn't any new baby anymore."  "Oh yeah."  Days will go by and he will talk about the names we should talk about for the baby.  BAM!  "No bud...."  I pause...I tell him that would be a fun name (some thing CARS themed), but remember there isn't a baby to name any more.

I wept last night and the possible end of this season.  For a woman, at least this woman, bearing children has been something I have dreamed about since being a little girl, and now the thought that that era is finished is daunting.  I am not sure that I have dreamed past this stage...and for a dreamer that is interesting.  My worth CAN NOT be in raising children.  The weeping is honest.  It's what I do with that weeping that will set forth my attitude towards the future.  Does not bearing children anymore say something about my age...that my youth is ending...but that isn't a bad thing.  I told Jason that stopping having children seems to mean that I have put and end so to speak to the length of time I will have this job.   I am realizing I think as I type...that I haven't dreamed past children.  I can't tell you what that looks like. What do you do after you've had your dream job?

Perhaps it's time to allow myself to dream.  Do you?