Nursing - Part II

As you can see from yesterdays post...nursing finally worked for us. We worked hard at it. I pumped often to try to get something going. Also, if you have read the post called "Babies, Babies, Babies" you know that I do the whole schedule thing. I will tell you that while the schedule is GREAT! And I wouldn't pass up the full nights of sleep...the 4 hour schedule for me and a 12 hour sleeper at night diminished the stimulation opportunities and my milk supply did suffer.

To off-set the lack of stimulation I would do an additional pump before I went to bed around 10pm...every night. I share this because I wanted you to know reader that there is balance. Let me set the stage.

Baby blues didn't really hit me that hard with Caroline or with Wyatt...so I thought. Wyatt was so sick as a little guy that I got in my head the role and responsibility that I had in protecting him and nourishing him. I was doing the standard pump at 10pm for quite awhile...I was very passionate about it. Jason would see my fatigue and try to encourage me to drop that pump session and go to bed earlier. I would get so defensive with him...telling him that he had no idea...this was the only way I could maintain milk supply for Wyatt. I was beginning to be unhealthy in my thoughts.

It wasn't until April (So Wyatt is 5 months old...he's been sleeping through then night since he was probably 10 weeks old...)that I was having the conversation with my mom on the phone and I actually heard the unhealthy things coming out of my mouth...

Mom: What's keeping you so fixated on needing to pump that last one of the day.
Me: (getting defensive)Mom you don't understand this is the only way to keep up the milk supply.
Mom: I understand that. Don't you think you could drop it just every other night even?
Me: No. I have to pump. If I don't who will feed him if I die. There has to be enough milk in the freezer to get him through.

PAUSE

Hmmm. I heard it. Oh. My. Goodness.


Mom: Oh honey. That's not your job. The Lord loves him so much and would care for him if something tragic happened. Oh sweetie. Are you okay? Do you need to talk to someone.
Me: Oh my. I am just hearing it now for the first time since I am verbalizing these thoughts I've been having. I have been trying to take care of him "in case" I die. What? I'm okay mom. Hearing it...that's amazing. I had no idea I was THERE. Wow.


So that night I didn't pump. I watched the supply in the freezer dwindle...I had to relinquish control of my little guys well being to the LORD.

I wanted to share this because I think that it is important to know that there is also a time to stop. A time to stop pushing your brain over the edge. Some times you need to get help, see someone, and perhaps have some medical intervention. Some times you just need to hear it - like me- and hear the unhealthy thought conversations. I just want you to know that if this is you reader...you are not alone. Allowing the Lord to be the one to care for my baby was hard. It was so freeing to stop trying to be in charge. You know.

Relinquish. He's got it!

*pic of Wyatt be still my heart in that hat and dimples, and one of the sisters...precious.