A Lesson in Conflict Resolution

I do not proclaim to know how to do this...

I am not very good at it myself...

But I watch my children struggle...and I know I have to help even if it is feeble at best. 

I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day and she shared something about one of her children retreating away from a situation when she is teased, or has a toy taken away...basically when she is treated badly she will go and hide (this a pre-schooler by the way).  We were talking about if this was alright or should she be made to not leave and deal with this hurt right there.

Then there is the typical day in our household where the Caroline and Wyatt tend to play well with one another...but there is the standard "He won't share." or "I don't want to play with him anymore." or "She hurt my feelings." or "Ahhhhhh NO (followed with some version of a push)". 

All of these situations are so very normal.  But it is in the teaching of my little guys, and you yours how to handle these situations that I think will shape their ability to handle conflict resolution as teens and adults in a healthy way.  That's scary right?  I mean...if I am bad at this and would rather retreat how the heck am I going to teach this to my children. 

Prayer.  Yes of course you say.  Patience.  Thankful the Lord's mercies are new every morning.  One more...TIME.  This conflict resolution stuff takes time...took Wyatt an hour the other day.  He would not apologize to his sister for hitting and pushing her down.  So, he sat in his room on his bed (until he decided he would crawl under the covers and take a little snooze ...ummm no), then on the floor by his bed until he could ask the Lord to help him apologize for his inappropriate behavior.  But that took an HOUR.  Geez you would think a kid would snap out of it and want to play....

Oh but wait he is cut from the same DNA as his momma and daddy...and let's be honest don't we stew in it a bit before we go and ask for forgiveness or say "Hey can we talk about what happened that hurt my feelings?"  We take awhile.  So do they.

So in my opinion my friends child who is wanting to retreat when in a hurtful situation - honestly isn't that bad b/c wouldn we want ours to leave a situation where people are hurting them.  But, it's what that child does with it in a few minutes or days.  I think we do have to teach our children about going back...circling back around to the hard situations in life and handling them head on.

I wonder how many of our marriages would be different if we could learn about the circling back...after the emotions have died down...after the hurt has somewhat subsided.  Would some of the marriages been actually saved? 

So this prayer, patience and time that are hard to come by...come in amply supply from our Father.  I have actually prayed that the Lord would somehow stretch the time when I felt like I needed more of it...I don't know if time was actually stretched or he just helped me to be more efficient in the use of that time.  The patience I so desperately need when I lay my head on the pillow at night not quite sure how I will handle another day if it is like today....I wake up with new mercies - not just for my children but also for myself as a mother.  The prayer...well...isn't it wonderful how scripture says that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when just can't utter another word....

The Lord knows you. He knows your children.  I believe He would have us learn and then also teach conflict resolution to our little ones.  In our household it is going to the person you have wronged.  Look them in the eye.  Say I am sorry AND ask for forgiveness.  Then the other person answers back, Yes I forgive you. 

I think the asking for forgiveness part is crucial.  I must admit that when I asked this of Jason in our early marriage he would say you don't need to ask for forgiveness for that.  To which I would answer, but I do.  I disrespected you, or hurt you...or (fill in the blank) against you...please forgive me.  It's probably because my mom drilled in my head as a child, teen and young adult this phrase and it has stuck with me.

"Are you sorry you did it or are you sorry you got caught?"  (note to self...it might be time to begin saying that around here)

I think most of us would say - if we were honest - we are sorry we got caught.  But that isn't the true repentant heart.  Sometimes I would answer my mom that I was genuinely sorry I did something...I think the punishment changed if that was the answer...but they created such a climate at home that we also knew it was okay to answer that we were sorry we got caught. 

I want to be sorry I did something.  I want to teach that to my children.  I want them to have healthy interpersonal relationships with those around them.  Not stuffing anger away, but learning that sometimes you need a little space to calm down, but then how to go and circle back and make it right.

Teach me Lord.  Teach my children through me.  I am doing a good work and I can not come down from it.

Conversation with Caroline

It was a typical night. All kids were up in bed. Caroline had made her one trip down adventure. She gets to leave her light on until 8:30, reading or singing or playing...Jason told me earlier that she wanted me to come up and tell her to turn her light off at 8:30...and do the final tuck in. I think I remember saying "Really? She can't handle it if I don't come up there." It would be 8:30 in about 10 min. It's not that I mind going up...well...kind of...it's just I am tired by that point...I know she just wants one more interaction...one more hug...one more I love you. How can that be wrong. It isn't but sometimes...I am just so tired by that point that I don't always have the best attitude. Not that anyone else out there has this struggle too. So...it's 8:30pm I trek up there. We pull books out of her bed...toys out of her bed...snuggle her in...turn out her light. I lean in real close and pray the typical prayer I say over our kids, "Lord, I pray that someday Caroline will choose to ask you into her heart and call you Lord and Savior. I pray for her special man someday that he will know You and love Caroline like her daddy loves me." I hadn't barely said "Amen" and her sweet little voice began this conversation...

 C: Mommy I already did that.
Me: Already did what?
C: I already asked Jesus into my heart to be my Lord and Savior.

- trying not to get too emotional b/c she sometimes retreats when you make a big deal

Me: You did? Caroline that is awesome. I am so proud of you. When did you do that?
C: A few days ago when you were still feeding Hopey and I was outside playing. I did it all by myself (very proud of this) when no one else was around.
Me: I am really proud of you. Tell me more about what you said.
C: I was looking out at the woods and started getting scared so I just asked Jesus to come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior.
Me: Cool. That is a really big deal Caroline.
C: (as she is stroking my face) Mommy when did you ask Jesus to be your Lord and Savior?
Me: When I was about your age.
 C: I don't think Wyatt knows much about that.
Me: Well, you can tell him about it sometime.

 I came downstairs trying to hold it together and shared with Jason. We have prayed this prayer over her so many times and this is the only time that she has said this to us or asked me about when I did it. Jason and I both agreed that this is enough for now. There will be plenty of time for theology and does she understand sin...what she understands now is that when she needed help...she turned to Jesus. Not ME! I love that! Oh that she will always run to the Lord FIRST!

I could hardly think about anything else for awhile. When I covered her up before I went to bed I just looked at her sleeping and thought Oh Lord - eternity with Caroline. Thank you! Then the gracious hand of the Holy Spirit to draw her to him before she hits public school in the fall. I am grateful. I just wanted to share that this really BIG thing happened in our family. It was simple. Caroline didn't make it hard. Jason and I could have made it hard when she shared by getting all theological on our 5 year old...most importantly our LORD didn't make it hard! I am proud. I am excited. I have been praying for this since July 2006 when we found out we were pregnant with her. Answered prayer.

*Pics are of Caroline in her ballet recital costume for picture day and at the mother/daughter princess party.

No Matter What

Life. It has curve balls. It has unanswered questions. It is full of hope. It is full of opportunity. It is a training ground...not just for my kids...but for me as well. Some updates. I am good. My heart is good. I am healing. I am learning that there is a difference between remembering and dwelling. There is totally the option of remaining-forever, in the place of lost child. Of always having it have to be a part of conversation. Or, there is the option of letting what happened be a PART of my heart...and I can grieve when needed...I can talk about it when necessary...but it doesn't have to be a part of all of my thoughts or conversations. In a weird way...there is healing in the forgetting. Does that make sense? It's not a forgetting of what has happened...but it is a forgetting or a refusal to let the loss consume and take part of my conversations from now until I die. I know people who reside in this place...never moving on...never allowing what has happened to be a part of their story...but not the WHOLE story. So...I am working on remembering not dwelling. Most recently, I was in the hospital on Monday-Tuesday for about 24 hours. I am not trying to be redundant, but I am assuming that some of you read this that don't necessarily see all my fb posts. Ahhh you must have a life! Ha! I have been having some dizziness, and chest pain. And honestly...still do even now as I type this...it was all a little freaky to me on Monday when the symptoms were all happening at the same time...I even went and checked my blood pressure. I have a cuff here at home b/c of the high bp's I have had through my other pregnancies. My BP was high too....so off to the ER I go. We literally did almost every test they could have I think...and ALL tests came back normal. Since I am one degree (or two) shy of a medical degree here are my thoughts on this whole event that has happened. With every pregnancy I have suffered from high BP either during (except Hope) and after (all 3) from High BP for about 6-8 weeks post-partum. I have been told that I was not far enough along in the 4th pregnancy to have these kind of issues after the loss...however...I have never had BP issues unless I am prego or just had a baby. Let's be honest. I had a baby...be it early...my hormones are still having to adjust and get back to normal and for me post having a baby this is normal high bp for me...soooo I am still checking my BP at home (for my peace of mind) and going to report those in to the OB at my post op appointment in a couple of weeks and just see what he says about it too. My spiritual side of learning from this latest experience...I want so badly to be filled with praise NO MATTER the situation. I kept telling myself in the hospital that no matter what they tell me praise HIM! However, as it began to look like nothing was the matter I just started getting ticked off at having to be there...then I found myself praying and realizing that I had said NO MATTER the outcome...praise him...even if that means I am there - in a hospital - Jason is at home withe the kids missing work - and I was there...still PRAISE HIM! So, I began to walk the halls and pray for those in the rooms I was passing. I was going to Praise even through the boredom...through the hassle of being there...through the poking and prodding, the "cardiac wing"...I would Praise Him! I have also begun to ask the Lord if this is his way of using my body to tell me that we are finished...having more children...that perhaps it is time to give my body a break. I am so blessed to have been able to have 3 very healthy children w/ all of the complications of being diabetic. There wasn't a heart attack this time...but would next time be different post-partum? We are praying and seeking the Lord for answers to this question. Praying the Lord would ready my heart no matter the answer...and that I will choose to praise him NO MATTER what!!! Scripture says that we are to consider it ALL JOY! So...I am. I am going to consider loosing the baby a JOY...somehow. I am going to consider this expensive 24 hour stay away from my family (not quite how I envisioned it) a JOY...somehow. I am going to consider the fact that we might be finished having children...a JOY...somehow. What is it dear reader that you need to be praising HIM about and considering JOY NO MATTER what? Ask the question. Find the answer.