No Matter What

Life. It has curve balls. It has unanswered questions. It is full of hope. It is full of opportunity. It is a training ground...not just for my kids...but for me as well. Some updates. I am good. My heart is good. I am healing. I am learning that there is a difference between remembering and dwelling. There is totally the option of remaining-forever, in the place of lost child. Of always having it have to be a part of conversation. Or, there is the option of letting what happened be a PART of my heart...and I can grieve when needed...I can talk about it when necessary...but it doesn't have to be a part of all of my thoughts or conversations. In a weird way...there is healing in the forgetting. Does that make sense? It's not a forgetting of what has happened...but it is a forgetting or a refusal to let the loss consume and take part of my conversations from now until I die. I know people who reside in this place...never moving on...never allowing what has happened to be a part of their story...but not the WHOLE story. So...I am working on remembering not dwelling. Most recently, I was in the hospital on Monday-Tuesday for about 24 hours. I am not trying to be redundant, but I am assuming that some of you read this that don't necessarily see all my fb posts. Ahhh you must have a life! Ha! I have been having some dizziness, and chest pain. And honestly...still do even now as I type this...it was all a little freaky to me on Monday when the symptoms were all happening at the same time...I even went and checked my blood pressure. I have a cuff here at home b/c of the high bp's I have had through my other pregnancies. My BP was high too....so off to the ER I go. We literally did almost every test they could have I think...and ALL tests came back normal. Since I am one degree (or two) shy of a medical degree here are my thoughts on this whole event that has happened. With every pregnancy I have suffered from high BP either during (except Hope) and after (all 3) from High BP for about 6-8 weeks post-partum. I have been told that I was not far enough along in the 4th pregnancy to have these kind of issues after the loss...however...I have never had BP issues unless I am prego or just had a baby. Let's be honest. I had a baby...be it early...my hormones are still having to adjust and get back to normal and for me post having a baby this is normal high bp for me...soooo I am still checking my BP at home (for my peace of mind) and going to report those in to the OB at my post op appointment in a couple of weeks and just see what he says about it too. My spiritual side of learning from this latest experience...I want so badly to be filled with praise NO MATTER the situation. I kept telling myself in the hospital that no matter what they tell me praise HIM! However, as it began to look like nothing was the matter I just started getting ticked off at having to be there...then I found myself praying and realizing that I had said NO MATTER the outcome...praise him...even if that means I am there - in a hospital - Jason is at home withe the kids missing work - and I was there...still PRAISE HIM! So, I began to walk the halls and pray for those in the rooms I was passing. I was going to Praise even through the boredom...through the hassle of being there...through the poking and prodding, the "cardiac wing"...I would Praise Him! I have also begun to ask the Lord if this is his way of using my body to tell me that we are finished...having more children...that perhaps it is time to give my body a break. I am so blessed to have been able to have 3 very healthy children w/ all of the complications of being diabetic. There wasn't a heart attack this time...but would next time be different post-partum? We are praying and seeking the Lord for answers to this question. Praying the Lord would ready my heart no matter the answer...and that I will choose to praise him NO MATTER what!!! Scripture says that we are to consider it ALL JOY! So...I am. I am going to consider loosing the baby a JOY...somehow. I am going to consider this expensive 24 hour stay away from my family (not quite how I envisioned it) a JOY...somehow. I am going to consider the fact that we might be finished having children...a JOY...somehow. What is it dear reader that you need to be praising HIM about and considering JOY NO MATTER what? Ask the question. Find the answer.