Celebrating & Grief

First things first. Thank you so much for all of your prayers and messages. They have been felt and witnessed in so many ways that I hope to share today. This is a bit of a lengthy post so thanks for indulging me as I need to share my heart. I must start with Friday night. My in-laws said they would like to come and watch the kids so Jason and I could go out alone. It was so good. We celebrated that little life lost. We laughed, cried, and just were. We had a great dinner and then saw a movie...good for my heart. Heading to bed that night I wept. I mourned in the quiet of our room...just Jason and I...mourning the thought of never being pregnant again...mourning the thought that I was just sorry it happened and there was NOTHING I could do about it...mourning the "what if's" the questions we don't have to know the answers to yet. Like: What if this was our 4th. Maybe God had called us to raise 3 but have 4. Mourning. My sweet husband just letting me cry. Each of us letting the other handle this in the way that is unique to both of us. Saturday was a day of life celebration. See...Hope Elizabeth (our 3rd) turned one! What?!!! She is ONE! Oh my goodness. We had a few friends and family gathered that afternoon for food and festivities. I was so thankful for that day. Someone commented about the sweet timing of this all! I totally agree. We got to celebrate life the day after we learned of our littlest ones passing! God's grace in that was just that...gracious. I really feel like I was able to celebrate Hope that day. I wasn't grieving our glory baby (what I have begun to refer to this little one as)...I was in the moment celebrating her first year of life with our friends and family. That night there was just a river of tears flowing. It was some of that from the very depth of you weeping. Grief. I have found that there are moments when I can just speak of this and not get choked up at all...and then other moments where the sorrow will just overflow right on out of my tear ducts. I am trying to be authentic in my grief. Meaning if I feel it coming (like I did when I was hugging my chiropractor today...yikes) then I am just gonna let it come...but if I'm doing good...I promise I am not putting up a front and trying to "be strong". Sunday...a time for worship. It was so good. I anticipated that this might be a little emotional for me...worship usually is (shocker)...but then we got to the 3rd song...and the weeping began. I was right next to Jason (that doesn't always get to happen with his role on Sundays) I just laid my head on his shoulder, raised my hands in the air and wept...it was going to be my last day with this little one. My last day to hold it. Let me pause here to say a few things about what I was wrestling with in my heart and mind. See we have some dear friends of ours who the wife is a social worker in Labor and Delivery at a local hospital. She called on Friday night and asked me several questions I wasn't prepared for or even thought possible for that matter. I am going to share what she did...in case there is someone out there who might want to know these things too. She asked these hard and wonderful questions. *Did I want to hold the baby? *Did I want to take pictures? *Did I want to have feet/hand prints done? *Did I want to talk about cremation? What? This totally caught me off guard. I didn't think any of thins kind of a thing was possible with only having carried this one 9 weeks. I had thought those that have carried babies further than me and lost them this would be possible...but not this early. She said she had held an 8 weaker...what? Oh my goodness. I began to wrestle with this. Now she works at a hospital where this might be more possible than at a surgery center where I would be. Jason and I wanted to handle this in the way that was right for us. Not everyone. We knew we would have one chance to handle this process with this child...we didn't want any regrets. My mom gave me some great words as we processed this. She said, "Honey if you can't physically in your hand hold this baby don't worry about that. You HAVE been holding this baby for 9 weeks in the most intimate way anyone ever could...within you...as close to your heart as you ever would be able to...you HAVE been holding this baby. Ahhh I needed to hear that. Ultimately, where I landed was this. I am a very visual person who has struggled with nightmares my whole life. I didn't want to ask to hold the baby because I didn't want to give Satan any opportunity to turn this beautiful thing into a nightmare. BUT...I did want to ask if they could do the footprints of the baby. I went and bought some simple white linen paper and an ink pad...ready to ask...but okay if they say it wasn't possible. Sunday night my mother-in-law came back over to spend the night. As I walked upstairs with the meds in my hand to begin the process...I wept in her arms saying "I don't want to do this. I don't want to say good-bye. I hate that this is happening." I went upstairs. Wept more with Jason over the reality of saying good-bye...facing tomorrow...wanting to be brave and courageous...not fearful of the process...I took the meds and fell asleep weeping. I am thankful for the moments when I would wake and praise songs would be going through my head as I fell in and out of slumber. That was a gracious thing from our Lord. Monday morning came. We headed out to the surgery center...I hadn't thought about the other grieving women that would be there that morning. I was filled with prayer for them and their husbands as they were about to endure something awful too. Let me say that while this was an awful part...there was such a graciousness of our Lord to care for me through strangers. Those of you who are in the medical profession...thank you for realizing that some of life just flat out sucks and acknowledging it. So when I went in (the first one of the day) the nurse right off the bat as I was getting ready to sign some papers said "I am so sorry you are here today." Just saying that was filled with such compassion for us and what we were going through HUGE! Then I have to sign a paper that has the most awful word on it (missed abortion) she says again to me "I just want you to know this is a medical term and it is just awful it just means that you had a miscarriage. I am sorry that is the word." Again, her acknowledgment of the situation was HUGE. Then she gives me the clothes to change into and says "Oh I don't like those gowns...let me get you my favorite kind." What...she didn't have to do that...but the Lord had prepared her in advance for what I would need that day and whether or not she was a believer she followed her intuition to say certain things and have her actions match that. She wasn't the only one. The anesthesiologist came over and also said, "I'm so sorry for why you are here today. (but then he would crack a joke) but I've got some great meds for you. You're gonna take a great nap and we will take care of you and it will all be okay." Amazing care...thank you. Next my sweet sweet doctor came to see us. He asked if I had questions. I had a couple and one being about the footprints. He smiled and let me know that the baby really didn't have the information yet to have those fully so that wouldn't be an option. I was at peace with that. I am so glad I asked though. Then we asked about the remains. He said they would be sent to a lab to be analyzed and then would be cremated. That was so peaceful for me to think about. Then we asked if he would pray with us. He said absolutely. The 3 of us held hands, Jason prayed, and we all cried. Thankful for that moment. I was then taken back...had to climb onto the table myself. Didn't really expect that. I found myself thankful that my eyesight is so bad because then I could really make out all the details of the operating room...They were all still so careful with me...so kind. I began to weep. I didn't expect that. Oxygen...kind words in my ear...my doc squeezing my feet...and I was asleep. That might have been more information for you than you wanted. But this is cathartic for me to share. I don't know who is reading. Several of you have (in unexpected ways) commented that you didn't know how our story was already helping you to grieve some loss in your life...or draw you nearer to our Lord...sweet Jesus...that our little glory baby might draw not only us closer to you but total strangers...well then I will be obedient and share my heart...my honest, raw heart. In parting for today...and I know it's been a longish read...I share this. With each of our children we have chosen verses and songs for them. I believe I have shared about the verses before...Jason chose the girls. I chose Wyatt's and now this little ones song. Once we've chosen the verse I will share that as well. Caroline's verse: Ps 86:11 "Teach me your way and I will walk in your truth. Give me an undivided heart and I will fear your name." Her song: well can you guess "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond Wyatt's verse: 1 Chronicles 4:10 "O that you would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory. That your hand would be with me. That you would keep from evil that I may not cause pain." His song: from The Four Seasons "Can't Take my Eyes Off of You" Hope's verse: Colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord and not for men." Her song: by Bruno Mars "Just the Way You Are" #4's song: A friend (Thank you Emily) in a post reminded me of a song I knew way back when and it is a perfect song for our littlest. by the old group Watermark (Christy and Nathan Nockels) "Glory Baby" If you haven't heard this song it is a must listen...especially if you too have lost a little life. Blessings dear readers. Blessings to those of you who have lost a child...grieved their going...and celebrated their life no matter how short...continue in that process...the grieving and the celebrating. I am.