And So We Choose to Celebrate

Dear readers...

This morning at my 9 week update we discovered that our littlest one's heart has stopped beating.

I was in for my routine 9 week ultrasound (I have several due to my Type 1 Diabetes). I had brought Wyatt with me because we were going to have a date afterward. I was helping him with something on my phone when I looked at my sweet sweet doctor. He was quiet...looking. I said, "Is everything alright?" He grimaced and turned the screen toward me. I knew immediately. I said, "Oh there isn't a heart beat." He said, "No there isn't Allison, I am so sorry."

Side bar. I have thought about this scenario before. What will I do when someone tells me horrible, terrible news. I have thought often about Michelle Duggar (I am a fan) and the episode that they showed of them discovering they had lost Jubilee. Her first words were in praise to the Lord. I wanted to be this kind of woman. I want my response to the tragedies of life to be praise for and toward our Lord.

I am thankful that the first words out of my mouth were. "Thank you Lord. I am thankful you love this little baby more than we do."

My sweet sweet doctor is a believer. He would just squeeze my leg or foot. He explained that by the size he believes it was at about 8 weeks 4 days. That would've been last Sunday. A great day to go home to glory. You must know I believe that. I believe this child had a soul even in this tiny form. I had already seen and heard the heart beat at 6 weeks 2 days on my first ultrasound. Honestly, I am so thankful I heard my child's heart and saw it even if I will never feel it's beating in this life.

After the nurse left I started crying even more. I looked at my doctor who too had tears in his eyes. He said how sorry he was. I told him how thankful I am that he is a believer. Somehow it makes it easier in that moment. I told him how thankful I was that he was the one telling us and not someone else. I am thankful for the body of Christ.

When we got home we got Caroline and Wyatt together and shared with them that sometimes things happen that are sad and that we have no control over. The doctor told Mommy at her appointment that the babies heart had stopped beating. Now the baby lived with Jesus. My tummy won't get big. We won't bring a baby home from the hospital. They said ok. Then asked when do we get to have another baby? Later in the car Caroline asked this sweet question. "Momma when the baby is in heaven will it look like a baby?" I don't know. I believe we will know each other. Someday. I will know my baby. What it looks like...boy/girl? Our hugs will just have to wait a while to that time in glory.

It is heartbreaking. Yet I will celebrate. I have to. I have to choose this option in the my mourning of my child. Tonight we are going as a family to dinner to celebrate this life. Our kids don't necessarily know why we celebrate...but some day I will explain it again and they will understand. This was a life. A life worth celebrating.

I will have a DNC on Monday morning if it doesn't happen over the weekend. I would covet your prayers for that procedure.

I know many many women have had this happen. I am thankful that to this point this is our first time going through this experience. I will as usual try to be honest about what I am going through. Anticipating that the Lord might just use this to comfort another grieving heart.

I am thankful we chose to tell all of you in the earliest days. Knowing that if we should ever go through this...there would be this community to wrap their arms around us and pray. So...thank you. We are going to celebrate. Join us.

Deuteronomy 29:29 "The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever."