I do not proclaim to know how to do this...
I am not very good at it myself...
But I watch my children struggle...and I know I have to help even if it is feeble at best.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day and she shared something about one of her children retreating away from a situation when she is teased, or has a toy taken away...basically when she is treated badly she will go and hide (this a pre-schooler by the way). We were talking about if this was alright or should she be made to not leave and deal with this hurt right there.
Then there is the typical day in our household where the Caroline and Wyatt tend to play well with one another...but there is the standard "He won't share." or "I don't want to play with him anymore." or "She hurt my feelings." or "Ahhhhhh NO (followed with some version of a push)".
All of these situations are so very normal. But it is in the teaching of my little guys, and you yours how to handle these situations that I think will shape their ability to handle conflict resolution as teens and adults in a healthy way. That's scary right? I mean...if I am bad at this and would rather retreat how the heck am I going to teach this to my children.
Prayer. Yes of course you say. Patience. Thankful the Lord's mercies are new every morning. One more...TIME. This conflict resolution stuff takes time...took Wyatt an hour the other day. He would not apologize to his sister for hitting and pushing her down. So, he sat in his room on his bed (until he decided he would crawl under the covers and take a little snooze ...ummm no), then on the floor by his bed until he could ask the Lord to help him apologize for his inappropriate behavior. But that took an HOUR. Geez you would think a kid would snap out of it and want to play....
Oh but wait he is cut from the same DNA as his momma and daddy...and let's be honest don't we stew in it a bit before we go and ask for forgiveness or say "Hey can we talk about what happened that hurt my feelings?" We take awhile. So do they.
So in my opinion my friends child who is wanting to retreat when in a hurtful situation - honestly isn't that bad b/c wouldn we want ours to leave a situation where people are hurting them. But, it's what that child does with it in a few minutes or days. I think we do have to teach our children about going back...circling back around to the hard situations in life and handling them head on.
I wonder how many of our marriages would be different if we could learn about the circling back...after the emotions have died down...after the hurt has somewhat subsided. Would some of the marriages been actually saved?
So this prayer, patience and time that are hard to come by...come in amply supply from our Father. I have actually prayed that the Lord would somehow stretch the time when I felt like I needed more of it...I don't know if time was actually stretched or he just helped me to be more efficient in the use of that time. The patience I so desperately need when I lay my head on the pillow at night not quite sure how I will handle another day if it is like today....I wake up with new mercies - not just for my children but also for myself as a mother. The prayer...well...isn't it wonderful how scripture says that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when just can't utter another word....
The Lord knows you. He knows your children. I believe He would have us learn and then also teach conflict resolution to our little ones. In our household it is going to the person you have wronged. Look them in the eye. Say I am sorry AND ask for forgiveness. Then the other person answers back, Yes I forgive you.
I think the asking for forgiveness part is crucial. I must admit that when I asked this of Jason in our early marriage he would say you don't need to ask for forgiveness for that. To which I would answer, but I do. I disrespected you, or hurt you...or (fill in the blank) against you...please forgive me. It's probably because my mom drilled in my head as a child, teen and young adult this phrase and it has stuck with me.
"Are you sorry you did it or are you sorry you got caught?" (note to self...it might be time to begin saying that around here)
I think most of us would say - if we were honest - we are sorry we got caught. But that isn't the true repentant heart. Sometimes I would answer my mom that I was genuinely sorry I did something...I think the punishment changed if that was the answer...but they created such a climate at home that we also knew it was okay to answer that we were sorry we got caught.
I want to be sorry I did something. I want to teach that to my children. I want them to have healthy interpersonal relationships with those around them. Not stuffing anger away, but learning that sometimes you need a little space to calm down, but then how to go and circle back and make it right.
Teach me Lord. Teach my children through me. I am doing a good work and I can not come down from it.
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