My Purpose and Calling

Last night was a moment I don't want to forget.  It was gloriously unexpected...and wonderfully hoped for.

You see the church we attend and that Jason works for was having a special event to celebrate where we have been, where we are, and where we hope to be going.  It would be a night of worship and vision casting.  We were supposed to meet up with other families from our small group, but as life would have it that just didn't get to happen.  I was beginning to think I wouldn't go either b/c I couldn't find a sitter.  I wanted to be there to support Jason, but I also selfishly wanted to experience the night undistracted...and that wasn't looking like it would happen.  There was childcare for the youngest two, and Caroline would come with me.
Before the service (which didn't begin until 7pm - so this was pushing everyone's bedtime routine) they had food trucks come to the church...well they were slammed-everyone was sweaty and hungry...Wyatt was about to loose it...did a couple of times from the hunger...but he would calm down...then tackle one of his sisters to the ground all of them laughing!  Finally we eat, and head in to check them into classes just as the video begins to roll...Wyatt has a change of heart and says he "does not want to go in there." Instead of making a deal out of it, I just told him to come on and now I would have both of them with me in the service.  I came armed w/ crayons, coloring books, and library books...we sat at the back to be in the least loud place...and secretly an easy place to sneak out should I need to.
I worshipped...they watched...they worshipped...and colored...and asked when did we get to go home...but honestly it was great to have them in there with me.
Then the lights dimmed a bit more and it was time for communion.  With Wyatt on my lap, and C right beside me she asked what communion was.  I began to remind them about all of our conversations at Easter time when we do our Easter story all of Holy Week.  Yes they remembered.  We talked in our last row of the auditorium about Passover...about the Last Supper...about Jesus telling the disciples that he was going to die and from now on a way they could remember him was that every time they ate bread to do it in remembrance of him, that it was his body broken for them.  Then I explained about the wine, that it was his blood and what he said to the disciples. I told them, that taking communion for someone who has a relationship with Jesus, who has asked them into their life and heart is a way that we remember him and honor him and all that he sacrificed for us.  Caroline immediately asked if she could take communion also - see she asked Jesus into her heart a year ago May - I told her yes.  Then this sweet little voice on my lap said, "I want to ask Jesus into my heart mom."

Pause here.  Wyatt and I have been having conversations about this for months.  Caroline might bring it up, or something...he has been asking questions...I would answer them then ask him if he would like to ask Jesus into his heart.  No was the recurring answer.  Ok...that was fine, I knew it would be the Holy Spirit's doing and not mine.  I would let him know he could ask me questions or Caroline, or Daddy and we would love to answer them.  Wyatt is a kid that will pray every once in a while...on his terms...or practice his life verse...on his terms...never at my leading.

So when he said, "Mom I want to ask Jesus into my heart."  My heart skipped a bit at the thrill of this holy moment that was about to happen in the last row...everything else faded away and it was just me, C and Wyatt!  So I asked if he remembered that he was a sinner, and did wrong things, but that Jesus died for those sins and came back to life?  Yes, he remembered.   So then I asked him to repeat a prayer after me...it went a little like this, and his sweet little voice repeated the whole thing..."Jesus, I know that I am a sinner and make bad choices sometimes that hurt you.  But I know that you love me, and died for my sins and want me to be in your family.  Thanks Jesus.  Amen."  Then without hardly a pause he turned and looked at me and said, "Is he in there?"  - Love it - "Yes bud he is and always will be."

Right after that the communion tray appeared out of nowhere on our row, the 3 of us grabbed our elements, I handed the tray off and then I led my sweet kids in their first communion.  It was all I could do to not run up to Jason - who was producing the event- and tell him what happened....or have him throw all of that down to come back to the last row to join us...it was so special to do that with Wyatt and Caroline.

I shared later with my parents and Jason's and my mother-in-law thanked me for sharing Christ with Wyatt.  I just said back it is my purpose and calling.  I don't think I have ever thought it so clearly as I did last night.  Teaching my children about Jesus...all parts...and then having that moment with my son was a fulfillment I believe of my purpose as a mom.  I am really thankful that all our babysitters were busy...and that Wyatt was having yet another moment of not wanting to go where I was wanting him to go...and that my selfish heart at wanting alone worship time didn't happen...because my son asked Jesus into his heart.  There will be lots of time for theology with Wyatt in the years to come about sin, and forgiveness, and grace etc...but what happened last night was epic.

My son and Eternity now go together.

Coming out of the Storm

There is a burden we carry as parents to train and teach our children in the way they should go.  The first 5 years are supposedly some of the hardest...those are the discipline years where all of the "rules" are laid out and taught to be obeyed regardless...right?  I find no coincidence in the fact that the 4th year for both Caroline and Wyatt have been the most difficult thus far.  It has been a stormy few months for my dear Wyatt.
You can almost see the storm clouds that lurk above his head these past 8 months...almost as he blew out the candles on his 4th birthday cake the push back began.  The testing of all that we had taught the first 4 years of life...did we REALLY mean it...would we REALLY  still discipline.  Would we ride out his storm and just pull our heads in, cover up with a towel, and brace our selves for what he would bring.

OR....

Would we call to the Lord and say "Jesus help"...and watch HIM calm the storm.

There were days I felt like I was just bracing myself for what kind of anger, and venom it almost felt like would pour out of him.  Anger at playing with Hope.  Anger and me for asking him to help.  He had this way of saying "Momma" that started low and then increased in volume and pitch...not pretty.  But you know you get in your rut, and you think oh it isn't really that bad...then he calls your name that way in public...and it horrify's you.  I found myself asking myself which was the lesser of the two evils and trying to choose a path that would be the least likely to awaken the storm....

but then...

I believe the Lord allows us to see our children clearly.  I prayed earnestly throughout the day my simple "Jesus help" prayer...help me to really SEE him..to see him 10-15 years down the line and what that would look like should the behavior really go unchecked.  When I heard him say "Momma" that way in public...I was horrified...I should have been horrified at home too...so he and I had a little chat.  A chat about what was allowed, tone of voice, looks, no more pouting of lips, no more hands on hips, no more stomping of your foot.  Discussing that it is alright to be mad, and even tell me you are mad...however, you will not be disrespectful in your anger to me.

His storm raged against me.  Several trips for spanks, and hugs, and "I Love You no matter what" were had...and slowly...his storm is quieting.  It has been about 4 weeks...and I feel Wyatt is emerging.  His storm is less...in fact I heard this from his sweet mouth today.  "Come on Hope, let's play store.  Can I push your shopping cart?  Okay, thanks."  And then later in the car to her, "Hope, if you get scared just remember that God is always with you.   And I will be there to help you if you fall down."

It is a beautiful picture...after the storm.  The peace.  The fresh clean landscape.  He is emerging.

Dear reader.  There is a storm that rages in each of us I believe.  We either learn to quiet it at 4...or 14, or 24...letting the Lord quiet our storms is crucial.  Learning it at a young age, so then they are armed with that truth later in life...when the rage just can't seem to be quieted...or the anguish...or the loneliness...or fear...hopefully they will remember those are the lies...not the fact that He is always with us.  Help your littles...stand up to the storm and ask Him to quiet them...don't endure and brace yourself...say "Be still."  It has been oh so hard to watch him this past year.  To feel almost embarrassed by his choices...then remembering he is just 4...I still need to train and teach him...it will pay off.  It is paying off.  You can do it sweet reader...they need you to.

Letting her Go

This summer has been a summer of wrestling with sending Caroline back to school or not.  Hear me out.  We have loved her experience at our local public school.  Her kindergarten teacher was awesome. She made great new friends.  She learned a ton.  But once she got home for the summer...I couldn't stand to send her back.
If you remember it was a total God thing that we decided to not homeschool at all.  Check out these posts in case you haven't read them: "The Education"; "The Education - Part II"; "It's Coming - The Education".  You will really hear my heart with how we got to public education for our family.  So to feel this summer like maybe we needed to review sending her back for 1st grade caught me off guard.
As I began to analyze it...pray about it...I didn't feel like we were to pull her, but rather that I was just acknowledging that I WANTED her home.  That I LIKED having her here.  I LOVE watching her interact w/ her siblings all day.  I began to think through this thought...maybe you have too...that I have a small window of influence with my children.  Let me clarify...my parents still have influence..however, I am not naive to believe that there won't be a time when my kiddos will prefer the influence of others OVER the influence of Jason and I.  So, I am sitting here this summer thinking, "Caroline wants to be home.  She would love for us to tell her she is homeschooling.  She actually wants my influence right now.  Am I loosing an opportunity for influence with her."
I shared this thought w/ Karen Stubbs (dear mentor and founder of Birds on a Wire www.birdsonawiremoms.com) and her immediate response was this.  "Allison you are expanding your influence." *This caught me off guard, and the tears began to well up.  "Caroline is going to go into her class and be a light.  That will be noticed by other kids and moms.  They will ask you about her, and you will have an opportunity to share about the Lord."  Oh my!  A wonderful reminder.  That is exactly why Jason and I felt like we were to do public school in the first place.  We felt the Lord was calling us specifically (I am not saying this what all should do -but for us) to use the public school system as a ministry opportunity.  To invest...to invite...that He would enlarge our territory.

So my dear Caroline Dale trotted off to First Grade yesterday!  She was so brave.  She was so nervous. As she climbed out of the car I snapped a photo of her walking into school.  I whispered a prayer out the window.  "Whisper to her heart Lord that you are with her.  She is so nervous."  Later yesterday she told me didn't have time to miss me because she just had so much fun.  Thank you Jesus.  This morning as I dropped her off again for day two...I was fine until she turned around and came back for one more kiss.  I cried as I drove away.  I prayed "Whisper to both our hearts Lord."  He has.   It has been a good day with my other two munchkins...watching Wyatt be a big brother...he is getting so much better at it!  Hope going on the potty!  But my big girl comes home in 15 min.  I have been watching the clock all day.  Loving our opportunity for influence expanding...loving my influencer coming home!