The Ministry I Didn't Want

I have had this idea ringing throughout a good deal of my thoughts the last several weeks, well months actually.  When the Lord asks something of you...what is your response?  A "well maybe"..."let's see if something else more fun comes along"...anger...thrill...perhaps it depends on what He is asking huh?

I mean...asking me to marry Jason.  Heck yes!  Thrilled.

Finding out I had diabetes...I was angry.  Yet...there is a purpose there...with my doctors.  To hear them comment on my approach, my joy...He is using me there.

It's about our response to His question isn't it.  It's about what we do with where He already is...does that make sense?  He is working in and around us regardless of our participation...wouldn't it be glorious to actually join him...even in the pain.

See I have come to this thought as so many people are commenting that the words in this blog have been an encouragement.  That it is challenging them...that it is...ministering.  When I heard those words from some close and not so close friends...I paused.  See - I don't want this ministry.  I don't want to know what it is like to loose two babies in a year.  What it feels like.  What anguishing sobs feel like.  I don't.  But...I do.  It isn't all about ME.

The Lord is about redemption.  About drawing us in.  About healing that broken spot.  About letting joy flood the desert.  And then, when we do that...allow the pain and the healing and then allowing others witness it...I believe He is glorified.  I believe that He is honored.  He is shall I even say delighted.

I didn't and still don't want a ministry like this.  Yet...I am not sure the Lord asked me. Ha.  In fact I am pretty sure He didn't.  But he is at work in someone's heart reading this.  To heal the broken.  To mend that which man can not.  

I hear story after story from our broken world.  Opportunities for the Lord to use us to help be His hands and feet...to minister to those around us.  I wonder what their, our responses would be.

The marriage that is ending...adultery...laziness...I have watched friends of mine go through this and now on the other side have a "ministry" to others going through the same thing.  They didn't ask for that kind of ministry.  Yet they have it.

My friend struggling through infertility right now.  I hate it for her - her husband.  I hate the agony it is brining her.  There is a ministry there.  Whether she wants it or not.

My friend who's 2nd of 3 children was just diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  Not something she would have chosen...yet in even just these few short days I hear her rejoicing that it isn't something worse, and having a thankfulness that she is so organized so she can keep all their needs met.  He will use her.

I am still in the midst of grief.  It hasn't finished it's mark on me yet.  A new borns cry will catch me off guard in the grocery store.  I will graze my stomach doing something and the emptiness will overwhelm me.  Yet.  Yet.  It is possible to cry and be filled with a purpose, with a joy, and it is truly indescribable.    Somehow, He has allowed my pain to draw me into Him thereby...I hope drawing someone else to Him also.

So reader I ask this.  What is the ministry that the Lord might have right there at your feet.  Will your anguish, or joy thrust you into caring for those around you there by glorifying the Lord.  In the uncertainty of your swinging life...will joy fill your face?

The Loosing...

Oh how the Father prepares our hearts for things ahead of time.  His graciousness in that is absolutely that...gracious.

At my OB appointment yesterday...I discovered that that sweet little peanut in there stopped growing at 7 weeks 6 days.  Initially we tried to find the heart beat, but couldn't.  My doc didn't seem concerned and neither did I as I wasn't quite 11 weeks yet, and I think it is usually at 12 weeks that you can hear it.  So he just said let's go across the hall and do an ultrasound.  Fine by me...but then as the image came to the screen...it was just too small...no movement...no flickering heartbeat.   I am thankful that the words coming out of my mouth were the Lord's name.  Not in an angry way, but just saying "Jesus, Jesus, oh sweet Jesus.  Thank you for this baby.  Father help."

Our doctor knows the Lord, goes to our church...and cried right along with me- we are so blessed by Dr. Lewis.  I sobbed.  Dr. Lewis made sure that I understood that it wasn't anything that I did to cause this...that diabetes is a risk yes...but I - Allison - didn't cause this.  So good for my heart to hear him say.  I told him that I didn't know if he considered his job a ministry, but it is.  Knowing he loves the Lord is precious to our family because he will walk through this with us in such a different way.  The way he cares for all of his patients is a ministry.

I filled out the awful necessary paperwork for the DNC  that will happen on Monday morning at 7:30am.  I asked if it would be the same personnel as last time...see we did all this last April 20...he said yes it will probably be many of the same people.  I wanted to make sure Dr. Lewis knew that they were incredible down there last year.  They all acknowledged why I was there and that it stunk.  I appreciated that so very much.  They truly cared for me and what we were going through.

Last night Jason and I got a babysitter at the last moment, and went, like we did last year...out to celebrate this little life.  We toasted, cried...and even laughed quite a bit last night.  It has been an honor that the Lord would ask us to carry life within us.

This early morning I feel a bit numb.  I can't believe we are going to go through all of this again.  But somehow...it feels different this time, perhaps it's because we know what Monday will be like.  And we know we made it to the other side of grief last time.

So today...I am choosing to rejoice in my caring Father...who knew everything about that little peanut and knew it was best He take him to heaven...to hang with glory baby.

When I said at the beginning that the Lord is gracious to prepare us ahead of time...this is what I mean by that.  This situation actually reminds me of the week before my grandmother passed away (You can read it in the post called "Forgiving Ada") and the Lord asked me to forgive her.  None of us knew she would pass the next week...I actually didn't know I had forgiving I needed to do.  But I did...so I forgave...and then He took her home the next week.  I was so thankful that I had forgiven her- there was no animosity there.  And now, with this little peanut...I had had a difficult time being excited...allowing this pregnancy to be its own and special (read the previous post called "This Baby")...but last week the Lord did that.  I am so thankful because now I grieve This baby...I celebrate This baby.

So friends...rejoice with us.  Rejoice in knowing that our Lord is oh so gracious...even in tragedy...even in heartbreak...He alone is enough.  He alone is worth praising.  Don't get me wrong...I am devastated...heartbroken...yet confident that my God knew best.  I am blessed to have been this babies momma, even for just a short while.

John 1:16 "From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another."

This Baby

In case you missed the news on face book several weeks ago...I am pregnant.  Ten and a half weeks as of today.  It has been an interesting journey for my heart this time around.  Probably to be expected...

Back in late February we found out we were expecting.  I honestly feel like the Lord told my heart that morning while I was exercising.  I was in the midst of Jillian Michaels "30 Day Shred" (yikes) and I felt like the Lord said, "Carry this baby."  Uhhhh, Ok Lord.  I guess I ought to go buy a pregnancy test.  I did just that...Jason was out of town though...I still couldn't wait.  I tried to get him on the phone...couldn't so I sent him a text of a pic of me holding the pregnancy test by my belly.  He immediately called...fun!

But then, the cautious heart came.  Even prevailed it seemed in these early weeks.  I didn't really feel like reading in my "What to expect when you're expecting" book to see what was developing.  Another hard emotional component that I wasn't expecting was how difficult it would be to gain weight.  I have worked so very hard this past 9 months to shed the excess...that now - for a very good reason - I was supposed to gain...

I am thankful I was able to speak honestly with Jason that I felt this reserved excitement over this child. I believe I just was guarding myself for the potential pain of loosing another child.  I thought I just can't do that again....so if I stay guarded then maybe it won't happen or it won't hurt as bad if it does happen.
There have even been a few days where I have found myself ( I know all of this isn't very rational...but perhaps strikes a chord with someone) grieving for Glory baby that I lost that one and feeling bad for it...that this one is making it...A weird thought perhaps...but mine none-the-less.

So this now brings me to my break through moment with the Lord this past weekend.  Over the last several months as I have begun to have exercise be a vital part of my life...the Lord has really used that time to shape me, and my heart towards him and prayer for others.  This particular morning however, I found myself in ernest prayer for ...me...for this baby...for SOME KIND of excitement to come into my heart.  For cautiousness to go away...Fear to vanish...and I felt like the Lord said again to my heart, "Carry this baby."  Me: Well yes Lord.  "No Allison, carry THIS baby.  Stop trying to carry Glory baby.  She is exactly where I want her to be...with me.  Now carry THIS baby."  Such sweet solace to my soul.  Of course.  I had been trying to carry the one that was lost...staying there in that place instead of rejoicing in the newness that HE brings...Oh sweet Jesus...thank you for speaking to my heart...thank you  for teaching me to hear your voice...blessed.

And so...dear reader...for me this lesson was a reminder to look to the future and not to dwell in the past.  To embrace and relish in His new mercies...what is it perhaps that He might be asking you to let lay in the past...leaving the fear...the cautiousness behind and instead doing today what He might have you do.