This Baby

In case you missed the news on face book several weeks ago...I am pregnant.  Ten and a half weeks as of today.  It has been an interesting journey for my heart this time around.  Probably to be expected...

Back in late February we found out we were expecting.  I honestly feel like the Lord told my heart that morning while I was exercising.  I was in the midst of Jillian Michaels "30 Day Shred" (yikes) and I felt like the Lord said, "Carry this baby."  Uhhhh, Ok Lord.  I guess I ought to go buy a pregnancy test.  I did just that...Jason was out of town though...I still couldn't wait.  I tried to get him on the phone...couldn't so I sent him a text of a pic of me holding the pregnancy test by my belly.  He immediately called...fun!

But then, the cautious heart came.  Even prevailed it seemed in these early weeks.  I didn't really feel like reading in my "What to expect when you're expecting" book to see what was developing.  Another hard emotional component that I wasn't expecting was how difficult it would be to gain weight.  I have worked so very hard this past 9 months to shed the excess...that now - for a very good reason - I was supposed to gain...

I am thankful I was able to speak honestly with Jason that I felt this reserved excitement over this child. I believe I just was guarding myself for the potential pain of loosing another child.  I thought I just can't do that again....so if I stay guarded then maybe it won't happen or it won't hurt as bad if it does happen.
There have even been a few days where I have found myself ( I know all of this isn't very rational...but perhaps strikes a chord with someone) grieving for Glory baby that I lost that one and feeling bad for it...that this one is making it...A weird thought perhaps...but mine none-the-less.

So this now brings me to my break through moment with the Lord this past weekend.  Over the last several months as I have begun to have exercise be a vital part of my life...the Lord has really used that time to shape me, and my heart towards him and prayer for others.  This particular morning however, I found myself in ernest prayer for ...me...for this baby...for SOME KIND of excitement to come into my heart.  For cautiousness to go away...Fear to vanish...and I felt like the Lord said again to my heart, "Carry this baby."  Me: Well yes Lord.  "No Allison, carry THIS baby.  Stop trying to carry Glory baby.  She is exactly where I want her to be...with me.  Now carry THIS baby."  Such sweet solace to my soul.  Of course.  I had been trying to carry the one that was lost...staying there in that place instead of rejoicing in the newness that HE brings...Oh sweet Jesus...thank you for speaking to my heart...thank you  for teaching me to hear your voice...blessed.

And so...dear reader...for me this lesson was a reminder to look to the future and not to dwell in the past.  To embrace and relish in His new mercies...what is it perhaps that He might be asking you to let lay in the past...leaving the fear...the cautiousness behind and instead doing today what He might have you do.