The Loosing...

Oh how the Father prepares our hearts for things ahead of time.  His graciousness in that is absolutely that...gracious.

At my OB appointment yesterday...I discovered that that sweet little peanut in there stopped growing at 7 weeks 6 days.  Initially we tried to find the heart beat, but couldn't.  My doc didn't seem concerned and neither did I as I wasn't quite 11 weeks yet, and I think it is usually at 12 weeks that you can hear it.  So he just said let's go across the hall and do an ultrasound.  Fine by me...but then as the image came to the screen...it was just too small...no movement...no flickering heartbeat.   I am thankful that the words coming out of my mouth were the Lord's name.  Not in an angry way, but just saying "Jesus, Jesus, oh sweet Jesus.  Thank you for this baby.  Father help."

Our doctor knows the Lord, goes to our church...and cried right along with me- we are so blessed by Dr. Lewis.  I sobbed.  Dr. Lewis made sure that I understood that it wasn't anything that I did to cause this...that diabetes is a risk yes...but I - Allison - didn't cause this.  So good for my heart to hear him say.  I told him that I didn't know if he considered his job a ministry, but it is.  Knowing he loves the Lord is precious to our family because he will walk through this with us in such a different way.  The way he cares for all of his patients is a ministry.

I filled out the awful necessary paperwork for the DNC  that will happen on Monday morning at 7:30am.  I asked if it would be the same personnel as last time...see we did all this last April 20...he said yes it will probably be many of the same people.  I wanted to make sure Dr. Lewis knew that they were incredible down there last year.  They all acknowledged why I was there and that it stunk.  I appreciated that so very much.  They truly cared for me and what we were going through.

Last night Jason and I got a babysitter at the last moment, and went, like we did last year...out to celebrate this little life.  We toasted, cried...and even laughed quite a bit last night.  It has been an honor that the Lord would ask us to carry life within us.

This early morning I feel a bit numb.  I can't believe we are going to go through all of this again.  But somehow...it feels different this time, perhaps it's because we know what Monday will be like.  And we know we made it to the other side of grief last time.

So today...I am choosing to rejoice in my caring Father...who knew everything about that little peanut and knew it was best He take him to heaven...to hang with glory baby.

When I said at the beginning that the Lord is gracious to prepare us ahead of time...this is what I mean by that.  This situation actually reminds me of the week before my grandmother passed away (You can read it in the post called "Forgiving Ada") and the Lord asked me to forgive her.  None of us knew she would pass the next week...I actually didn't know I had forgiving I needed to do.  But I did...so I forgave...and then He took her home the next week.  I was so thankful that I had forgiven her- there was no animosity there.  And now, with this little peanut...I had had a difficult time being excited...allowing this pregnancy to be its own and special (read the previous post called "This Baby")...but last week the Lord did that.  I am so thankful because now I grieve This baby...I celebrate This baby.

So friends...rejoice with us.  Rejoice in knowing that our Lord is oh so gracious...even in tragedy...even in heartbreak...He alone is enough.  He alone is worth praising.  Don't get me wrong...I am devastated...heartbroken...yet confident that my God knew best.  I am blessed to have been this babies momma, even for just a short while.

John 1:16 "From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another."