The Ministry I Didn't Want

I have had this idea ringing throughout a good deal of my thoughts the last several weeks, well months actually.  When the Lord asks something of you...what is your response?  A "well maybe"..."let's see if something else more fun comes along"...anger...thrill...perhaps it depends on what He is asking huh?

I mean...asking me to marry Jason.  Heck yes!  Thrilled.

Finding out I had diabetes...I was angry.  Yet...there is a purpose there...with my doctors.  To hear them comment on my approach, my joy...He is using me there.

It's about our response to His question isn't it.  It's about what we do with where He already is...does that make sense?  He is working in and around us regardless of our participation...wouldn't it be glorious to actually join him...even in the pain.

See I have come to this thought as so many people are commenting that the words in this blog have been an encouragement.  That it is challenging them...that it is...ministering.  When I heard those words from some close and not so close friends...I paused.  See - I don't want this ministry.  I don't want to know what it is like to loose two babies in a year.  What it feels like.  What anguishing sobs feel like.  I don't.  But...I do.  It isn't all about ME.

The Lord is about redemption.  About drawing us in.  About healing that broken spot.  About letting joy flood the desert.  And then, when we do that...allow the pain and the healing and then allowing others witness it...I believe He is glorified.  I believe that He is honored.  He is shall I even say delighted.

I didn't and still don't want a ministry like this.  Yet...I am not sure the Lord asked me. Ha.  In fact I am pretty sure He didn't.  But he is at work in someone's heart reading this.  To heal the broken.  To mend that which man can not.  

I hear story after story from our broken world.  Opportunities for the Lord to use us to help be His hands and feet...to minister to those around us.  I wonder what their, our responses would be.

The marriage that is ending...adultery...laziness...I have watched friends of mine go through this and now on the other side have a "ministry" to others going through the same thing.  They didn't ask for that kind of ministry.  Yet they have it.

My friend struggling through infertility right now.  I hate it for her - her husband.  I hate the agony it is brining her.  There is a ministry there.  Whether she wants it or not.

My friend who's 2nd of 3 children was just diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  Not something she would have chosen...yet in even just these few short days I hear her rejoicing that it isn't something worse, and having a thankfulness that she is so organized so she can keep all their needs met.  He will use her.

I am still in the midst of grief.  It hasn't finished it's mark on me yet.  A new borns cry will catch me off guard in the grocery store.  I will graze my stomach doing something and the emptiness will overwhelm me.  Yet.  Yet.  It is possible to cry and be filled with a purpose, with a joy, and it is truly indescribable.    Somehow, He has allowed my pain to draw me into Him thereby...I hope drawing someone else to Him also.

So reader I ask this.  What is the ministry that the Lord might have right there at your feet.  Will your anguish, or joy thrust you into caring for those around you there by glorifying the Lord.  In the uncertainty of your swinging life...will joy fill your face?

The Loosing...

Oh how the Father prepares our hearts for things ahead of time.  His graciousness in that is absolutely that...gracious.

At my OB appointment yesterday...I discovered that that sweet little peanut in there stopped growing at 7 weeks 6 days.  Initially we tried to find the heart beat, but couldn't.  My doc didn't seem concerned and neither did I as I wasn't quite 11 weeks yet, and I think it is usually at 12 weeks that you can hear it.  So he just said let's go across the hall and do an ultrasound.  Fine by me...but then as the image came to the screen...it was just too small...no movement...no flickering heartbeat.   I am thankful that the words coming out of my mouth were the Lord's name.  Not in an angry way, but just saying "Jesus, Jesus, oh sweet Jesus.  Thank you for this baby.  Father help."

Our doctor knows the Lord, goes to our church...and cried right along with me- we are so blessed by Dr. Lewis.  I sobbed.  Dr. Lewis made sure that I understood that it wasn't anything that I did to cause this...that diabetes is a risk yes...but I - Allison - didn't cause this.  So good for my heart to hear him say.  I told him that I didn't know if he considered his job a ministry, but it is.  Knowing he loves the Lord is precious to our family because he will walk through this with us in such a different way.  The way he cares for all of his patients is a ministry.

I filled out the awful necessary paperwork for the DNC  that will happen on Monday morning at 7:30am.  I asked if it would be the same personnel as last time...see we did all this last April 20...he said yes it will probably be many of the same people.  I wanted to make sure Dr. Lewis knew that they were incredible down there last year.  They all acknowledged why I was there and that it stunk.  I appreciated that so very much.  They truly cared for me and what we were going through.

Last night Jason and I got a babysitter at the last moment, and went, like we did last year...out to celebrate this little life.  We toasted, cried...and even laughed quite a bit last night.  It has been an honor that the Lord would ask us to carry life within us.

This early morning I feel a bit numb.  I can't believe we are going to go through all of this again.  But somehow...it feels different this time, perhaps it's because we know what Monday will be like.  And we know we made it to the other side of grief last time.

So today...I am choosing to rejoice in my caring Father...who knew everything about that little peanut and knew it was best He take him to heaven...to hang with glory baby.

When I said at the beginning that the Lord is gracious to prepare us ahead of time...this is what I mean by that.  This situation actually reminds me of the week before my grandmother passed away (You can read it in the post called "Forgiving Ada") and the Lord asked me to forgive her.  None of us knew she would pass the next week...I actually didn't know I had forgiving I needed to do.  But I did...so I forgave...and then He took her home the next week.  I was so thankful that I had forgiven her- there was no animosity there.  And now, with this little peanut...I had had a difficult time being excited...allowing this pregnancy to be its own and special (read the previous post called "This Baby")...but last week the Lord did that.  I am so thankful because now I grieve This baby...I celebrate This baby.

So friends...rejoice with us.  Rejoice in knowing that our Lord is oh so gracious...even in tragedy...even in heartbreak...He alone is enough.  He alone is worth praising.  Don't get me wrong...I am devastated...heartbroken...yet confident that my God knew best.  I am blessed to have been this babies momma, even for just a short while.

John 1:16 "From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another."

This Baby

In case you missed the news on face book several weeks ago...I am pregnant.  Ten and a half weeks as of today.  It has been an interesting journey for my heart this time around.  Probably to be expected...

Back in late February we found out we were expecting.  I honestly feel like the Lord told my heart that morning while I was exercising.  I was in the midst of Jillian Michaels "30 Day Shred" (yikes) and I felt like the Lord said, "Carry this baby."  Uhhhh, Ok Lord.  I guess I ought to go buy a pregnancy test.  I did just that...Jason was out of town though...I still couldn't wait.  I tried to get him on the phone...couldn't so I sent him a text of a pic of me holding the pregnancy test by my belly.  He immediately called...fun!

But then, the cautious heart came.  Even prevailed it seemed in these early weeks.  I didn't really feel like reading in my "What to expect when you're expecting" book to see what was developing.  Another hard emotional component that I wasn't expecting was how difficult it would be to gain weight.  I have worked so very hard this past 9 months to shed the excess...that now - for a very good reason - I was supposed to gain...

I am thankful I was able to speak honestly with Jason that I felt this reserved excitement over this child. I believe I just was guarding myself for the potential pain of loosing another child.  I thought I just can't do that again....so if I stay guarded then maybe it won't happen or it won't hurt as bad if it does happen.
There have even been a few days where I have found myself ( I know all of this isn't very rational...but perhaps strikes a chord with someone) grieving for Glory baby that I lost that one and feeling bad for it...that this one is making it...A weird thought perhaps...but mine none-the-less.

So this now brings me to my break through moment with the Lord this past weekend.  Over the last several months as I have begun to have exercise be a vital part of my life...the Lord has really used that time to shape me, and my heart towards him and prayer for others.  This particular morning however, I found myself in ernest prayer for ...me...for this baby...for SOME KIND of excitement to come into my heart.  For cautiousness to go away...Fear to vanish...and I felt like the Lord said again to my heart, "Carry this baby."  Me: Well yes Lord.  "No Allison, carry THIS baby.  Stop trying to carry Glory baby.  She is exactly where I want her to be...with me.  Now carry THIS baby."  Such sweet solace to my soul.  Of course.  I had been trying to carry the one that was lost...staying there in that place instead of rejoicing in the newness that HE brings...Oh sweet Jesus...thank you for speaking to my heart...thank you  for teaching me to hear your voice...blessed.

And so...dear reader...for me this lesson was a reminder to look to the future and not to dwell in the past.  To embrace and relish in His new mercies...what is it perhaps that He might be asking you to let lay in the past...leaving the fear...the cautiousness behind and instead doing today what He might have you do.

The Shedding

Honesty is something that I believe we all want...when it is in our favor, doesn't ruffle our feathers, doesn't challenge us in our lifestyle or way of thinking, and when it best suits us...

Honesty is something you kind of want when you ask your spouse if they liked the meal you just cooked.  Honesty is something you want in your craft...if it is said in a nice way...

Honesty is hard to give when you know that the one on the other end might be hurt, might become sad, might have some self-deprication that comes from it, when it could break a relationship...when it isn't pretty.

See I had someone be honest with me last June.  I have had others try to be honest about the subject...but all of the things listed above just happened...they tiptoed...they never said what needed to be said.

Let me explain.

I know I have mentioned before about loosing the baby last April, 2012.  It rocked us emotionally...and it also rocked me physically.  About two weeks after loosing Glory baby I found myself in the hospital afraid I was having a heart attack.  Because I am diabetic they kept me over night running every test you can possibly think of.  Thankfully it showed nothing...but a really elevated blood pressure...that for me was scary.

I began taking my blood pressure several times through out the day keeping a log...trying to find a culprit.  With all 3 of my other children blood pressure has been an issue either during pregnancy or those 6-8 weeks postpartum.  I just chalked it up to all of that...in essence I had just had a baby and my body was trying to regulate itself...but it just wasn't working this time.

My endocrinologist was wanting to put me on some bp meds...I didn't like this idea. There was mention that diet and exercise could help lower the bp...

I travelled back home to Kansas to visit my family in June.  When I am home I usually go see a doctor that our family loves.  He is a chiropractor/naturopathic kind of doctor...he uses supplements to help the body...he has been huge in the nutrition and success of all 3 of my pregnancies.  When I saw him in June we talked about my bp issues.  He looked at me and so honestly said, "Allison I think after you lost the baby you just slipped into 'Allison' mode and didn't grieve all the way your body needed you too.  I am also thinking that you really need to loose some weight.  That will help your body in ways you can't imagine.  When you are ready to be serious about it, call me.  I have an idea for you."

Let me tell you that his honesty is what finally kicked me into gear.  I don't know that any of my wonderful doctors that take care of me here...said it that plainly.  You need to loose weight.  Not just it would be a good idea.  I had truly kind of resigned my self to the fact that I had had 3 children.  I was 37, and a type 1 diabetic...this was the body I would have now.  I had tried to loose weight from the births...each time retaining about 10lbs...so when I got pregnant with our 4th...I was already 30 lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant with Caroline.  I could loose "some" weight...but never all that I needed too.

I called Dr. Decanio and told him I was serious and wanted to hear what he had to say.  He told me to buy "The Dukan Diet" by Dr. Pierre Dukan.  He thought it could really work with my diabetes...
So, I bought the book.   I took about 2-3 weeks to read it, prepare mentally, and to talk with Jason.  I was going to need a partner to do this.  Those are those hard conversations as spouses...when each of you knows you need to loose weight and you know your spouse needs to too...but to say that...that takes honesty and vulnerability.  I am so thankful that Jason could hear my heart, and he could join me. I am so thankful we let each other's personalities work in this new way of living.  He didn't want to read the book.  This would usually get me in a tizzy...not this time.  I knew that if I pushed that then he wouldn't do it.  I might find a paragraph or two for him to read to have clarity on the "why" about something...but he just wanted me to tell him what he could eat each day and he would do it.  We were a great team about this.

We began July 13.  All the weight was lost by the beginning of Oct.  AMAZING!  I lost 36 lbs and Jason has lost almost 50.  We now weigh less than we did when we got married.  Even so, Dukan's method for keeping the weight off is working!!  I won't go into all the details of the diet...you can read the book too.  But I will say this...the shedding that happened- happened in more places than just my waist.

There was an emotional shedding of carrying the weight of "this is how I am going to have to be now", there was the shedding of shame, disgust, sorrow for what Jason had to look at, there was shedding of letting food control, there was a shedding of letting diabetes control....the shedding also happened in my heart in regards to loosing the baby.  Something happened in all those minutes walking in the early dark mornings.  A new sense of self has emerged.  I feel like I have found Allison again.

I think there was also a part of me that felt vain if I really tried to loose weight.  If I liked what I saw in the mirror.  Would it be okay to get excited about what size of jean I was wearing...would it be okay...I think it is.  I believe that my body is a temple.  I have things to do here.  Especially because of the diabetes I didn't want to have to look at my children someday and say, "Because I was lazy you now have to care for me b/c I can't walk anymore." or "I just didn't respect myself or you enough to take care of my body while I could so you have to take care of my body for me now." (Thanks Andy Stanley for those words of encouragement).   I wasn't going to do that.

Nutritionally my bp is completely back to normal.  Here is one of the amazing parts...I am on HALF as much insulin as I used to be.  Are you kidding me!!! This is huge!!!  I feel great.  I am more confident than ever.

People ask Jason and I what we did..."what diet"...we tell them...but after we say...well hard work, diet, exercise, self-control and discipline.

Sometimes dear reader...there is a shedding that needs to happen.  A shedding of self.  A shedding of excuses.  A shedding of the old self to see what the Lord might just have in store.  Are you willing to shed?  Are you willing to let others speak honestly into your life, and hear it.  Let them.


A couple pics before...and after the diet.

Learning to Host

"Allison it's time to set the table.  Please go get the china, crystal, and silver.  Be careful."

I loved hearing those words from my mom.  It was time to ready our table for guests.  It was time to make it look lovely.  To get those refined things out of cabinets, hutches, and drawers and lay a table.  I would open the doors to the hutch and the wood smelled different when it was open than when it was closed.  It is a smell that still lingers...I think...I would sit there and stare at all of the lovely things that only got to come out on special occasions, and I would imagine what it would be like to lay a table of my own someday.  I would imagine the guests.  The attire.  The food.  How I might do it differently from my mom, but secretly knowing I would try to emulate every last detail like she was teaching me.

See what I learned from my parents is that opening your home to family, friends, and even those you don't know is truly an important thing.  It was a good thing to learn about which silverware to use, and even dare I say stemware.  Mom and dad knew that it honored the Lord to open their table to others.  So we did.  Often.

I remember Thanksgivings with over 40 + people in our home.  Most family.  Some friends.  And usually someone who was alone, and didn't have a place to go found their way to our table.  It felt kind of weird as a kid to have a stranger in our home for such an intimate thing as Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter...but I saw courage in my parents when they did it...I pray that I find that courage as an adult also.

There is a fondness in my heart of laying a table.  Deciding which napkins to use.  How to fold the napkins.  Maybe choosing a way that would surprise my mom and she would think it lovely.  Preparing the butter dishes.  The jelly dishes.  Getting out Granny's cobalt pitcher for water.  Opening the drawer that had the silver all rolled up in towels.  Spreading them out and looking at loveliness.  Maybe talking with Daddy about what music to play on the record player.  Lighting candles.  Watching mom hand out tasks and responsibilities.  None that at the time I loved to do...or even honestly now love to do...but the result of creating an environment where people feel comfortable, engaged, respected, welcomed...a place that is different from what they experience out "there".

I didn't know when the day would really come for me to host a family dinner in our home.  How old are you when that begins to shift to the next generation?  I didn't know.  And somehow it fell into our laps this year.  We welcomed it.  And watching Caroline...it all came back about why it is so important to do this.  I need to teach her, Wyatt and Hope about what it means to host.  About what it means to welcome others into your home and to put your best that you have before them.  To do it with excellence.

What a privilege it was to have my mom go with me to choose the table decorations.  To buy placemats, and napkins...to think through how many table servings I have...to think through details of where children would eat and feel a welcomed part of the table.  Because see I grew up learning (that is an important word) about what it was to listen to the patriarch of the family talk....and talk...and talk.  But I heard those stories, or talk of politics, religion etc and I learned what it was to sit at a table and talk.  We couldn't get down as soon as we were finished...we learned to listen.  I learned at an early age how to eat off of china, use silver, and by gosh use stemware.  So...I set a table for children to be mixed in with adults and to hear the conversation that comes from the aged.  I sat children at tables with adults to learn what it is to listen and to use lovely things...special things...

Last night as Jason's family...now mine...gathered in our home I was so excited to have them in our home.  I felt as calm as I ever have hosting them.  This isn't my normal temperment when hosting...I am usually freaking out...maybe it was having mom there.  Telling me all along that she was loving watching me be a woman.  Wow...to hear those words...amazing what that does to your heart.  To have your parents approval even as an adult.  Very important.  But Jason's family gathered in...I felt I was able to give out tasks to the other ladies as I needed help.  I felt like a hostess.  I felt like that part in me as a little girl who dreamed of hosting her own table came to fruition last night.  Even Granny's cobalt water pitcher made an appearance.  A gift, along with the matching water, and wine glasses from my mom to now have in our home as we host family, friend and stranger.

Mom's don't be afraid to ask little hands to carry the china (I am sure I broke some dishes over the years).  Don't be afraid to serve little hands stemware.  I learned to sip at an early age.  Don't be afraid to show little hands how to host...because those little hands will grow...and you will be able to hand them Granny's cobalt water pitcher...and tell them they are a lovely woman.

The Family Room

Since Caroline has gone off to school Wyatt has been left with a less than satisfying playmate (by his standards).  There are moments that he just looses it with Hope.  He can't handle her "playing" with him...she takes his stuff, she intrudes, she sits on him, she is a toddler...all 19 months of her.
I have had many a conversation with him as of late that sound something like this...

Location: Family Room
W: AHHHHHH Hope Elizabeth No ma'am.  (tears - collapse on the floor) You ruined it.  You messed all this up.
Me: Wyatt, stand up.  You can't yell at her like that.  She is just trying to play with you.  Remember she is learning how to play with people.  She doesn't know yet and it's our job, your job, to help teach her.
W:  I don't want to teach her.  I do not want to play with Hope ever again....make her stop.

- after about a million of these conversations where I try to steer him back to her, to engage with her...I had this thought- This is a family room...FAMILY...where a FAMILY gathers together to engage together....so I have begun to say this.

Me: (All the stuff from up above but add) Wyatt, this is our family room where we play together.  If you need to play alone, which is totally fine and I understand needing time by yourself without anyone getting in your stuff or your way, then you can go play upstairs in your room by yourself - just shut the door so Hope can't bother you.  But if you are going to stay down here, then this is a FAMILY area where we are going to play TOGETHER and teach each other how to play.
Wyatt why does she want to play with you?

W: I don't know.

Me:  Because she loves you, and she thinks your ideas are great.  So, show her your plan, your idea...teach her to play your game.

It has worked.  It diffuses him.  He has gone up to his bed room maybe twice...but for the most part he remains and then will engage with Hope again.  Trying to teach her.

Just thought I would share the new thought I have had with regard to our family room.  It is just that.  It is for all of us...a room to BE...a room to grow and learn...scream and recover...a room to be FAMILY...

Arguing

I apologize for my lack of posting...there's been a lot rolling around in this brain of mine.  I am hopeful to figure out a way to put it on paper soon.

I thought today's post might be a helpful thing...so I will share.  Please know that I by no means have this thing called "parenting" figured out...most of this stuff I feel like I stumble upon by chance and then I get surprised that it worked...take what you want from this.

It was a typical day in the life of a Hodges family member.  Various forms of joy and angst were coming and going from any one of the 4 of us that are together most of the day (myself, Caroline, Wyatt and Hope).  I found myself in a conversation with my oldest.  I am sure it involved some request that I was making of her to tidy up...or put something away...or fill in the blank it really could have been anything.  Our conversation turned from one of "hey this is our day this is what I need you to accomplish" to one of back and forth kind of arguing with her about what I wanted done, and her counter with what she wanted done...it truly turned into an arguing kind of debate back and forth.

Then I had this (not sure if you have ever felt like this) kind of "out of body" experience where you see and hear what's happening around you.  You are able to be impartial, able to see what's happening almost feeling like it is all in slow motion too...it was weird.  But as I watched myself arguing with a 5 year old I had this "What are you doing Allison, you are the parent."  So here is what happened next...

All of a sudden I looked at Caroline realizing that I did NOT need to be arguing with her about ANYTHING.  I am cool discussing a different way for things to happen or go...but to blatantly be told NO...isn't going to fly...so I calmly looked at Caroline and said these words, "I don't argue with children."  The craziest thing happened.  She stopped.  She just plain stopped and then did what I had been asking all along.  I couldn't believe it.

Since then I use this phrase often.  I find myself being pulled into a negotiation with a 3 year old and I look at Wyatt and I will say, "I don't argue with children" and he too will stop and do what I have been asking or just stop the whine/arguing with me.  Amazing.

I am the mom.  I am the one the Lord has put in charge of the day to day running and I do not need to be arguing with anyone.  That said...on a slightly humorous side I am not sure what my phrase says...does it say that I do argue with adults....?  HA!

God has asked me to do my best.  To parent with excellence, not perfection...and I believe that choosing not to argue with my children is a step in the correct way.  I think it is a reminder to them that I am in charge, and they are not...and deep down that is a comfort to them.

So...today dear readers...tell them "I don't argue with children."  It's amazing.  Take back your rightful place as the parent.

*This pic from the "booster-thon" at Caroline's school.