The Gathering

Back in college I had the opportunity and privilege  to be a part of a show called "Quilters."  It is an amazingly simple musical that looks at the lives of women back in the covered wagon days who used quilts to literally document and tell their family story and heritage.  I played Sarah, the matriarch of the group.  It was thrilling to read about the rides in the covered wagons, babies born on the trail, babies lost on the trail.  The women who already had 12 children, their husband was gone looking for land to settle and wouldn't be home for months and then she discovers she is pregnant...and she can't bear to bare another child...so what their version of an abortion looked like even back then.  And the the quilt that would emerge to tell that story.  The quilt that was built using the remnants of fabric from a wedding dress, or a christening gown, a sack cloth, a potato sack...they all were sown together to tell a story, and the fabric was as much of the story as the actual design, or the quilting stitch that was used.  I loved playing this character.  She rang true in my heart.  She rang true in my mom's heart.  She is a quilter too.

Momma has given us quilts to commemorate many special moments in our lives.  At high school graduation both my brother and I received our quilts that we were to take with us to college...it would be like momma was tucking us in to bed each night.

Right before I was married I received (as did my brother) another quilt with the marriage rings.  Mom pieced this one together but rather shipped it off to a Mennonite (my families heritage) quilters club in western Kansas to be quilted.  It is on our bed to this day.

At the birth of every grandchild (that makes 7) each of them have received their own "Grammy quilt"...which is covering all my babes as they sleep right now.  Mom would coordinate fabrics so that if it was a girl or boy there would be at least one piece of fabric that is actually in ALL of the quilts...tying them together...telling a story.

Well today something arrived in the mail from my momma.  The week that would have been a due date for a baby lost.  As I opened the box I saw it.  I didn't know it was coming.  I wept.  I knew as soon as I saw it, even not knowing the color or the design, or the stitches in the fabric...this was the quilt to honor the memory of our babies that have been lost.  Then I read the words penned by her...almost as eloquent as the stitching...I read it.   I wept.  I had to call mom before I even opened the quilt.  I called her and could only sob and just said thank you thank you thank you.  Then while on the phone with her I opened and spread out the quilt, in all it's beauty.  I was admiring all the intricacies of her time spent on this piece...and would sob.  There are some of her quilting markings (things that help to show you your pattern and where to stitch that are then supposed to come off when washed - these won't come up, no matter how hard she, or a professional cleaners attempted) on the quilt.  She began to tell me what my Aunty Sheila said about them.  Aunty Sheila told my mom not to worry, that I would understand.  That those marks would be another representation of the babies we lost and how they have permanently marked our lives.  Amen.  I love those quilt markings that won't come off.  Below are momma's words that she sent to me about this most amazing artwork.  It is the very heartbeat of us.  You'll notice some lyrics and lines from the musical "Quilters" - Sarah impacted this piece as well...

                                                           the needles eye

                                                          it doth supply

                                                       the thread that runs so true

Dearly Beloved,

Spring and Fall.  Significant times. Significant times for the 5 of you in this home.  Significant times for those of us who love you from a distance, yet are joined as close as the heart's chambers.

SARAH: You can't always change things.  Sometimes you don't have no control over the way things go.

The stages of this quilt began with a phone call.  Your tender and weeping voice said, "Mom, I guess you won't be making any more (baby) quilts for this home."

Instantaneously, this project was born.  After the fabrics were chosen, I began to design.  I knew that I wanted to quilt the traditional "Log Cabin" design.  This quilt I have named The Gathering.

SARAH: Look, these are all darks.  I've always had plenty of darks.  I use them if I need a shaded area in a block.  The Log Cabin patterns have lots of those...

SARAH: ("Log Cabin" block is shown)...that's why I like this pattern - the "Log Cabin."  It's just skinny strips sewn one to the other - nothin fancy but it sure turns out pretty.  And you can make this pattern from the tiniest of remnants, the bottom of the barrel - as long as they're the same width...

Historically, the center of each 'cabin' is red to represent the chimney - the heart of the home's warmth, both for cooking and comfort.  These cabins are comprised of 5 logs, representing the five children of Jason and Allison Hodges.  All five chosen by our Father.  All five impacting your life.  All five surrounded by earthly and heavenly love.  Gifts from a Perfect Triune God.

Five also represents the five heads of this household.  Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Jason, Allison.   Five who must be intertwined.  Five who choose the others, no matter the cost....no matter the circumstance...no matter the pain.  God has clearly chosen you, and you have clearly chosen one another.  Separately and together you have resolutely submitted to the Triune God.  Team.  No matter.  As it should be.  He gives and takes away.  Blessed be the Name of The Lord.

The colors of this quilt were chosen to complement those already chosen in your home.  The logs are typically sewn with one light side showing the sun's radiant affect on a home, while the dark side represents the times of sadness.  As it should be.  Season of life.  Markers.

The anchor of this cabin, the chimney, is strong and supporting.  The Lord is your anchor and the foundation of your legacy.  Both of you are strong...yet in full need of the other.  This dependence on your Lord, then on one another, is pictured in the layered logs...one upon another, supporting...strengthening...enduring.  As it should be.  Marriage.  Home.  Family.

Every log in my house*Straight as a pine can grow*Every log in my house*Straight as a pine can grow

Every room has a window and every room has a door

And there's a dandelion carpet growing through the floor

The red, framing the quilt's interior, represents the blood of Jesus Christ, poured over you, instilling the truth of repentance, forgiveness, adoration, and commitment.  I have quilted the lines of the cabin, all leading to the home's heart, in a figure 8 pattern - crisscrossing - as your lives intersect.  Hodges and Unruh.  Husband and Wife.  Parent and Child.  Child and Child.  Fun and Serious.  Youth and Aged.  Heaven and Earth.  Chain never broken.  Never.

Along the outside border the quilting flows with highs and lows....wave upon wave.  You will notice that on each side of the quilt the waves hit a wall...quite the story of the growth of your family.   Smooth sailing.  Brick wall.  Over and over.  All part of this marvelous adventure set before you.

Praying for you as I sewed these stitches was one of my life's deep pleasures.  Snuggle.  Giggle.  Weep.  Hold.  Release.  Picnic.  Sleep.  Tuck in a closet.  Family.  Legacy.

SARAH: Give her the fruit of her hands and let her works praise Him in the gates.....

                                                      The Gathering

                                                quilted by Carolyn Unruh 2013

No words right....the symbolism, the heart...

I told my mom these things later after I had had more time to process it all:  I have been so sad that the "having" babies is probably over.  And have put an "end date" on being a mommy.  Hope turning 18.  But today.  Hope springs anew.  I can still find the art in mothering even when they leave. This today, was the "art of mothering" at it's best.  It doesn't end because my babes will leave our home someday.  Or they age or live far away.  It is the art of figuring them out and how to mother them in the sorrow and joy - close yet far enough away.  Much like the shading an artist might do or a special technique used to give "light" to  a canvas.  Mothering is artful.  Thanks for painting momma.      

                                                  

Affording Things

"We can't afford that."

We say this in our home.  I love saying this.  That may sound silly, but I think sometimes it would be so much easier to just spend the money we don't have rather than have a hard conversation, or say no to our child...

Here is what I love almost as much as the phrase itself.  It isn't unusual for them to hear it.  I love that when my stash has run low and they ask if we can go to Chic-fil-a I am able to say, "No we can't afford that right now, I am out of cash."  Sure it is disappointing.  I would love to go to CFA also.  I would LOVE to see their delight...but we can't afford it.  I love that when we go to the store to buy a gift for a friend and I have just enough budgeted to be able to actually take a gift to the party that when their sweet voice asks if they get to buy a book too and I say, "No this isn't about you today, it's about our friend.  I have just enough money to get something for them."  There is disappointment, but it isn't earth shattering because they have heard this from each of us often.

Early on when I was reading one of my favorite mommy books "Dr. Denmark said  it!" this truth about this subject really hit home with me as a vital thing that was important to teach and tell our kids.

"If parents would just teach their children that everything has a price...One of the most important phrases for them to learn is 'I can't afford it.'  The happiest children in the world are those who have something to wish for, something to give them a thrill.  I'll never forget what Mary said one day to a friend as they played outside my window.  She was admiring the other child's pretty dress.  "Why don't you ask you mother to buy you one like it?' the little girl asked.  'We can' afford it,' Mary answered.  I was so glad to hear her say that.  She learned as a child that there were things we couldn't afford, and she was content with what she had.  I've never heard her complain about not having enough."

Jason and I found ourselves in a predicament.  We had allowed Caroline to take both Gymnastics and dance this fall.  She had been wanting to try gymnastics for awhile and we thought we ought to give it a whirl and see if she was good at it, or loved it more than dance.  We told her from the beginning it was expensive to do both, we would try it and see if we could make it work.  A couple months in we are realizing it is hindering us rather than moving us forward.  She was wanting to also do the Nutcracker, something had to give in way of time and money.  Gymnastics needed to go.   I was dreading having to tell C.  Knowing that I had to.  Trying to think of when a "good" time would be.  We were in the car driving and I turned down the music so I knew I had her attention.  I told her we needed to have a conversation.  She wasn't in trouble and it wasn't about anything bad but this is how it went.

Me:  Caroline we need to have a conversation about gymnastics.  We aren't going to be able to afford doing it anymore.  We might be able to talk about it again in the summer when you take a break from dance, but right now paying for both things isn't working.  Do you understand?

C: (long pause) Why?

Me: Well, gymnastics is expensive.  You are also wanting to do the Nutcracker and we can't keep doing it all.  You will get to finish the month out, but then we are going to take a break from gymnastics because we just can't afford it.

C:  (pause)  Ok.  I get it.

Me:  I appreciate the way you are handling this Caroline.  Thanks.

I think back to the simple advice of Dr. Denmark.  I am so thankful she has heard us saying this since she was little.  I think forward to high school years, or even college discussions...there are going to be things we can't afford.  So glad that won't be the first time they hear it.

In being a mom it's so important to teach them hard things.  To say no.  Man it was hard to tell her we needed to drop that activity.  There wasn't anything in me that wanted to do that.  I love hearing her say that she is an "athlete" (he he he).  I love watching her "practice" gymnastics around the house and try to teach Hope how to do a forward roll.  I LOVE her being active.  But, I love my daughter enough to say hard things to her too.  Sometimes I hesitate because I am afraid of what the reaction might be...but it's my job.

Say the hard thing.  Incorporate this phrase into your conversations moms.  It will be freeing.

My Purpose and Calling

Last night was a moment I don't want to forget.  It was gloriously unexpected...and wonderfully hoped for.

You see the church we attend and that Jason works for was having a special event to celebrate where we have been, where we are, and where we hope to be going.  It would be a night of worship and vision casting.  We were supposed to meet up with other families from our small group, but as life would have it that just didn't get to happen.  I was beginning to think I wouldn't go either b/c I couldn't find a sitter.  I wanted to be there to support Jason, but I also selfishly wanted to experience the night undistracted...and that wasn't looking like it would happen.  There was childcare for the youngest two, and Caroline would come with me.
Before the service (which didn't begin until 7pm - so this was pushing everyone's bedtime routine) they had food trucks come to the church...well they were slammed-everyone was sweaty and hungry...Wyatt was about to loose it...did a couple of times from the hunger...but he would calm down...then tackle one of his sisters to the ground all of them laughing!  Finally we eat, and head in to check them into classes just as the video begins to roll...Wyatt has a change of heart and says he "does not want to go in there." Instead of making a deal out of it, I just told him to come on and now I would have both of them with me in the service.  I came armed w/ crayons, coloring books, and library books...we sat at the back to be in the least loud place...and secretly an easy place to sneak out should I need to.
I worshipped...they watched...they worshipped...and colored...and asked when did we get to go home...but honestly it was great to have them in there with me.
Then the lights dimmed a bit more and it was time for communion.  With Wyatt on my lap, and C right beside me she asked what communion was.  I began to remind them about all of our conversations at Easter time when we do our Easter story all of Holy Week.  Yes they remembered.  We talked in our last row of the auditorium about Passover...about the Last Supper...about Jesus telling the disciples that he was going to die and from now on a way they could remember him was that every time they ate bread to do it in remembrance of him, that it was his body broken for them.  Then I explained about the wine, that it was his blood and what he said to the disciples. I told them, that taking communion for someone who has a relationship with Jesus, who has asked them into their life and heart is a way that we remember him and honor him and all that he sacrificed for us.  Caroline immediately asked if she could take communion also - see she asked Jesus into her heart a year ago May - I told her yes.  Then this sweet little voice on my lap said, "I want to ask Jesus into my heart mom."

Pause here.  Wyatt and I have been having conversations about this for months.  Caroline might bring it up, or something...he has been asking questions...I would answer them then ask him if he would like to ask Jesus into his heart.  No was the recurring answer.  Ok...that was fine, I knew it would be the Holy Spirit's doing and not mine.  I would let him know he could ask me questions or Caroline, or Daddy and we would love to answer them.  Wyatt is a kid that will pray every once in a while...on his terms...or practice his life verse...on his terms...never at my leading.

So when he said, "Mom I want to ask Jesus into my heart."  My heart skipped a bit at the thrill of this holy moment that was about to happen in the last row...everything else faded away and it was just me, C and Wyatt!  So I asked if he remembered that he was a sinner, and did wrong things, but that Jesus died for those sins and came back to life?  Yes, he remembered.   So then I asked him to repeat a prayer after me...it went a little like this, and his sweet little voice repeated the whole thing..."Jesus, I know that I am a sinner and make bad choices sometimes that hurt you.  But I know that you love me, and died for my sins and want me to be in your family.  Thanks Jesus.  Amen."  Then without hardly a pause he turned and looked at me and said, "Is he in there?"  - Love it - "Yes bud he is and always will be."

Right after that the communion tray appeared out of nowhere on our row, the 3 of us grabbed our elements, I handed the tray off and then I led my sweet kids in their first communion.  It was all I could do to not run up to Jason - who was producing the event- and tell him what happened....or have him throw all of that down to come back to the last row to join us...it was so special to do that with Wyatt and Caroline.

I shared later with my parents and Jason's and my mother-in-law thanked me for sharing Christ with Wyatt.  I just said back it is my purpose and calling.  I don't think I have ever thought it so clearly as I did last night.  Teaching my children about Jesus...all parts...and then having that moment with my son was a fulfillment I believe of my purpose as a mom.  I am really thankful that all our babysitters were busy...and that Wyatt was having yet another moment of not wanting to go where I was wanting him to go...and that my selfish heart at wanting alone worship time didn't happen...because my son asked Jesus into his heart.  There will be lots of time for theology with Wyatt in the years to come about sin, and forgiveness, and grace etc...but what happened last night was epic.

My son and Eternity now go together.

Coming out of the Storm

There is a burden we carry as parents to train and teach our children in the way they should go.  The first 5 years are supposedly some of the hardest...those are the discipline years where all of the "rules" are laid out and taught to be obeyed regardless...right?  I find no coincidence in the fact that the 4th year for both Caroline and Wyatt have been the most difficult thus far.  It has been a stormy few months for my dear Wyatt.
You can almost see the storm clouds that lurk above his head these past 8 months...almost as he blew out the candles on his 4th birthday cake the push back began.  The testing of all that we had taught the first 4 years of life...did we REALLY mean it...would we REALLY  still discipline.  Would we ride out his storm and just pull our heads in, cover up with a towel, and brace our selves for what he would bring.

OR....

Would we call to the Lord and say "Jesus help"...and watch HIM calm the storm.

There were days I felt like I was just bracing myself for what kind of anger, and venom it almost felt like would pour out of him.  Anger at playing with Hope.  Anger and me for asking him to help.  He had this way of saying "Momma" that started low and then increased in volume and pitch...not pretty.  But you know you get in your rut, and you think oh it isn't really that bad...then he calls your name that way in public...and it horrify's you.  I found myself asking myself which was the lesser of the two evils and trying to choose a path that would be the least likely to awaken the storm....

but then...

I believe the Lord allows us to see our children clearly.  I prayed earnestly throughout the day my simple "Jesus help" prayer...help me to really SEE him..to see him 10-15 years down the line and what that would look like should the behavior really go unchecked.  When I heard him say "Momma" that way in public...I was horrified...I should have been horrified at home too...so he and I had a little chat.  A chat about what was allowed, tone of voice, looks, no more pouting of lips, no more hands on hips, no more stomping of your foot.  Discussing that it is alright to be mad, and even tell me you are mad...however, you will not be disrespectful in your anger to me.

His storm raged against me.  Several trips for spanks, and hugs, and "I Love You no matter what" were had...and slowly...his storm is quieting.  It has been about 4 weeks...and I feel Wyatt is emerging.  His storm is less...in fact I heard this from his sweet mouth today.  "Come on Hope, let's play store.  Can I push your shopping cart?  Okay, thanks."  And then later in the car to her, "Hope, if you get scared just remember that God is always with you.   And I will be there to help you if you fall down."

It is a beautiful picture...after the storm.  The peace.  The fresh clean landscape.  He is emerging.

Dear reader.  There is a storm that rages in each of us I believe.  We either learn to quiet it at 4...or 14, or 24...letting the Lord quiet our storms is crucial.  Learning it at a young age, so then they are armed with that truth later in life...when the rage just can't seem to be quieted...or the anguish...or the loneliness...or fear...hopefully they will remember those are the lies...not the fact that He is always with us.  Help your littles...stand up to the storm and ask Him to quiet them...don't endure and brace yourself...say "Be still."  It has been oh so hard to watch him this past year.  To feel almost embarrassed by his choices...then remembering he is just 4...I still need to train and teach him...it will pay off.  It is paying off.  You can do it sweet reader...they need you to.

Letting her Go

This summer has been a summer of wrestling with sending Caroline back to school or not.  Hear me out.  We have loved her experience at our local public school.  Her kindergarten teacher was awesome. She made great new friends.  She learned a ton.  But once she got home for the summer...I couldn't stand to send her back.
If you remember it was a total God thing that we decided to not homeschool at all.  Check out these posts in case you haven't read them: "The Education"; "The Education - Part II"; "It's Coming - The Education".  You will really hear my heart with how we got to public education for our family.  So to feel this summer like maybe we needed to review sending her back for 1st grade caught me off guard.
As I began to analyze it...pray about it...I didn't feel like we were to pull her, but rather that I was just acknowledging that I WANTED her home.  That I LIKED having her here.  I LOVE watching her interact w/ her siblings all day.  I began to think through this thought...maybe you have too...that I have a small window of influence with my children.  Let me clarify...my parents still have influence..however, I am not naive to believe that there won't be a time when my kiddos will prefer the influence of others OVER the influence of Jason and I.  So, I am sitting here this summer thinking, "Caroline wants to be home.  She would love for us to tell her she is homeschooling.  She actually wants my influence right now.  Am I loosing an opportunity for influence with her."
I shared this thought w/ Karen Stubbs (dear mentor and founder of Birds on a Wire www.birdsonawiremoms.com) and her immediate response was this.  "Allison you are expanding your influence." *This caught me off guard, and the tears began to well up.  "Caroline is going to go into her class and be a light.  That will be noticed by other kids and moms.  They will ask you about her, and you will have an opportunity to share about the Lord."  Oh my!  A wonderful reminder.  That is exactly why Jason and I felt like we were to do public school in the first place.  We felt the Lord was calling us specifically (I am not saying this what all should do -but for us) to use the public school system as a ministry opportunity.  To invest...to invite...that He would enlarge our territory.

So my dear Caroline Dale trotted off to First Grade yesterday!  She was so brave.  She was so nervous. As she climbed out of the car I snapped a photo of her walking into school.  I whispered a prayer out the window.  "Whisper to her heart Lord that you are with her.  She is so nervous."  Later yesterday she told me didn't have time to miss me because she just had so much fun.  Thank you Jesus.  This morning as I dropped her off again for day two...I was fine until she turned around and came back for one more kiss.  I cried as I drove away.  I prayed "Whisper to both our hearts Lord."  He has.   It has been a good day with my other two munchkins...watching Wyatt be a big brother...he is getting so much better at it!  Hope going on the potty!  But my big girl comes home in 15 min.  I have been watching the clock all day.  Loving our opportunity for influence expanding...loving my influencer coming home!

Birds On A Wire-Canton,GA

Since we moved over here to Canton almost a year ago there has been an ongoing question to the Lord about how did HE want to use ME over here.  Jason has such purpose working at our church, and I have such purpose working in our home with our kiddos.  But I wondered if there wasn't something else he was bringing me over to Canton to do.

When I became a momma back in 2007 I joined an amazing mom's group lead by Karen Stubbs.  It was such an encouraging time to meet with other moms and talk about how to do this job that had been given us with grace, mercy, firmness etc.  We spent a good amount of time also talking about how to be the wife the Lord would have us  to be.  Culture tells us so often that we ought to function daily in such a different way than the Lord would have us.  How do you be a godly wife and mom in a culture that is screaming for us to be anything but?

This group was awesome for me.  I tried to explain it to Jason one time that I needed this group (that only met every other week) for the same reason that he needed to go to his meetings at work that helped him be a better leader or strategic thinker...this was my job meeting...my leadership meeting...my strategy meeting...so that I might be a better mom and wife.  He got it...he bought in to why I needed this group so much so then he was on board to handle the kiddos on his own those two nights a month.

So upon moving over here I wondered how I would find that fellowship again.   I wasn't going to drive all the way back to Cumming to go...and then I began to wonder if the Lord might have me do something like that over here.  But Karen was the key.  She was the one with the life experience (raising 4 kiddos of her own)...she was that step ahead woman who could still relate...but could encourage to go and do and that we would make it through.   What would I have to share to lead a group for young moms?  Now here is the beautiful part...Karen's ministry has been growing so much that she has written her own curriculum and has begun to film her talks so they will be available on DVD...her wisdom is accessible from over here in Canton.

But...I pushed the notion of beginning a mom's group out of my head last fall because I didn't really know anyone yet...so I will wait.  Well, then we got pregnant and I wasn't going to start a group that I knew I wouldn't have the time or energy to do with a 4th...then we lost the baby and I just wasn't sure I was in a spot to "do" anything else....

But isn't that how the Lord works?

I had been praying all along, Lord show me where you are working and let me join you in that.  And each morning as I walk my neighborhood I am reminded of the ache I have for moms...for parenting...for loving a spouse differently than culture says...

So the Lord said again to my stubborn self...there are moms hurting...needing fellowship...needing a place that is safe to ask questions of just day to day things...to the bigger issues...HE is working in the heart of the family to right that path again...I believe the Lord wants to do something different in families than what has been done in recent years...I think we all best get out of the way and join HIM where He is already working.

So I say this to...who ever is reading this and might be living in Canton GA. Or maybe you know a young mom in the area who needs this.   A new Birds On Wire mom's group will be starting over here this fall 2013.  We will be meeting in my home, probably on Wednesday nights from 7-9pm.  We will be using Karen's curriculum and DVD's then having discussion.

This is a come as you are with spit up all over you, pj's, hats, slippers, whatever....I have been praying for you.  It's time I get out of His way...open up my home and see what He just might do.  Won't you come too?

For more information on Birds on a Wire go to: www.birdsonawiremoms.com

The Ministry I Didn't Want

I have had this idea ringing throughout a good deal of my thoughts the last several weeks, well months actually.  When the Lord asks something of you...what is your response?  A "well maybe"..."let's see if something else more fun comes along"...anger...thrill...perhaps it depends on what He is asking huh?

I mean...asking me to marry Jason.  Heck yes!  Thrilled.

Finding out I had diabetes...I was angry.  Yet...there is a purpose there...with my doctors.  To hear them comment on my approach, my joy...He is using me there.

It's about our response to His question isn't it.  It's about what we do with where He already is...does that make sense?  He is working in and around us regardless of our participation...wouldn't it be glorious to actually join him...even in the pain.

See I have come to this thought as so many people are commenting that the words in this blog have been an encouragement.  That it is challenging them...that it is...ministering.  When I heard those words from some close and not so close friends...I paused.  See - I don't want this ministry.  I don't want to know what it is like to loose two babies in a year.  What it feels like.  What anguishing sobs feel like.  I don't.  But...I do.  It isn't all about ME.

The Lord is about redemption.  About drawing us in.  About healing that broken spot.  About letting joy flood the desert.  And then, when we do that...allow the pain and the healing and then allowing others witness it...I believe He is glorified.  I believe that He is honored.  He is shall I even say delighted.

I didn't and still don't want a ministry like this.  Yet...I am not sure the Lord asked me. Ha.  In fact I am pretty sure He didn't.  But he is at work in someone's heart reading this.  To heal the broken.  To mend that which man can not.  

I hear story after story from our broken world.  Opportunities for the Lord to use us to help be His hands and feet...to minister to those around us.  I wonder what their, our responses would be.

The marriage that is ending...adultery...laziness...I have watched friends of mine go through this and now on the other side have a "ministry" to others going through the same thing.  They didn't ask for that kind of ministry.  Yet they have it.

My friend struggling through infertility right now.  I hate it for her - her husband.  I hate the agony it is brining her.  There is a ministry there.  Whether she wants it or not.

My friend who's 2nd of 3 children was just diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  Not something she would have chosen...yet in even just these few short days I hear her rejoicing that it isn't something worse, and having a thankfulness that she is so organized so she can keep all their needs met.  He will use her.

I am still in the midst of grief.  It hasn't finished it's mark on me yet.  A new borns cry will catch me off guard in the grocery store.  I will graze my stomach doing something and the emptiness will overwhelm me.  Yet.  Yet.  It is possible to cry and be filled with a purpose, with a joy, and it is truly indescribable.    Somehow, He has allowed my pain to draw me into Him thereby...I hope drawing someone else to Him also.

So reader I ask this.  What is the ministry that the Lord might have right there at your feet.  Will your anguish, or joy thrust you into caring for those around you there by glorifying the Lord.  In the uncertainty of your swinging life...will joy fill your face?

The Loosing...

Oh how the Father prepares our hearts for things ahead of time.  His graciousness in that is absolutely that...gracious.

At my OB appointment yesterday...I discovered that that sweet little peanut in there stopped growing at 7 weeks 6 days.  Initially we tried to find the heart beat, but couldn't.  My doc didn't seem concerned and neither did I as I wasn't quite 11 weeks yet, and I think it is usually at 12 weeks that you can hear it.  So he just said let's go across the hall and do an ultrasound.  Fine by me...but then as the image came to the screen...it was just too small...no movement...no flickering heartbeat.   I am thankful that the words coming out of my mouth were the Lord's name.  Not in an angry way, but just saying "Jesus, Jesus, oh sweet Jesus.  Thank you for this baby.  Father help."

Our doctor knows the Lord, goes to our church...and cried right along with me- we are so blessed by Dr. Lewis.  I sobbed.  Dr. Lewis made sure that I understood that it wasn't anything that I did to cause this...that diabetes is a risk yes...but I - Allison - didn't cause this.  So good for my heart to hear him say.  I told him that I didn't know if he considered his job a ministry, but it is.  Knowing he loves the Lord is precious to our family because he will walk through this with us in such a different way.  The way he cares for all of his patients is a ministry.

I filled out the awful necessary paperwork for the DNC  that will happen on Monday morning at 7:30am.  I asked if it would be the same personnel as last time...see we did all this last April 20...he said yes it will probably be many of the same people.  I wanted to make sure Dr. Lewis knew that they were incredible down there last year.  They all acknowledged why I was there and that it stunk.  I appreciated that so very much.  They truly cared for me and what we were going through.

Last night Jason and I got a babysitter at the last moment, and went, like we did last year...out to celebrate this little life.  We toasted, cried...and even laughed quite a bit last night.  It has been an honor that the Lord would ask us to carry life within us.

This early morning I feel a bit numb.  I can't believe we are going to go through all of this again.  But somehow...it feels different this time, perhaps it's because we know what Monday will be like.  And we know we made it to the other side of grief last time.

So today...I am choosing to rejoice in my caring Father...who knew everything about that little peanut and knew it was best He take him to heaven...to hang with glory baby.

When I said at the beginning that the Lord is gracious to prepare us ahead of time...this is what I mean by that.  This situation actually reminds me of the week before my grandmother passed away (You can read it in the post called "Forgiving Ada") and the Lord asked me to forgive her.  None of us knew she would pass the next week...I actually didn't know I had forgiving I needed to do.  But I did...so I forgave...and then He took her home the next week.  I was so thankful that I had forgiven her- there was no animosity there.  And now, with this little peanut...I had had a difficult time being excited...allowing this pregnancy to be its own and special (read the previous post called "This Baby")...but last week the Lord did that.  I am so thankful because now I grieve This baby...I celebrate This baby.

So friends...rejoice with us.  Rejoice in knowing that our Lord is oh so gracious...even in tragedy...even in heartbreak...He alone is enough.  He alone is worth praising.  Don't get me wrong...I am devastated...heartbroken...yet confident that my God knew best.  I am blessed to have been this babies momma, even for just a short while.

John 1:16 "From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another."

This Baby

In case you missed the news on face book several weeks ago...I am pregnant.  Ten and a half weeks as of today.  It has been an interesting journey for my heart this time around.  Probably to be expected...

Back in late February we found out we were expecting.  I honestly feel like the Lord told my heart that morning while I was exercising.  I was in the midst of Jillian Michaels "30 Day Shred" (yikes) and I felt like the Lord said, "Carry this baby."  Uhhhh, Ok Lord.  I guess I ought to go buy a pregnancy test.  I did just that...Jason was out of town though...I still couldn't wait.  I tried to get him on the phone...couldn't so I sent him a text of a pic of me holding the pregnancy test by my belly.  He immediately called...fun!

But then, the cautious heart came.  Even prevailed it seemed in these early weeks.  I didn't really feel like reading in my "What to expect when you're expecting" book to see what was developing.  Another hard emotional component that I wasn't expecting was how difficult it would be to gain weight.  I have worked so very hard this past 9 months to shed the excess...that now - for a very good reason - I was supposed to gain...

I am thankful I was able to speak honestly with Jason that I felt this reserved excitement over this child. I believe I just was guarding myself for the potential pain of loosing another child.  I thought I just can't do that again....so if I stay guarded then maybe it won't happen or it won't hurt as bad if it does happen.
There have even been a few days where I have found myself ( I know all of this isn't very rational...but perhaps strikes a chord with someone) grieving for Glory baby that I lost that one and feeling bad for it...that this one is making it...A weird thought perhaps...but mine none-the-less.

So this now brings me to my break through moment with the Lord this past weekend.  Over the last several months as I have begun to have exercise be a vital part of my life...the Lord has really used that time to shape me, and my heart towards him and prayer for others.  This particular morning however, I found myself in ernest prayer for ...me...for this baby...for SOME KIND of excitement to come into my heart.  For cautiousness to go away...Fear to vanish...and I felt like the Lord said again to my heart, "Carry this baby."  Me: Well yes Lord.  "No Allison, carry THIS baby.  Stop trying to carry Glory baby.  She is exactly where I want her to be...with me.  Now carry THIS baby."  Such sweet solace to my soul.  Of course.  I had been trying to carry the one that was lost...staying there in that place instead of rejoicing in the newness that HE brings...Oh sweet Jesus...thank you for speaking to my heart...thank you  for teaching me to hear your voice...blessed.

And so...dear reader...for me this lesson was a reminder to look to the future and not to dwell in the past.  To embrace and relish in His new mercies...what is it perhaps that He might be asking you to let lay in the past...leaving the fear...the cautiousness behind and instead doing today what He might have you do.

The Shedding

Honesty is something that I believe we all want...when it is in our favor, doesn't ruffle our feathers, doesn't challenge us in our lifestyle or way of thinking, and when it best suits us...

Honesty is something you kind of want when you ask your spouse if they liked the meal you just cooked.  Honesty is something you want in your craft...if it is said in a nice way...

Honesty is hard to give when you know that the one on the other end might be hurt, might become sad, might have some self-deprication that comes from it, when it could break a relationship...when it isn't pretty.

See I had someone be honest with me last June.  I have had others try to be honest about the subject...but all of the things listed above just happened...they tiptoed...they never said what needed to be said.

Let me explain.

I know I have mentioned before about loosing the baby last April, 2012.  It rocked us emotionally...and it also rocked me physically.  About two weeks after loosing Glory baby I found myself in the hospital afraid I was having a heart attack.  Because I am diabetic they kept me over night running every test you can possibly think of.  Thankfully it showed nothing...but a really elevated blood pressure...that for me was scary.

I began taking my blood pressure several times through out the day keeping a log...trying to find a culprit.  With all 3 of my other children blood pressure has been an issue either during pregnancy or those 6-8 weeks postpartum.  I just chalked it up to all of that...in essence I had just had a baby and my body was trying to regulate itself...but it just wasn't working this time.

My endocrinologist was wanting to put me on some bp meds...I didn't like this idea. There was mention that diet and exercise could help lower the bp...

I travelled back home to Kansas to visit my family in June.  When I am home I usually go see a doctor that our family loves.  He is a chiropractor/naturopathic kind of doctor...he uses supplements to help the body...he has been huge in the nutrition and success of all 3 of my pregnancies.  When I saw him in June we talked about my bp issues.  He looked at me and so honestly said, "Allison I think after you lost the baby you just slipped into 'Allison' mode and didn't grieve all the way your body needed you too.  I am also thinking that you really need to loose some weight.  That will help your body in ways you can't imagine.  When you are ready to be serious about it, call me.  I have an idea for you."

Let me tell you that his honesty is what finally kicked me into gear.  I don't know that any of my wonderful doctors that take care of me here...said it that plainly.  You need to loose weight.  Not just it would be a good idea.  I had truly kind of resigned my self to the fact that I had had 3 children.  I was 37, and a type 1 diabetic...this was the body I would have now.  I had tried to loose weight from the births...each time retaining about 10lbs...so when I got pregnant with our 4th...I was already 30 lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant with Caroline.  I could loose "some" weight...but never all that I needed too.

I called Dr. Decanio and told him I was serious and wanted to hear what he had to say.  He told me to buy "The Dukan Diet" by Dr. Pierre Dukan.  He thought it could really work with my diabetes...
So, I bought the book.   I took about 2-3 weeks to read it, prepare mentally, and to talk with Jason.  I was going to need a partner to do this.  Those are those hard conversations as spouses...when each of you knows you need to loose weight and you know your spouse needs to too...but to say that...that takes honesty and vulnerability.  I am so thankful that Jason could hear my heart, and he could join me. I am so thankful we let each other's personalities work in this new way of living.  He didn't want to read the book.  This would usually get me in a tizzy...not this time.  I knew that if I pushed that then he wouldn't do it.  I might find a paragraph or two for him to read to have clarity on the "why" about something...but he just wanted me to tell him what he could eat each day and he would do it.  We were a great team about this.

We began July 13.  All the weight was lost by the beginning of Oct.  AMAZING!  I lost 36 lbs and Jason has lost almost 50.  We now weigh less than we did when we got married.  Even so, Dukan's method for keeping the weight off is working!!  I won't go into all the details of the diet...you can read the book too.  But I will say this...the shedding that happened- happened in more places than just my waist.

There was an emotional shedding of carrying the weight of "this is how I am going to have to be now", there was the shedding of shame, disgust, sorrow for what Jason had to look at, there was shedding of letting food control, there was a shedding of letting diabetes control....the shedding also happened in my heart in regards to loosing the baby.  Something happened in all those minutes walking in the early dark mornings.  A new sense of self has emerged.  I feel like I have found Allison again.

I think there was also a part of me that felt vain if I really tried to loose weight.  If I liked what I saw in the mirror.  Would it be okay to get excited about what size of jean I was wearing...would it be okay...I think it is.  I believe that my body is a temple.  I have things to do here.  Especially because of the diabetes I didn't want to have to look at my children someday and say, "Because I was lazy you now have to care for me b/c I can't walk anymore." or "I just didn't respect myself or you enough to take care of my body while I could so you have to take care of my body for me now." (Thanks Andy Stanley for those words of encouragement).   I wasn't going to do that.

Nutritionally my bp is completely back to normal.  Here is one of the amazing parts...I am on HALF as much insulin as I used to be.  Are you kidding me!!! This is huge!!!  I feel great.  I am more confident than ever.

People ask Jason and I what we did..."what diet"...we tell them...but after we say...well hard work, diet, exercise, self-control and discipline.

Sometimes dear reader...there is a shedding that needs to happen.  A shedding of self.  A shedding of excuses.  A shedding of the old self to see what the Lord might just have in store.  Are you willing to shed?  Are you willing to let others speak honestly into your life, and hear it.  Let them.


A couple pics before...and after the diet.