It's Coming...The Education

So a couple of weeks ago our family is out to Costco for our bi-monthly trip there...of course dining of the hot dog/pizza of choice for dinner.  We run into another friend.  We are chatting about life...school comes up.  She asks where Caroline will attend.  Then the discussion of when the first day of school is began.  I was SURE it was Monday Aug. 13.  She was SURE it was Thursday Aug. 9.  I was not prepared for what happened in my heart.  We looked it up...it's the 9th!

How did this happen?

How is it not correct in my calendar?  Four less days....

I know, I know...is this really a big deal?  For me...holy cow yes!  This is our official last full week of summer.  The last full week of life as we have known it.  The last full week of lunches.  I don't know why it gets me but the lunch thing is what puts a lump in my throat.  Will she be able to open _____?  Will she actually like the food I pack?  Will she, will she, will she....miss me?

There is a part of me that desperately hopes she will miss me.  Then there is that part of me as well that truly hopes she doesn't.  That as with other things in Caroline's life she would be looking ahead...see the challenge...be excited about what it holds and not look back.  I believe this is how she will be.  I am thankful for that.

Later that night Jason and I were folding laundry in our bedroom, the kids were already in bed...and I LOST it!  Holy cow sobbing ensued.  The loss of those 4 days hit me hard.  I began to grieve some things about her entering school world (whether it had been home school, private, or public this all would be true) is that I CAN NOT shelter her from what is to come.  I can not protect her heart for her. I can not keep kids from saying cruel things to her.  I can not ...

I am thankful that I do believe she knows her protector.  I think when she is afraid at school.  Or hurt in her heart that she will remember the simple prayer we have said with the kids since they were babies.  "Jesus help."  I pray even as I type this that He will help her remember that.  And when the hurtful words, and heart aches occur over the next several years in the growing up process that He will equip Jason and I with the right wisdom to help her, and she will say "Jesus help."

We have bought the tennis shoes.  We have bought the first day of school outfit.  We will buy school supplies this weekend.  The new lunch box from Grammy has arrived.  It's gonna happen isn't it?

She is going to fly out that car door.  She is going to leap into learning.  She is going to love it.  But what this momma realizes again...is that since the day she was born I have been learning to let go.  Learning that she did need to sleep somewhere other than my shoulder, and in our room as an infant...so we let her go.  I did need to attend worship without her...so to Waumba she went and we let her go.  She needed to learn to play at someone elses home with out me...so we let her go.  She needed to learn to swim without me...so we let her take off the floaties and go.  She needs to learn from someone other than me...so we are letting her go.

My sweet Caroline.  I can't wait to watch you grow and learn from ALL life has to offer you!  I am continuing to learn what it means to let you go.  Be patient with me.  I might cry...but hopefully not until I turn around and leave you at your Kindergarten room.  

Jesus help.

I am a sap.  Sorry for all the photos.

First Time Obedience...Really?

I have been thinking about this concept of first time obedience for a long time.  I have been using it as I parent.  Knowing in my mind that I expect my children to obey the first time mommy asks something.  The answer is to be "Yes ma'am."  Action should follow.  This is the dream, right?  I think about my goal in wanting this desired behavior.  When I have thought about it in the past it has been because I want to teach my children ultimately about submission to authority...that of Christ.  I pray that that trickles down and they are able to show submission and respect to a boss, a teacher, us...but ultimately by teaching my child this...I hope it is to Christ.

Have you ever taken a step back and looked at yourself as a parent.  Then thought about what does the Lord see as he watches you parent.  What does He think as He parents us? So I did this.  And I wonder if the Lord has shown something to my heart about this concept.

In nature this concept is great.  I think it helps make a sound home.  But what I found that was actually in practice was this.  I would ask a child to do something (like pick up toys).  Wouldn't happen, they were distracted.  I am at the sink doing dishes so am calling across the room...don't really have their attention.  I ask again.  "Caroline, Wyatt do you hear my words?"  "Yes ma'am."  Still not action.  I finally go over (as I should have the first time) and get their eyes, ask again, lay out the consequence or shall I say threat of what will happen, ask again, and finally there is action.

I have wondered is it okay that once the threat of punishment is reminded to my kids they typically jump into action.  Is this okay?  I mean, don't I want them to act without me having to threaten punishment.

....but then I had a moment with the Lord one morning while exercising.  Often times I ask you Allison for action.  You are distracted.  You hear my voice in the background.  You think I probably should address that...and yet still you sit...unmoved by my request.  I call a bit louder and you begin to process maybe taking action, but that would take effort, or pain, or conflict....so I come and get your eyes on mine, remind you of the consequence of your actions of lack there of...you process...and you come.  Oh sweet girl.  I would love first time obedience out of you as well.  It is not your nature.  I am thankful however that you can process through.  Even if it is the threat of the consequence that drives you to obedience...and not just out of respect for me that you come...the point is that you still come.  I love you.


And that my dear readers is my new eyes open thoughts on first time obedience.  I think as adults we process through everything that our kids process through.  And, if we are honest it is the threat of the consequence that often times drives us to obedience, or making a wise choice.

So.  Keep expecting obedience.  Keep asking.  Keep following through on punishments...but allow the process to happen.  I don't want a robot.  I want a child who can process through what is happening.  Think it all the way through to the outcome...and make a choice.  Hopefully it is a wise one.

Weeping...Still

I haven't written in awhile.

Must be summer.

Must be three kids.

Must be that my heart is still healing and I wonder do you truly want to know where I am?  Do you dear reader, want to read about someone else's hurt...

This is the thing I know.  Grief comes out of the blue.  I truly have been doing really well.  I wouldn't say that I think about loosing the baby even every day any more which is so nice to be honest.  But the other night I found myself weeping .... again.  Poor, sweet Jason.  We are planning our first get-a-way (longer than 1-2 nights) from our kids since Caroline was born...so over 5 years.  We knew this was an important thing to plan in our 2012 year and we are making it happen.  As we were finalizing which week in October...I just all of a sudden lost it.  I began to weep...see we will be going right when I would have been around 37 weeks pregnant....that's when our other 3 were delivered.
I wept the fact that we will be able to go.  Isn't that silly?  And I kept weeping.  It came from the very gut of me.  So sad to not know that little one.  So so very sad.

I tell you this not because I am hoping for a bunch of encouraging comments that we will make it through this.  Because see I know this.  But I think that there are women out there who have lost little ones and you may not know that others still cry like you do....or that it is okay to cry...still.

I think that grief comes out of nowhere when Wyatt will come and lay his head on my tummy and say something about the baby in there.  BAM!  I will remind him that there isn't a baby any more.  He sighs, and says "Oh yeah."  Then later that same evening..."Mommy, we will have to have more water in the bath tub for when the new baby is in here with us."  BAM!  "No bud, remember there isn't any new baby anymore."  "Oh yeah."  Days will go by and he will talk about the names we should talk about for the baby.  BAM!  "No bud...."  I pause...I tell him that would be a fun name (some thing CARS themed), but remember there isn't a baby to name any more.

I wept last night and the possible end of this season.  For a woman, at least this woman, bearing children has been something I have dreamed about since being a little girl, and now the thought that that era is finished is daunting.  I am not sure that I have dreamed past this stage...and for a dreamer that is interesting.  My worth CAN NOT be in raising children.  The weeping is honest.  It's what I do with that weeping that will set forth my attitude towards the future.  Does not bearing children anymore say something about my age...that my youth is ending...but that isn't a bad thing.  I told Jason that stopping having children seems to mean that I have put and end so to speak to the length of time I will have this job.   I am realizing I think as I type...that I haven't dreamed past children.  I can't tell you what that looks like. What do you do after you've had your dream job?

Perhaps it's time to allow myself to dream.  Do you?

Teaching Modesty...

It is an interesting thing...modesty.  Wanting to look trendy, cute, stylish, thin, fun, expressive, pretty...yet teaching that in today's world is difficult.  I know that I can't expect to have a conversation with my girls when they are teens about appropriate or modest clothing if I haven't been having the conversation with them from the beginning.  And I can't expect Wyatt to look at girls with respect about their bodies if he hasn't seen me model it and teach it to our girls.

I had a friend stop me today and ask where I got my running shorts because her teenage daughter noticed that I was dressed modestly and wanted to know where I got them.  It caught me a bit of guard.  I hadn't thought about my shorts being modest...but I guess in today's fashion they are.  The mom said, "You never know who is watching you to see how you choose to dress."  I guess I had thought about it in relation to what my kids see, but not as much about what my friends kids see.   It is possible to have influence without meaning to.

 I guess choosing modest clothing has been instilled in me since a young age.  No bikini's were allowed in our household.  My mom always said that she trusted me she just didn't trust the guy looking at me.  I didn't understand that, and probably didn't until I got married.  I have heard from some friends that living in the south you just can't say no to bikini's because we all vacation at the beach.  Really?  Is that the reason.  (Sorry not trying to offend, I thought that was a silly reason.)  I remember a very specific time in a department store.  I wanted a mini-skirt so bad.  My parents and I were out shopping.  We found one.  So cute.  But it was a mini-skirt.  My parents had me try it on and then they began asking me questions like.  "How will you pick something up off of the ground if it falls?"  I started to bend over.  They stopped me and said, "No if you are going to wear this skirt then you squat down and pick it up keeping your knees together."  Then I had to show them how I would sit in a chair.   I remember it like it was yesterday.  I don't think before that moment I had given much thought to how I bent down to pick something up or how I would sit in regards to my clothing.  I would forever think about it from that moment on.  All it took was my parents teaching me.  I got to get the skirt by the way.

Another time in high school I was wearing a looser fitting shirt that I hadn't thought much about what would happen when I bent over.  I didn't look at myself as a sexual being if that makes sense.  I didn't look at my body and think some boy would lust over it.  But I remember leaning over someone at a basketball game and a boy I knew commented that he liked my bra.  I was horrified.  I would forever put my hand up on my chest when I bent over now.  All it took was someone making me aware.  One time in the safety of my parents...another in the lustful comment of a teenage boy.  I guess I would prefer for my children to have those comments coming from the safety of a parents voice.

Caroline and I have begun to talk about this since she was being potty trained.  Talking about what is appropriate.  What is modest.  As we look at swim suits, we look at modest ones.  Trying to find a tankini (because going potty for a little kid is way easier in a two piece that's for sure) that is modest.  Because there is going to come the time when she is going shopping, and I hope she sees one of my friends and comments that she likes their clothing even though it is modest and wants to know where she can get it. 

This applies to SO MUCH in parenting in general I think.  I can't expect my child to learn and know about how to manage finances when they are older if we don't begin teaching them the "give-save-spend" lesson now.  I can't expect them to know about what the consistent time with God can do in your life if I don't model it and begin teaching about it now...when they are young.  I can't expect them to know what it means to respect the authority of a boss if I don't expect them to respect my authority.  I can't expect my girls to know how to protect the thoughts of the boys they will date if I don't begin teaching modesty now. 

So, I have to look at what I am teaching them.  It's okay to say we can't afford something.  That's good for them to hear.  It's okay for me to say I'm choosing not to eat something because I want to be healthy.   It's good for me to look in the mirror and ask myself if what I am wearing is appropriate.  They are watching...Wyatt too.  I don't want to discount what I hope this lesson teaches Wyatt, not just Caroline and Hope.  It is my job to teach them.  What am I saying...what are they seeing?  Dear reader what are you saying...what are your kids seeing?  It's a hard question to ask.  But their future selves will appreciate it.  Be bold.  Be different.  Start young.  You are doing a good work and you can not come down from it!

A Lesson in Conflict Resolution

I do not proclaim to know how to do this...

I am not very good at it myself...

But I watch my children struggle...and I know I have to help even if it is feeble at best. 

I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day and she shared something about one of her children retreating away from a situation when she is teased, or has a toy taken away...basically when she is treated badly she will go and hide (this a pre-schooler by the way).  We were talking about if this was alright or should she be made to not leave and deal with this hurt right there.

Then there is the typical day in our household where the Caroline and Wyatt tend to play well with one another...but there is the standard "He won't share." or "I don't want to play with him anymore." or "She hurt my feelings." or "Ahhhhhh NO (followed with some version of a push)". 

All of these situations are so very normal.  But it is in the teaching of my little guys, and you yours how to handle these situations that I think will shape their ability to handle conflict resolution as teens and adults in a healthy way.  That's scary right?  I mean...if I am bad at this and would rather retreat how the heck am I going to teach this to my children. 

Prayer.  Yes of course you say.  Patience.  Thankful the Lord's mercies are new every morning.  One more...TIME.  This conflict resolution stuff takes time...took Wyatt an hour the other day.  He would not apologize to his sister for hitting and pushing her down.  So, he sat in his room on his bed (until he decided he would crawl under the covers and take a little snooze ...ummm no), then on the floor by his bed until he could ask the Lord to help him apologize for his inappropriate behavior.  But that took an HOUR.  Geez you would think a kid would snap out of it and want to play....

Oh but wait he is cut from the same DNA as his momma and daddy...and let's be honest don't we stew in it a bit before we go and ask for forgiveness or say "Hey can we talk about what happened that hurt my feelings?"  We take awhile.  So do they.

So in my opinion my friends child who is wanting to retreat when in a hurtful situation - honestly isn't that bad b/c wouldn we want ours to leave a situation where people are hurting them.  But, it's what that child does with it in a few minutes or days.  I think we do have to teach our children about going back...circling back around to the hard situations in life and handling them head on.

I wonder how many of our marriages would be different if we could learn about the circling back...after the emotions have died down...after the hurt has somewhat subsided.  Would some of the marriages been actually saved? 

So this prayer, patience and time that are hard to come by...come in amply supply from our Father.  I have actually prayed that the Lord would somehow stretch the time when I felt like I needed more of it...I don't know if time was actually stretched or he just helped me to be more efficient in the use of that time.  The patience I so desperately need when I lay my head on the pillow at night not quite sure how I will handle another day if it is like today....I wake up with new mercies - not just for my children but also for myself as a mother.  The prayer...well...isn't it wonderful how scripture says that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when just can't utter another word....

The Lord knows you. He knows your children.  I believe He would have us learn and then also teach conflict resolution to our little ones.  In our household it is going to the person you have wronged.  Look them in the eye.  Say I am sorry AND ask for forgiveness.  Then the other person answers back, Yes I forgive you. 

I think the asking for forgiveness part is crucial.  I must admit that when I asked this of Jason in our early marriage he would say you don't need to ask for forgiveness for that.  To which I would answer, but I do.  I disrespected you, or hurt you...or (fill in the blank) against you...please forgive me.  It's probably because my mom drilled in my head as a child, teen and young adult this phrase and it has stuck with me.

"Are you sorry you did it or are you sorry you got caught?"  (note to self...it might be time to begin saying that around here)

I think most of us would say - if we were honest - we are sorry we got caught.  But that isn't the true repentant heart.  Sometimes I would answer my mom that I was genuinely sorry I did something...I think the punishment changed if that was the answer...but they created such a climate at home that we also knew it was okay to answer that we were sorry we got caught. 

I want to be sorry I did something.  I want to teach that to my children.  I want them to have healthy interpersonal relationships with those around them.  Not stuffing anger away, but learning that sometimes you need a little space to calm down, but then how to go and circle back and make it right.

Teach me Lord.  Teach my children through me.  I am doing a good work and I can not come down from it.

Conversation with Caroline

It was a typical night. All kids were up in bed. Caroline had made her one trip down adventure. She gets to leave her light on until 8:30, reading or singing or playing...Jason told me earlier that she wanted me to come up and tell her to turn her light off at 8:30...and do the final tuck in. I think I remember saying "Really? She can't handle it if I don't come up there." It would be 8:30 in about 10 min. It's not that I mind going up...well...kind of...it's just I am tired by that point...I know she just wants one more interaction...one more hug...one more I love you. How can that be wrong. It isn't but sometimes...I am just so tired by that point that I don't always have the best attitude. Not that anyone else out there has this struggle too. So...it's 8:30pm I trek up there. We pull books out of her bed...toys out of her bed...snuggle her in...turn out her light. I lean in real close and pray the typical prayer I say over our kids, "Lord, I pray that someday Caroline will choose to ask you into her heart and call you Lord and Savior. I pray for her special man someday that he will know You and love Caroline like her daddy loves me." I hadn't barely said "Amen" and her sweet little voice began this conversation...

 C: Mommy I already did that.
Me: Already did what?
C: I already asked Jesus into my heart to be my Lord and Savior.

- trying not to get too emotional b/c she sometimes retreats when you make a big deal

Me: You did? Caroline that is awesome. I am so proud of you. When did you do that?
C: A few days ago when you were still feeding Hopey and I was outside playing. I did it all by myself (very proud of this) when no one else was around.
Me: I am really proud of you. Tell me more about what you said.
C: I was looking out at the woods and started getting scared so I just asked Jesus to come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior.
Me: Cool. That is a really big deal Caroline.
C: (as she is stroking my face) Mommy when did you ask Jesus to be your Lord and Savior?
Me: When I was about your age.
 C: I don't think Wyatt knows much about that.
Me: Well, you can tell him about it sometime.

 I came downstairs trying to hold it together and shared with Jason. We have prayed this prayer over her so many times and this is the only time that she has said this to us or asked me about when I did it. Jason and I both agreed that this is enough for now. There will be plenty of time for theology and does she understand sin...what she understands now is that when she needed help...she turned to Jesus. Not ME! I love that! Oh that she will always run to the Lord FIRST!

I could hardly think about anything else for awhile. When I covered her up before I went to bed I just looked at her sleeping and thought Oh Lord - eternity with Caroline. Thank you! Then the gracious hand of the Holy Spirit to draw her to him before she hits public school in the fall. I am grateful. I just wanted to share that this really BIG thing happened in our family. It was simple. Caroline didn't make it hard. Jason and I could have made it hard when she shared by getting all theological on our 5 year old...most importantly our LORD didn't make it hard! I am proud. I am excited. I have been praying for this since July 2006 when we found out we were pregnant with her. Answered prayer.

*Pics are of Caroline in her ballet recital costume for picture day and at the mother/daughter princess party.

No Matter What

Life. It has curve balls. It has unanswered questions. It is full of hope. It is full of opportunity. It is a training ground...not just for my kids...but for me as well. Some updates. I am good. My heart is good. I am healing. I am learning that there is a difference between remembering and dwelling. There is totally the option of remaining-forever, in the place of lost child. Of always having it have to be a part of conversation. Or, there is the option of letting what happened be a PART of my heart...and I can grieve when needed...I can talk about it when necessary...but it doesn't have to be a part of all of my thoughts or conversations. In a weird way...there is healing in the forgetting. Does that make sense? It's not a forgetting of what has happened...but it is a forgetting or a refusal to let the loss consume and take part of my conversations from now until I die. I know people who reside in this place...never moving on...never allowing what has happened to be a part of their story...but not the WHOLE story. So...I am working on remembering not dwelling. Most recently, I was in the hospital on Monday-Tuesday for about 24 hours. I am not trying to be redundant, but I am assuming that some of you read this that don't necessarily see all my fb posts. Ahhh you must have a life! Ha! I have been having some dizziness, and chest pain. And honestly...still do even now as I type this...it was all a little freaky to me on Monday when the symptoms were all happening at the same time...I even went and checked my blood pressure. I have a cuff here at home b/c of the high bp's I have had through my other pregnancies. My BP was high too....so off to the ER I go. We literally did almost every test they could have I think...and ALL tests came back normal. Since I am one degree (or two) shy of a medical degree here are my thoughts on this whole event that has happened. With every pregnancy I have suffered from high BP either during (except Hope) and after (all 3) from High BP for about 6-8 weeks post-partum. I have been told that I was not far enough along in the 4th pregnancy to have these kind of issues after the loss...however...I have never had BP issues unless I am prego or just had a baby. Let's be honest. I had a baby...be it early...my hormones are still having to adjust and get back to normal and for me post having a baby this is normal high bp for me...soooo I am still checking my BP at home (for my peace of mind) and going to report those in to the OB at my post op appointment in a couple of weeks and just see what he says about it too. My spiritual side of learning from this latest experience...I want so badly to be filled with praise NO MATTER the situation. I kept telling myself in the hospital that no matter what they tell me praise HIM! However, as it began to look like nothing was the matter I just started getting ticked off at having to be there...then I found myself praying and realizing that I had said NO MATTER the outcome...praise him...even if that means I am there - in a hospital - Jason is at home withe the kids missing work - and I was there...still PRAISE HIM! So, I began to walk the halls and pray for those in the rooms I was passing. I was going to Praise even through the boredom...through the hassle of being there...through the poking and prodding, the "cardiac wing"...I would Praise Him! I have also begun to ask the Lord if this is his way of using my body to tell me that we are finished...having more children...that perhaps it is time to give my body a break. I am so blessed to have been able to have 3 very healthy children w/ all of the complications of being diabetic. There wasn't a heart attack this time...but would next time be different post-partum? We are praying and seeking the Lord for answers to this question. Praying the Lord would ready my heart no matter the answer...and that I will choose to praise him NO MATTER what!!! Scripture says that we are to consider it ALL JOY! So...I am. I am going to consider loosing the baby a JOY...somehow. I am going to consider this expensive 24 hour stay away from my family (not quite how I envisioned it) a JOY...somehow. I am going to consider the fact that we might be finished having children...a JOY...somehow. What is it dear reader that you need to be praising HIM about and considering JOY NO MATTER what? Ask the question. Find the answer.