Weeping...Still

I haven't written in awhile.

Must be summer.

Must be three kids.

Must be that my heart is still healing and I wonder do you truly want to know where I am?  Do you dear reader, want to read about someone else's hurt...

This is the thing I know.  Grief comes out of the blue.  I truly have been doing really well.  I wouldn't say that I think about loosing the baby even every day any more which is so nice to be honest.  But the other night I found myself weeping .... again.  Poor, sweet Jason.  We are planning our first get-a-way (longer than 1-2 nights) from our kids since Caroline was born...so over 5 years.  We knew this was an important thing to plan in our 2012 year and we are making it happen.  As we were finalizing which week in October...I just all of a sudden lost it.  I began to weep...see we will be going right when I would have been around 37 weeks pregnant....that's when our other 3 were delivered.
I wept the fact that we will be able to go.  Isn't that silly?  And I kept weeping.  It came from the very gut of me.  So sad to not know that little one.  So so very sad.

I tell you this not because I am hoping for a bunch of encouraging comments that we will make it through this.  Because see I know this.  But I think that there are women out there who have lost little ones and you may not know that others still cry like you do....or that it is okay to cry...still.

I think that grief comes out of nowhere when Wyatt will come and lay his head on my tummy and say something about the baby in there.  BAM!  I will remind him that there isn't a baby any more.  He sighs, and says "Oh yeah."  Then later that same evening..."Mommy, we will have to have more water in the bath tub for when the new baby is in here with us."  BAM!  "No bud, remember there isn't any new baby anymore."  "Oh yeah."  Days will go by and he will talk about the names we should talk about for the baby.  BAM!  "No bud...."  I pause...I tell him that would be a fun name (some thing CARS themed), but remember there isn't a baby to name any more.

I wept last night and the possible end of this season.  For a woman, at least this woman, bearing children has been something I have dreamed about since being a little girl, and now the thought that that era is finished is daunting.  I am not sure that I have dreamed past this stage...and for a dreamer that is interesting.  My worth CAN NOT be in raising children.  The weeping is honest.  It's what I do with that weeping that will set forth my attitude towards the future.  Does not bearing children anymore say something about my age...that my youth is ending...but that isn't a bad thing.  I told Jason that stopping having children seems to mean that I have put and end so to speak to the length of time I will have this job.   I am realizing I think as I type...that I haven't dreamed past children.  I can't tell you what that looks like. What do you do after you've had your dream job?

Perhaps it's time to allow myself to dream.  Do you?

Teaching Modesty...

It is an interesting thing...modesty.  Wanting to look trendy, cute, stylish, thin, fun, expressive, pretty...yet teaching that in today's world is difficult.  I know that I can't expect to have a conversation with my girls when they are teens about appropriate or modest clothing if I haven't been having the conversation with them from the beginning.  And I can't expect Wyatt to look at girls with respect about their bodies if he hasn't seen me model it and teach it to our girls.

I had a friend stop me today and ask where I got my running shorts because her teenage daughter noticed that I was dressed modestly and wanted to know where I got them.  It caught me a bit of guard.  I hadn't thought about my shorts being modest...but I guess in today's fashion they are.  The mom said, "You never know who is watching you to see how you choose to dress."  I guess I had thought about it in relation to what my kids see, but not as much about what my friends kids see.   It is possible to have influence without meaning to.

 I guess choosing modest clothing has been instilled in me since a young age.  No bikini's were allowed in our household.  My mom always said that she trusted me she just didn't trust the guy looking at me.  I didn't understand that, and probably didn't until I got married.  I have heard from some friends that living in the south you just can't say no to bikini's because we all vacation at the beach.  Really?  Is that the reason.  (Sorry not trying to offend, I thought that was a silly reason.)  I remember a very specific time in a department store.  I wanted a mini-skirt so bad.  My parents and I were out shopping.  We found one.  So cute.  But it was a mini-skirt.  My parents had me try it on and then they began asking me questions like.  "How will you pick something up off of the ground if it falls?"  I started to bend over.  They stopped me and said, "No if you are going to wear this skirt then you squat down and pick it up keeping your knees together."  Then I had to show them how I would sit in a chair.   I remember it like it was yesterday.  I don't think before that moment I had given much thought to how I bent down to pick something up or how I would sit in regards to my clothing.  I would forever think about it from that moment on.  All it took was my parents teaching me.  I got to get the skirt by the way.

Another time in high school I was wearing a looser fitting shirt that I hadn't thought much about what would happen when I bent over.  I didn't look at myself as a sexual being if that makes sense.  I didn't look at my body and think some boy would lust over it.  But I remember leaning over someone at a basketball game and a boy I knew commented that he liked my bra.  I was horrified.  I would forever put my hand up on my chest when I bent over now.  All it took was someone making me aware.  One time in the safety of my parents...another in the lustful comment of a teenage boy.  I guess I would prefer for my children to have those comments coming from the safety of a parents voice.

Caroline and I have begun to talk about this since she was being potty trained.  Talking about what is appropriate.  What is modest.  As we look at swim suits, we look at modest ones.  Trying to find a tankini (because going potty for a little kid is way easier in a two piece that's for sure) that is modest.  Because there is going to come the time when she is going shopping, and I hope she sees one of my friends and comments that she likes their clothing even though it is modest and wants to know where she can get it. 

This applies to SO MUCH in parenting in general I think.  I can't expect my child to learn and know about how to manage finances when they are older if we don't begin teaching them the "give-save-spend" lesson now.  I can't expect them to know about what the consistent time with God can do in your life if I don't model it and begin teaching about it now...when they are young.  I can't expect them to know what it means to respect the authority of a boss if I don't expect them to respect my authority.  I can't expect my girls to know how to protect the thoughts of the boys they will date if I don't begin teaching modesty now. 

So, I have to look at what I am teaching them.  It's okay to say we can't afford something.  That's good for them to hear.  It's okay for me to say I'm choosing not to eat something because I want to be healthy.   It's good for me to look in the mirror and ask myself if what I am wearing is appropriate.  They are watching...Wyatt too.  I don't want to discount what I hope this lesson teaches Wyatt, not just Caroline and Hope.  It is my job to teach them.  What am I saying...what are they seeing?  Dear reader what are you saying...what are your kids seeing?  It's a hard question to ask.  But their future selves will appreciate it.  Be bold.  Be different.  Start young.  You are doing a good work and you can not come down from it!

A Lesson in Conflict Resolution

I do not proclaim to know how to do this...

I am not very good at it myself...

But I watch my children struggle...and I know I have to help even if it is feeble at best. 

I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day and she shared something about one of her children retreating away from a situation when she is teased, or has a toy taken away...basically when she is treated badly she will go and hide (this a pre-schooler by the way).  We were talking about if this was alright or should she be made to not leave and deal with this hurt right there.

Then there is the typical day in our household where the Caroline and Wyatt tend to play well with one another...but there is the standard "He won't share." or "I don't want to play with him anymore." or "She hurt my feelings." or "Ahhhhhh NO (followed with some version of a push)". 

All of these situations are so very normal.  But it is in the teaching of my little guys, and you yours how to handle these situations that I think will shape their ability to handle conflict resolution as teens and adults in a healthy way.  That's scary right?  I mean...if I am bad at this and would rather retreat how the heck am I going to teach this to my children. 

Prayer.  Yes of course you say.  Patience.  Thankful the Lord's mercies are new every morning.  One more...TIME.  This conflict resolution stuff takes time...took Wyatt an hour the other day.  He would not apologize to his sister for hitting and pushing her down.  So, he sat in his room on his bed (until he decided he would crawl under the covers and take a little snooze ...ummm no), then on the floor by his bed until he could ask the Lord to help him apologize for his inappropriate behavior.  But that took an HOUR.  Geez you would think a kid would snap out of it and want to play....

Oh but wait he is cut from the same DNA as his momma and daddy...and let's be honest don't we stew in it a bit before we go and ask for forgiveness or say "Hey can we talk about what happened that hurt my feelings?"  We take awhile.  So do they.

So in my opinion my friends child who is wanting to retreat when in a hurtful situation - honestly isn't that bad b/c wouldn we want ours to leave a situation where people are hurting them.  But, it's what that child does with it in a few minutes or days.  I think we do have to teach our children about going back...circling back around to the hard situations in life and handling them head on.

I wonder how many of our marriages would be different if we could learn about the circling back...after the emotions have died down...after the hurt has somewhat subsided.  Would some of the marriages been actually saved? 

So this prayer, patience and time that are hard to come by...come in amply supply from our Father.  I have actually prayed that the Lord would somehow stretch the time when I felt like I needed more of it...I don't know if time was actually stretched or he just helped me to be more efficient in the use of that time.  The patience I so desperately need when I lay my head on the pillow at night not quite sure how I will handle another day if it is like today....I wake up with new mercies - not just for my children but also for myself as a mother.  The prayer...well...isn't it wonderful how scripture says that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when just can't utter another word....

The Lord knows you. He knows your children.  I believe He would have us learn and then also teach conflict resolution to our little ones.  In our household it is going to the person you have wronged.  Look them in the eye.  Say I am sorry AND ask for forgiveness.  Then the other person answers back, Yes I forgive you. 

I think the asking for forgiveness part is crucial.  I must admit that when I asked this of Jason in our early marriage he would say you don't need to ask for forgiveness for that.  To which I would answer, but I do.  I disrespected you, or hurt you...or (fill in the blank) against you...please forgive me.  It's probably because my mom drilled in my head as a child, teen and young adult this phrase and it has stuck with me.

"Are you sorry you did it or are you sorry you got caught?"  (note to self...it might be time to begin saying that around here)

I think most of us would say - if we were honest - we are sorry we got caught.  But that isn't the true repentant heart.  Sometimes I would answer my mom that I was genuinely sorry I did something...I think the punishment changed if that was the answer...but they created such a climate at home that we also knew it was okay to answer that we were sorry we got caught. 

I want to be sorry I did something.  I want to teach that to my children.  I want them to have healthy interpersonal relationships with those around them.  Not stuffing anger away, but learning that sometimes you need a little space to calm down, but then how to go and circle back and make it right.

Teach me Lord.  Teach my children through me.  I am doing a good work and I can not come down from it.

Conversation with Caroline

It was a typical night. All kids were up in bed. Caroline had made her one trip down adventure. She gets to leave her light on until 8:30, reading or singing or playing...Jason told me earlier that she wanted me to come up and tell her to turn her light off at 8:30...and do the final tuck in. I think I remember saying "Really? She can't handle it if I don't come up there." It would be 8:30 in about 10 min. It's not that I mind going up...well...kind of...it's just I am tired by that point...I know she just wants one more interaction...one more hug...one more I love you. How can that be wrong. It isn't but sometimes...I am just so tired by that point that I don't always have the best attitude. Not that anyone else out there has this struggle too. So...it's 8:30pm I trek up there. We pull books out of her bed...toys out of her bed...snuggle her in...turn out her light. I lean in real close and pray the typical prayer I say over our kids, "Lord, I pray that someday Caroline will choose to ask you into her heart and call you Lord and Savior. I pray for her special man someday that he will know You and love Caroline like her daddy loves me." I hadn't barely said "Amen" and her sweet little voice began this conversation...

 C: Mommy I already did that.
Me: Already did what?
C: I already asked Jesus into my heart to be my Lord and Savior.

- trying not to get too emotional b/c she sometimes retreats when you make a big deal

Me: You did? Caroline that is awesome. I am so proud of you. When did you do that?
C: A few days ago when you were still feeding Hopey and I was outside playing. I did it all by myself (very proud of this) when no one else was around.
Me: I am really proud of you. Tell me more about what you said.
C: I was looking out at the woods and started getting scared so I just asked Jesus to come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior.
Me: Cool. That is a really big deal Caroline.
C: (as she is stroking my face) Mommy when did you ask Jesus to be your Lord and Savior?
Me: When I was about your age.
 C: I don't think Wyatt knows much about that.
Me: Well, you can tell him about it sometime.

 I came downstairs trying to hold it together and shared with Jason. We have prayed this prayer over her so many times and this is the only time that she has said this to us or asked me about when I did it. Jason and I both agreed that this is enough for now. There will be plenty of time for theology and does she understand sin...what she understands now is that when she needed help...she turned to Jesus. Not ME! I love that! Oh that she will always run to the Lord FIRST!

I could hardly think about anything else for awhile. When I covered her up before I went to bed I just looked at her sleeping and thought Oh Lord - eternity with Caroline. Thank you! Then the gracious hand of the Holy Spirit to draw her to him before she hits public school in the fall. I am grateful. I just wanted to share that this really BIG thing happened in our family. It was simple. Caroline didn't make it hard. Jason and I could have made it hard when she shared by getting all theological on our 5 year old...most importantly our LORD didn't make it hard! I am proud. I am excited. I have been praying for this since July 2006 when we found out we were pregnant with her. Answered prayer.

*Pics are of Caroline in her ballet recital costume for picture day and at the mother/daughter princess party.

No Matter What

Life. It has curve balls. It has unanswered questions. It is full of hope. It is full of opportunity. It is a training ground...not just for my kids...but for me as well. Some updates. I am good. My heart is good. I am healing. I am learning that there is a difference between remembering and dwelling. There is totally the option of remaining-forever, in the place of lost child. Of always having it have to be a part of conversation. Or, there is the option of letting what happened be a PART of my heart...and I can grieve when needed...I can talk about it when necessary...but it doesn't have to be a part of all of my thoughts or conversations. In a weird way...there is healing in the forgetting. Does that make sense? It's not a forgetting of what has happened...but it is a forgetting or a refusal to let the loss consume and take part of my conversations from now until I die. I know people who reside in this place...never moving on...never allowing what has happened to be a part of their story...but not the WHOLE story. So...I am working on remembering not dwelling. Most recently, I was in the hospital on Monday-Tuesday for about 24 hours. I am not trying to be redundant, but I am assuming that some of you read this that don't necessarily see all my fb posts. Ahhh you must have a life! Ha! I have been having some dizziness, and chest pain. And honestly...still do even now as I type this...it was all a little freaky to me on Monday when the symptoms were all happening at the same time...I even went and checked my blood pressure. I have a cuff here at home b/c of the high bp's I have had through my other pregnancies. My BP was high too....so off to the ER I go. We literally did almost every test they could have I think...and ALL tests came back normal. Since I am one degree (or two) shy of a medical degree here are my thoughts on this whole event that has happened. With every pregnancy I have suffered from high BP either during (except Hope) and after (all 3) from High BP for about 6-8 weeks post-partum. I have been told that I was not far enough along in the 4th pregnancy to have these kind of issues after the loss...however...I have never had BP issues unless I am prego or just had a baby. Let's be honest. I had a baby...be it early...my hormones are still having to adjust and get back to normal and for me post having a baby this is normal high bp for me...soooo I am still checking my BP at home (for my peace of mind) and going to report those in to the OB at my post op appointment in a couple of weeks and just see what he says about it too. My spiritual side of learning from this latest experience...I want so badly to be filled with praise NO MATTER the situation. I kept telling myself in the hospital that no matter what they tell me praise HIM! However, as it began to look like nothing was the matter I just started getting ticked off at having to be there...then I found myself praying and realizing that I had said NO MATTER the outcome...praise him...even if that means I am there - in a hospital - Jason is at home withe the kids missing work - and I was there...still PRAISE HIM! So, I began to walk the halls and pray for those in the rooms I was passing. I was going to Praise even through the boredom...through the hassle of being there...through the poking and prodding, the "cardiac wing"...I would Praise Him! I have also begun to ask the Lord if this is his way of using my body to tell me that we are finished...having more children...that perhaps it is time to give my body a break. I am so blessed to have been able to have 3 very healthy children w/ all of the complications of being diabetic. There wasn't a heart attack this time...but would next time be different post-partum? We are praying and seeking the Lord for answers to this question. Praying the Lord would ready my heart no matter the answer...and that I will choose to praise him NO MATTER what!!! Scripture says that we are to consider it ALL JOY! So...I am. I am going to consider loosing the baby a JOY...somehow. I am going to consider this expensive 24 hour stay away from my family (not quite how I envisioned it) a JOY...somehow. I am going to consider the fact that we might be finished having children...a JOY...somehow. What is it dear reader that you need to be praising HIM about and considering JOY NO MATTER what? Ask the question. Find the answer.

Celebrating & Grief

First things first. Thank you so much for all of your prayers and messages. They have been felt and witnessed in so many ways that I hope to share today. This is a bit of a lengthy post so thanks for indulging me as I need to share my heart. I must start with Friday night. My in-laws said they would like to come and watch the kids so Jason and I could go out alone. It was so good. We celebrated that little life lost. We laughed, cried, and just were. We had a great dinner and then saw a movie...good for my heart. Heading to bed that night I wept. I mourned in the quiet of our room...just Jason and I...mourning the thought of never being pregnant again...mourning the thought that I was just sorry it happened and there was NOTHING I could do about it...mourning the "what if's" the questions we don't have to know the answers to yet. Like: What if this was our 4th. Maybe God had called us to raise 3 but have 4. Mourning. My sweet husband just letting me cry. Each of us letting the other handle this in the way that is unique to both of us. Saturday was a day of life celebration. See...Hope Elizabeth (our 3rd) turned one! What?!!! She is ONE! Oh my goodness. We had a few friends and family gathered that afternoon for food and festivities. I was so thankful for that day. Someone commented about the sweet timing of this all! I totally agree. We got to celebrate life the day after we learned of our littlest ones passing! God's grace in that was just that...gracious. I really feel like I was able to celebrate Hope that day. I wasn't grieving our glory baby (what I have begun to refer to this little one as)...I was in the moment celebrating her first year of life with our friends and family. That night there was just a river of tears flowing. It was some of that from the very depth of you weeping. Grief. I have found that there are moments when I can just speak of this and not get choked up at all...and then other moments where the sorrow will just overflow right on out of my tear ducts. I am trying to be authentic in my grief. Meaning if I feel it coming (like I did when I was hugging my chiropractor today...yikes) then I am just gonna let it come...but if I'm doing good...I promise I am not putting up a front and trying to "be strong". Sunday...a time for worship. It was so good. I anticipated that this might be a little emotional for me...worship usually is (shocker)...but then we got to the 3rd song...and the weeping began. I was right next to Jason (that doesn't always get to happen with his role on Sundays) I just laid my head on his shoulder, raised my hands in the air and wept...it was going to be my last day with this little one. My last day to hold it. Let me pause here to say a few things about what I was wrestling with in my heart and mind. See we have some dear friends of ours who the wife is a social worker in Labor and Delivery at a local hospital. She called on Friday night and asked me several questions I wasn't prepared for or even thought possible for that matter. I am going to share what she did...in case there is someone out there who might want to know these things too. She asked these hard and wonderful questions. *Did I want to hold the baby? *Did I want to take pictures? *Did I want to have feet/hand prints done? *Did I want to talk about cremation? What? This totally caught me off guard. I didn't think any of thins kind of a thing was possible with only having carried this one 9 weeks. I had thought those that have carried babies further than me and lost them this would be possible...but not this early. She said she had held an 8 weaker...what? Oh my goodness. I began to wrestle with this. Now she works at a hospital where this might be more possible than at a surgery center where I would be. Jason and I wanted to handle this in the way that was right for us. Not everyone. We knew we would have one chance to handle this process with this child...we didn't want any regrets. My mom gave me some great words as we processed this. She said, "Honey if you can't physically in your hand hold this baby don't worry about that. You HAVE been holding this baby for 9 weeks in the most intimate way anyone ever could...within you...as close to your heart as you ever would be able to...you HAVE been holding this baby. Ahhh I needed to hear that. Ultimately, where I landed was this. I am a very visual person who has struggled with nightmares my whole life. I didn't want to ask to hold the baby because I didn't want to give Satan any opportunity to turn this beautiful thing into a nightmare. BUT...I did want to ask if they could do the footprints of the baby. I went and bought some simple white linen paper and an ink pad...ready to ask...but okay if they say it wasn't possible. Sunday night my mother-in-law came back over to spend the night. As I walked upstairs with the meds in my hand to begin the process...I wept in her arms saying "I don't want to do this. I don't want to say good-bye. I hate that this is happening." I went upstairs. Wept more with Jason over the reality of saying good-bye...facing tomorrow...wanting to be brave and courageous...not fearful of the process...I took the meds and fell asleep weeping. I am thankful for the moments when I would wake and praise songs would be going through my head as I fell in and out of slumber. That was a gracious thing from our Lord. Monday morning came. We headed out to the surgery center...I hadn't thought about the other grieving women that would be there that morning. I was filled with prayer for them and their husbands as they were about to endure something awful too. Let me say that while this was an awful part...there was such a graciousness of our Lord to care for me through strangers. Those of you who are in the medical profession...thank you for realizing that some of life just flat out sucks and acknowledging it. So when I went in (the first one of the day) the nurse right off the bat as I was getting ready to sign some papers said "I am so sorry you are here today." Just saying that was filled with such compassion for us and what we were going through HUGE! Then I have to sign a paper that has the most awful word on it (missed abortion) she says again to me "I just want you to know this is a medical term and it is just awful it just means that you had a miscarriage. I am sorry that is the word." Again, her acknowledgment of the situation was HUGE. Then she gives me the clothes to change into and says "Oh I don't like those gowns...let me get you my favorite kind." What...she didn't have to do that...but the Lord had prepared her in advance for what I would need that day and whether or not she was a believer she followed her intuition to say certain things and have her actions match that. She wasn't the only one. The anesthesiologist came over and also said, "I'm so sorry for why you are here today. (but then he would crack a joke) but I've got some great meds for you. You're gonna take a great nap and we will take care of you and it will all be okay." Amazing care...thank you. Next my sweet sweet doctor came to see us. He asked if I had questions. I had a couple and one being about the footprints. He smiled and let me know that the baby really didn't have the information yet to have those fully so that wouldn't be an option. I was at peace with that. I am so glad I asked though. Then we asked about the remains. He said they would be sent to a lab to be analyzed and then would be cremated. That was so peaceful for me to think about. Then we asked if he would pray with us. He said absolutely. The 3 of us held hands, Jason prayed, and we all cried. Thankful for that moment. I was then taken back...had to climb onto the table myself. Didn't really expect that. I found myself thankful that my eyesight is so bad because then I could really make out all the details of the operating room...They were all still so careful with me...so kind. I began to weep. I didn't expect that. Oxygen...kind words in my ear...my doc squeezing my feet...and I was asleep. That might have been more information for you than you wanted. But this is cathartic for me to share. I don't know who is reading. Several of you have (in unexpected ways) commented that you didn't know how our story was already helping you to grieve some loss in your life...or draw you nearer to our Lord...sweet Jesus...that our little glory baby might draw not only us closer to you but total strangers...well then I will be obedient and share my heart...my honest, raw heart. In parting for today...and I know it's been a longish read...I share this. With each of our children we have chosen verses and songs for them. I believe I have shared about the verses before...Jason chose the girls. I chose Wyatt's and now this little ones song. Once we've chosen the verse I will share that as well. Caroline's verse: Ps 86:11 "Teach me your way and I will walk in your truth. Give me an undivided heart and I will fear your name." Her song: well can you guess "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond Wyatt's verse: 1 Chronicles 4:10 "O that you would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory. That your hand would be with me. That you would keep from evil that I may not cause pain." His song: from The Four Seasons "Can't Take my Eyes Off of You" Hope's verse: Colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord and not for men." Her song: by Bruno Mars "Just the Way You Are" #4's song: A friend (Thank you Emily) in a post reminded me of a song I knew way back when and it is a perfect song for our littlest. by the old group Watermark (Christy and Nathan Nockels) "Glory Baby" If you haven't heard this song it is a must listen...especially if you too have lost a little life. Blessings dear readers. Blessings to those of you who have lost a child...grieved their going...and celebrated their life no matter how short...continue in that process...the grieving and the celebrating. I am.

And So We Choose to Celebrate

Dear readers...

This morning at my 9 week update we discovered that our littlest one's heart has stopped beating.

I was in for my routine 9 week ultrasound (I have several due to my Type 1 Diabetes). I had brought Wyatt with me because we were going to have a date afterward. I was helping him with something on my phone when I looked at my sweet sweet doctor. He was quiet...looking. I said, "Is everything alright?" He grimaced and turned the screen toward me. I knew immediately. I said, "Oh there isn't a heart beat." He said, "No there isn't Allison, I am so sorry."

Side bar. I have thought about this scenario before. What will I do when someone tells me horrible, terrible news. I have thought often about Michelle Duggar (I am a fan) and the episode that they showed of them discovering they had lost Jubilee. Her first words were in praise to the Lord. I wanted to be this kind of woman. I want my response to the tragedies of life to be praise for and toward our Lord.

I am thankful that the first words out of my mouth were. "Thank you Lord. I am thankful you love this little baby more than we do."

My sweet sweet doctor is a believer. He would just squeeze my leg or foot. He explained that by the size he believes it was at about 8 weeks 4 days. That would've been last Sunday. A great day to go home to glory. You must know I believe that. I believe this child had a soul even in this tiny form. I had already seen and heard the heart beat at 6 weeks 2 days on my first ultrasound. Honestly, I am so thankful I heard my child's heart and saw it even if I will never feel it's beating in this life.

After the nurse left I started crying even more. I looked at my doctor who too had tears in his eyes. He said how sorry he was. I told him how thankful I am that he is a believer. Somehow it makes it easier in that moment. I told him how thankful I was that he was the one telling us and not someone else. I am thankful for the body of Christ.

When we got home we got Caroline and Wyatt together and shared with them that sometimes things happen that are sad and that we have no control over. The doctor told Mommy at her appointment that the babies heart had stopped beating. Now the baby lived with Jesus. My tummy won't get big. We won't bring a baby home from the hospital. They said ok. Then asked when do we get to have another baby? Later in the car Caroline asked this sweet question. "Momma when the baby is in heaven will it look like a baby?" I don't know. I believe we will know each other. Someday. I will know my baby. What it looks like...boy/girl? Our hugs will just have to wait a while to that time in glory.

It is heartbreaking. Yet I will celebrate. I have to. I have to choose this option in the my mourning of my child. Tonight we are going as a family to dinner to celebrate this life. Our kids don't necessarily know why we celebrate...but some day I will explain it again and they will understand. This was a life. A life worth celebrating.

I will have a DNC on Monday morning if it doesn't happen over the weekend. I would covet your prayers for that procedure.

I know many many women have had this happen. I am thankful that to this point this is our first time going through this experience. I will as usual try to be honest about what I am going through. Anticipating that the Lord might just use this to comfort another grieving heart.

I am thankful we chose to tell all of you in the earliest days. Knowing that if we should ever go through this...there would be this community to wrap their arms around us and pray. So...thank you. We are going to celebrate. Join us.

Deuteronomy 29:29 "The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever."