Being a Good Steward

Today with a lump in my throat I am reminded why my interest in my kids is so very strong, firm, focused, and passionate. I have been called to this. I think when you believe in something you are working on or toward or for...you become focused...you zero in on what is important and what is not. The Lord has entrusted three children to our care, I must focus.

Go back with me to a night when I was a teenager...let's just say it wasn't one of my finer moments. With passion comes great emotion and when that isn't properly expressed it is turbulent. My family was playing some kind of game around the table...(let me insert here that I am highly competitive as well) I think I got all in a tizzy about either not winning or I was kind of being made fun of by my brother - I don't remember the initial details but I do know something sent me over the edge emotionally. When this happens (sadly even as an adult) it sends me down a path of extremes. "Fine I will never listen to music again." "Fine, I will never leave the house again." "Fine I will never ...." This night wasn't too different. I just remember ending up in a heap on our stairs crying because I wasn't as smart as my brother. How would I ever earn enough money to support myself as an adult. I was so different from him. I thought I was to be in ministry somewhere and that would surely never support me...I remember thinking my parents must be more excited about Darren than me (a lie straight from the pit...they had never said anything to even elude to this). After I quieted down my mom gently began to tell me that they loved me for me. That who cares if Darren and I end up in different places earning different amounts of money. They only cared that I love and server the Lord in whatever I did. God had asked them to first raise Darren. Then God asked them to raise Allison. Two totally separate human beings. He asked them to be a good steward of Darren and then Allison.

Until that point I had never even thought about that concept. That perhaps Darren and I were supposed to be totally different. Mom said the only reason we were siblings is because God thought it best that Dave and Carolyn Unruh raise us both.

I think of this today, with a lump in my throat, as I thank my savior for the awesome task before Jason and I. He has asked us to be parents to Caroline. Then Wyatt. They Hope. To raise them individually. Yet, having them in the same home will allow them to learn some things about team work, negotiations, compromise etc that they couldn't learn else where...

I think of this today as I watch a co-worker of Jason's love on their 3rd daughter just born this past Monday with Trisomy 13. The father just posted to fb that they were trying their best to honor, support and love her the best they could.

Isn't that it? To honor, support and love our children the best that we can.

My interests are my husband. My 3 kids. Loving my God. Laughing hard. Loving to the depth of my core...living in a way that is honoring to the Lord. I am called to be a good steward of these three lives...help me Lord when the hours feel long. Help me Lord when the hours feel short. Jesus help!

*side note I will probably not be able to write until after the holidays as I am going back to Kansas. Merry Christmas!

Interests. What are they?

My husband, Jason and I had a great conversation the other night. I was actually able to receive it. I didn't get all defensive (this is a biggie for me). I really struggle with defensiveness. Mom says it's good I at least recognize it at a young age...the Lord can work on that with me. Some never recognize this and it robs them of much joy.

So, back to the conversation. We had been to dinner and were having fine conversation...but it wasn't really about anything in particular. It lulled...we weren't quite that couple sitting there with nothing to talk about...but it felt harder than normal to converse. When we got in the car and were heading to a staff Christmas party, I asked him about it. I told him that I didn't really want to talk sports and racing...really don't like talking about politics at ALL...movies...tv....it all feels trite. Shallow. I love to talk about my kids. Brainstorm creative ways to discipline, to figure out "the issue" and work on that. I love to read books about parenting, how to be intentional, how to schedule a baby...I love all of that. I love looking at what God has to say about all of that too. That said, I don't know that I have any interests any more that don't have to do with our kids or parenting.

As Jason and I talked about it - he was really sweet. I was able to hear him. Hear him say that when I was working it seemed that I was able to talk about more of a variety of subjects...now I think I might be a bit tunnel visioned. I don't know. I am at a bit of a loss on this one.

I am not sure it is balanced to really only think about parenting, discipline, effectively impacting our children...but then I think...this is my job too. Jason spends hours brainstorming the best, most effective ways to do things w/ his work...yet he also has other interests. I am not sure I have any anymore. What does this say about me?

Perhaps this is a season. Perhaps the prayer needs to begin to be Lord show me balance. Help me to find other things interesting. Help me to work at expanding what you might want to have influence in my life. I trust you Lord. Help me know how to process this. You gave me a brain, passion, and focus. Direct it to where you want.

Praying for your Enemies

On a little side note. If you are new to the blog you might want to check out "New Words" and "Intentional Time" to learn a little bit more about why I have felt called to do this. Enough about that.

I love my church. I love it! I love the teaching. I love the community. I flat out love it. As we walked out the door this past Sunday the host team handed us a little card w/ a 5 day devotional on it with scripture from the Christmas Story and then a short prayer. Today's caught my attention in an unusual way. It caused me to pray this in earnest for my kids and reflect to some things I was taught growing up.

The scripture was from Matthew 1:18-25 (TNIV) I won't write all of this you can read for yourself, but basically it is the part of the story where Joseph gets visited by an angel of the Lord and decides to marry Mary. The prayer is what I want to share.

"Heavenly Father,
There are days when what others think of me overshadows what you say is true of me. The fear of looking foolish or missing out is sometimes more than I can bear. I pray that you will give me the faith of Joseph-to obey you in the moment and to trust you with my reputation in the future. Amen."

Amen indeed! I realize this is a huge prayer to teach my children. That they might in this simple way realize, like Joseph, that mainstream is just that - mainstream. God called Joseph to something unique. Even in the midst of others mocking him (and you know he was mocked for staying with Mary), he followed through on what the Lord was asking of him.

Growing up I was made fun of a lot. I mean A LOT! I just have one of those personalities that can be the punch line to most jokes. As a child I just talked about things I loved. I talked about the Lord and growing up to be a famous actor on Broadway. I was made fun of. As I grew older, I was made fun of for choosing to be different in high school. In high school I am sure it was more behind my back. But earlier...it would be right to my face. I share this because of what my mom taught me, that I pray, in the moment w/ my kids I remember, and don't go flying down the street or school to whoever "hurt my kid" and give them what for! See in elementary school (go Mustangs!) I got off the bus one day and as mom met me in the driveway I burst into tears. I think mom said it took awhile to get it out of me what had happened...but kids had been making fun of me all day long and it hurt my heart badly. She sat me down and said "ok let's pray for those kids." WHAT?!! Pray FOR them. Heck no - against them maybe...but for them. Mom then began an important lesson in praying for your enemies. Praying for those who hurt you. I sat there, and opened my mouth and prayed FOR those kids. Everything in me wanted to run the other way and speak harsh words about them to others...but no, mom said we will pray for them. And any day in the future we will pray FOR them.

What an amazing lesson I learned. Much like Joseph, the opinions of others often clouds our view of how we think the Lord views us. It shapes our view of truth...instead of balancing something up against scripture and if it holds true there...then it is truth.

May I continue to pray this way. May I teach my kids what my mom did. God's way is truth. We need to obey him in the moment and trust him with our reputations in the future. Vital reminder today. Thanks Lord!

*the pic really has nothing to do w/ anything other than will you look at that hat! HA! Enjoy.

Traditions part 2

I mentioned in an earlier post about Traditions. A book that has shaped my view of tradition and how to incorporate that into the home is Noel Piper's "Treasuring God in our Traditions." Amazing! Chapter 5 is called "Everyday and the Ultimate." This chapter helped put into practical terms how you make spending time with God normal. Mrs. Piper said, "How wonderful it is when family worship is just as normal a part of the day-so that the day is uncomfortable and off-kilter without it." Now, while we do not have daily family worship I have incorporated this practice into our home school time on Tues and Thursday. They love it. I found a kids worship dvd and we do a few songs after our bible time. I love it when I look beside me and I see Caroline w/ baby doll on her hip swaying back and forth with the other hand up in the air praising....then I realize that I am holding Wyatt, swaying back and forth and have my other hand in the air. They are watching.
The next daily kind of tradition that I thought was beautiful was the teaching of spending time w/ God in His Word each day. I have heard several teachers say this...from Andy Stanley, to Reggie Joiner that you can't wait until they are teens to teach them about a daily time with God in His Word. Mrs Piper says the same kind of thing later in Chapter 5 - "Why would we wait to train up our children in this essential discipline? ...When we train our children in godly patterns,godly traditions, we're helping them get ready to move with responsibility into adulthood." Amen. She described how her children before they could read would have time listening to God's word for about 15 min a day...as they grew older it would turn into reading and journaling once they could write. I began to think about this process of training up my children in the way that they should go...how could I do this. I loved Mrs. Piper's way of using audio Cd's for her children before they could read. I thought this would be a great addition to our library of listening.
I found on line "The Word & Song Children's Bible" created by Stephen Elkins of Wonder Workshop. It is 5 CD's of the whole bible w/ over like 100 songs that go w/ the stories. Now as an actor, I would say that I often think "I could get together some AMAZING talent and rerecord these so much more believable and just better"...one thing at a time...maybe sometime later that will happen. But, if you can get over a bit of the cheese sometimes this has been an amazing tool in our home. I started w/ it in the car while we would be driving...but they wanted to listen to them in the house too...so now that's how we start our day at breakfast. I put in one of the cd's and it is playing during breakfast and that early morning playtime that all happens right there at your feet. Questions get asked, songs are sung...and honestly I find myself when they have journeyed from the room being challenged w/ the amazing obedience of Abraham as he is about to sacrifice his son and I wonder Lord am I that obedient? So I am learning again right along side my kiddos.
This has been an amazing tool that I have loved incorporating into our daily routine. I am thankful for Noel Piper saying some unusual things in our culture. Oh may my family be unusual.

*(The picture posted here is Caroline falling asleep at night reading her bible. I used to think that falling asleep reading my bible was a bad thing...somehow irreverent to God. The more I think about this photo I think...what a great way to fall asleep. Perhaps that is the way to go instead of "Friends", or "Will and Grace" reruns.)

Change is Hard

I do not like change that I haven't created. Does that make sense? For instance...I like to make lists. I like to cross things off my list. If I do something during the day that isn't on my list I like to add it and then cross it off! I am pretty sure this is a sickness of some kind. Again, mom would say it goes back to the way I was potty trained-Ha! If I decide something in the "order" of my day needs to change then I am cool with it b/c I am the one changing it...however, if Jason changes it that totally throws me for a loop. I usually have to think it through-give me a couple minutes-is what I say to Jason, and then I can change. I wish I was more flexible. Nothing rattles Jason. It seems. He just goes w/ it. His "list" is always changing and he is so okay with that. I am thankful we are different from one another...we balance each other.
I was thinking about this today as I was watching Hope. She will be 8 months on Wednesday...amazing. She has two teeth, is crawling pretty good, and has just pulled up in her crib two times in the last couple of days. Yet as I watch her she just gets so mad sometimes at the changes surrounding her. She will yell,almost growl...she is expressing what I wish I still could. I have learned not to growl at Jason. Most days! Ha! Back to Hope...she gets so frustrated with not feeling like she can do the new thing...then she gets up the courage to crawl, or pull up and the joy I see on her face is priceless. She just needed that little ummmfff to do it.
Perhaps I can remember that when the Lord is asking for a change in me. I feel that kind of angst as well. When there is a change that I notice needs to happen, I think I am okay with that. But when I feel the Holy Spirit impressing something on my heart that needs to change...I just want to growl. Oh Lord, let me see change as a good thing. Let me be like clay instead of an immoveable stone. Give me joy in the process. Give me a heart that moves. I think for my children to see the balance of managing your day your tasks, but being willing for change in the midst of it will serve them well in their lives, their marriages...the peace I think Christ intended for our hearts. Help me to be moveable Lord! Amen.

Teaching to Remember and Celebrate

Today was a special day for me. We took gifts down to Scottish Rite Children's Hospital here in Atlanta GA in honor of Wyatt. See just 3 years ago (wow!) Wyatt was rushed to the hospital at just 19 days old on Dec. 24, 2008 for RSV. What we thought would be just a couple of days turned into 9...we left Jan. 1, 2009. We had the best care physically and emotionally while there. On Christmas day there were volunteers who arrived to give our sweet new born Christmas gifts...when they saw that Caroline was there they brought in gifts for her as well. We were amazed how people were so selflessly giving up their time w/ family to make sure our family was cared for.
So we have decided that each Christmas we will take gifts down to the hospital and ask that it be given to an infant on the respiratory wing. It is a precious day of remembering for me. Remembering what a crazy time of utter dependance on the Lord that was for me. It was a very small room, a tiny little window, and a really sick little baby boy. I barely could leave his side. People kept telling me that they thought I should just go home and sleep at least one night there. But I was the milk supply. And honestly, when he nursed that was the only non-medical kind of touching he got...nothing plastic, nothing beeping...just momma. I couldn't leave. Caroline would come for a visit each day (my mom would bring her and would always have her dressed up, with her hair fixed so cute) - I would totally loose it when I saw Caroline b/c I was also her mom and I missed her like crazy. I am sure I was struggling w/ some baby blues...I just would cry. When he would have his respiratory therapy I would have to hold his head and arms still and I would just sing over him while they did the treatments. Sleep was little. He also had one of the worst diaper rashes that the docs had ever seen. People had to put on masks when they came in his room. It was hard. We celebrated Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve and Day there. It was a long 9 days...but it was a time of trusting others, gratefulness for my mom being here to take Caroline, Doctors, nurses...all were caring for us without knowing us...amazing.
So each year, as the kids get older we talk a little bit more about why we go and do this. That it is important to remember how other people have cared for you-to celebrate that, to remember it...and to then turn around and care for someone else...because as I type this I am quite certain there is probably an infant in the respiratory wing with a momma thinking, I can't leave to go buy gifts I have to stay by his side. I pray those little things we left will be a reminder to that family that they are loved without being known...just like we were.

You are Lovely - Part 2

This post is a bit difficult to write. I feel very vulnerable sharing this, talking about this subject...but it is a real thing in a woman's heart, life...and so I think this will resonate with many women out there.
It doesn't seem to matter whether you are a size 4 or 14 we all look at our bodies and struggle with what they look like. I can rationally say, I know I am 36, I have had 3 babies...my body is going to look different and feel different than it did at 26. But at 26 I looked at my body and didn't like all that I saw there either. I believe I have allowed Satan to twist body image consumption into something quite ugly. I struggle with knowing the balance between healthy exercise, eating right (and normal), and being a size that I feel good about. I kind of wish we didn't have mirrors. I don't get weird about my size until I see a picture, or walk by a window, or a mirror...I share all of this b/c about a year and a half ago the Lord laid something on my heart about this subject that I believe was a marker in my life that I need to revisit...so if you'll indulge me. Perhaps my marker will be an encouragement to you.

It began in the spring of 2010. I was hoping and praying about a 3rd child. I had mentioned it to Jason and he wasn't ready yet. Then one morning before he left for work he put his hands on either side of my face and said he was ready to have another child. He knew God had made me to be a mother, he knew what joy it brought me and that he felt I was gifted at it. He said, how could I deny you this. I was crying, so excited and humbled that my husband saw this great desire in my heart for more children and saw it as a good thing. So we began trying. I was still carrying around about 10-12 lbs from the birth of my 2nd child and had been trying to get that last little bit off. I as struggling with feeling like I had been working hard to exercise and eat pretty good...but it still wasn't coming off. I was very frustrated. I hated how I looked in the mirror...how I must look to Jason. I couldn't imagine if I didn't like what I looked like in the mirror - how would Jason. (This is something I am still learning about...Jason loves me for me...and he is slowly convincing me that he loves my curves). We were on our family vacation at the beach (ya'll here in the south and your beach vacations where all you do is show skin and be hot is a new one for this mid west girl who was used to Colorado mountain vacations -being chilly and throwing on a sweatshirt) and I had decided to exercise out on the beach each morning while we were there. This next portion is straight from my journal that day...

August 19, 2010
While exercising this am on the beach (it was hard) I felt like the Lord spoke to my heart about my body/appearance and children. It went something like this:
me: Man this is beautiful Lord. Your creation is breathtaking.
God: You are even more beautiful.
Me: Really Lord? Look at that.
God: You are my prized creation. The most amazing of all my creations. Man was/is my most beautiful. Remember the miracle of you every time you look at Caroline and Wyatt. Remember the miracle of my creation. I will give you one and then another. Remember that while your body changes.

Fast forward to August 30, 2010 entry
We are pregnant! I found out yesterday morning.

I share this, and remind myself at the same time. God thinks I am beautiful. He has given me children to remind me that mankind is his most beautiful/precious creation. My prayer today is this: Lord, please help me to have a balanced view of being healthy. Remembering that you have given me this body, it is your temple...I see it in my children. Help me to instill in our kids an appreciation for how you have made each of us. Let me not get bogged down in the worlds view of mankind...but your view. Loveliness.

God's Consequences

I think that often times I forget just how BIG our God is! I forget that He really has everything under control. He is not surprised by anything that happens in our life. I forget. Which is why retelling stories in our lives are important. Often like in the Old Testament when they would put up altars as reminders to God's provision or leading. It served as a marker, and opportunity to tell the next generation about God's love for His people and how he has taken care of them.
So today I retell a story for my memory, and my kids.

I had been working at Buckhead Church for 4 years and we were pregnant w/ our first child Caroline. I think I knew before I was even married that once I had children I wanted to be at home with them. Jason knew this desire, but it scared the heck out of him financially. If I left full time work, then we would loose over half of our families income. I think as soon as we found out in late July that we were pregnant, I wanted to decide right then if I was staying home or not. Jason, couldn't talk about that possibility yet, and said we would talk about it in January. January!? Ok...submit to him on this. No problem.

So I began praying about and thinking about how could I possibly leave KidStuf. Leave the stage again...yet I knew in my heart I was supposed to be home with Caroline. In mid November we had a conference at our church called Drive. I was at the back of the auditorium listening to Charles Stanley in one of the main sessions. What I heard him say has stuck with me since then as a reminder about God's leadership. He said, if God is asking you to be obedient with something, he is assuming the responsibility of the consequences of what he is asking of you. Well...there you have it. If God was asking me to stay home, then he was assuming the responsibility that our income would decrease by more than half. He would not let us loose our home, or food. We might have to adjust some things (a lot of things) - but He - the God of the universe was taking on those consequences...not me. That was so freeing to me. Now fast forward to Dec. 31...I have been dying to talk to Jason about all of this, but I had waited. I said...he babe tomorrow is January, so in my mind that means we get to talk about me staying home w/ the baby. The next day came, I brought it up and Jason immediately said No to me staying home. I was crushed. And I got a little feisty.

Let me pause in the story and mention something. I am a strong, opinionated woman. I am a leader and sometimes it is difficult for me to let Jason lead. I pause here to say. I do believe that Jason is the head of our home. But I also believe the Lord has made me a leader. He has made me w/ a brain, and sometimes, there is cause for the wife to lead her husband - respectfully of course. So, I said...

Jason, I will totally submit to you on this if you can tell me you have prayed about this and that this is what you feel the Lord has said is best for our family. He paused and said he hadn't prayed at all about it. I asked him if he would please take the next few days and pray about it and then could we talk again. He said yes. Two days later he came back to me and said that I was supposed to stay home. He wasn't sure how all the numbers would work. None of it made sense on paper...but somehow I was supposed to stay home.
Jason was right. It didn't and never has worked on paper. But I look back over the past 4.5 years and I see how the Lord has assumed the consequences of me staying home. There has been steady contract work for me to do to bring home some extra money. And this past year Jason got a promotion. I am blown away by God's bountiful blessing.

So here is my marker for this kids. God asked your daddy and I to be obedient. This is what was right for our family. Obedience to authority is hard at 2,5 and 30. But God's bountiful blessing is just on the other side of Jordan.

What are your markers that you need to make sure you tell your kids about...and tell them often. God loves. God provides. God leads. Will I accept, receive, and follow? Will you?

You are Lovely

I have been reading the book "Bringing Up Girls" by James Dobson recently and have been blown away by all that I learned-scared the bejezus out of me! But toward the end there is this part I wanted to share and then expound on...from Chapter 22

"We have all heard it said that a woman is most beautiful when she is in love. It's true. You've seen it yourself. When a woman knows that she is loved and loved deeply,she glows from the inside. This radiance stems from a heart that has had it's deepest question answered. 'Am I lovely? Am I worth fighting for? Have I been and will I continue to be romanced?' When these questions are answered, Yes, a restful quiet spirit settles in a woman's heart. And every woman can have these questions answered, Yes. You have been and will continue to be romanced all your life. Yes. Our God finds you lovely."

When I read that today I began to cry. I have known this for a long time...but still reading it, knowing He thinks I am lovely...takes my breath away. Then, I pause and think how will I teach this to my girls. By telling them yes...that God made them he finds them beautiful, lovely...Jason and I sharing it with them...but also me believing it - and sharing with them how their Daddy finds me lovely...and how their Daddy finds them lovely.
It all started in the middle of August 2003. I was in the middle of starting the KidStuf program at Buckhead Church (one of NPCC campuses). We were building the set, I needed help so they sent a couple guys to help unload the lumber one day. I met two guys, both cute...but pretty sure they were much younger than me. The one red head needed the work so he kept coming around helping out now with actually building the set. We would talk...we would share about how over the last 12 months our hearts had been shattered and then stomped on by someone we were dating and were fairly certain we would marry...I enjoyed his company...too much. I began praying for him b/c he was in such a time of uncertainty w/ where the Lord wanted to use him in ministry (he had just left a teaching/coaching job to pursue ministry), his heart was broken...he was a wreck...a cute wreck...but a wreck all the same. As I prayed for him I told the Lord (like how I do that - ha) that I didn't need any more guy friends and could he just take him out of my life. Fine to have met him and know him, but don't need him around. As we got more and more comfortable with one another - the flirting began - harmless...right...well, when you have had your heart smashed flirting hurts. I didn't want another friend. However, as I prayed for him I felt like the Lord just kept saying over and over - Be his friend. AHHHH! Really Lord? So I would listen to him as he needed to talk about "her"...his heart. It was very difficult to watch him heal. Towards the end of September. September 25, 2003 actually he was at church helping w/ some things on the set, not quite sure how it happened but a bet was placed- I lost which meant I owed him dinner. So I invited him to my apartment for dinner that night! What!? He came. He stayed until 2am and we laughed. At the end of the night he thanked me for helping him laugh again. We began talking on the phone - spending more and more time together. I kept praying - Lord I don't need another friend. The Lord kept saying - Be his friend. See, here is where I deviated from what I had done in the past. I began to feel things for this man, that I didn't want to feel. When I began to feel these things in the past I just ran with it. No stopping me...but this time I asked the Lord's permission. I wanted to love him. This time I asked the Lord and he said - No. Be his friend. Really, but he just kissed me. My heart is falling for him...I would listen to him. I would encourage him. I would laugh, and flirt...and be his friend. Every month or so I would visit that question again with the Lord and he kept saying - Be his friend. Be his friend. But then, after Christmas something happened in his heart. He began to allow himself to love again. As he handed me a gift he told me "Thank you for teaching me how to love." Woah. So he actually began pursuing me. Telling me I was beautiful. Complementing my heart, my character...and then one night at 7:22 in the middle of worshiping beside him, I asked the Lord again...When do I get to love him? The answer -NOW! Oh my heart beamed. It shone. I wanted to grab him and tell him what the Lord had said to my heart...that would've been a bit much. But I knew, then...that I had gotten the Lord's blessing - not my own construed idea of love or who I should love - but the Lord's idea of it...so I began to love Jason with all of my heart. We were engaged on April 21, and then married September 25, 2004 - 12 months exactly after our first night hanging out.
I share this story, one because I love it! But mostly b/c this kind of story is what the Lord intended all along for me. It was when I stepped out of his boundaries that my heart got smashed. I don't know why it never dawned on me to ask the Lord's permission to fall in love before. I knew He believed me to be beautiful - to be lovely....but I wonder if I believed it. Because a woman who knows-trusts-believes she is beautiful to the Father will I think - wait to believe she is beautiful from a man. So, I think it is important for Jason and I to show them-tell them our love story. For us to tell them about the Lord's love of them. But my prayers need to change for their "special man" (that's what we call him) ...our prayers need to be that they will believe they are lovely to the Lord. Help me Lord, to honestly show our children what it is to love a spouse. To love you and be loved in return.

Saying Yes Part 2

So there is another part to this story. My move to Atlanta. I had been working in Kansas City for a couple of years and just was hating it. I wasn't being fed spiritually, I was single...I needed a change. I had a friend who lived in Chicago. Her dad is the pastor of a large church up there and she asked me to come to Chicago and check things out, interview, audition etc to perhaps be a part of their team. I spent 5 days in interviews and auditions and was totally out of my element. I would have thought it would be an easy fit, but it just wasn't. I came home, at a loss for where the Lord might bring me. My brother and his family were living in Atlanta at the time and attending a church called North Point Community Church. Darren asked me to come check it out for longer than a weekend and see what I thought. I came and didn't expect the Lord to speak to my heart the way he did.
First I attended Sunday morning w/ him and his family. Before I had just thought it was way too big...I mean how can anyone connect there. But then I sat in and listened to what the Lord said through Andy Stanley that morning...it was about Peter and the Lord calling him to come walk out on the water to Him. I had heard this story a million times...yet this time it hit a different chord with me. The deal was Peter already knew how to walk. He needed to leave the walking on water to the Lord. Just do what he knew how to, which was swinging his legs over the boat, standing up, and walking...let the Lord do the miraculous stuff. Oh my goodness...I knew how to swing my legs over, I knew how to stand up, and I knew how to walk...I needed to leave the miracle to Him.
Then two days later I attended 7:22 (a ministry at the time for young adults led by Louie Giglio)...I was thinking a few hundred people maybe...when I walked in what I saw was thousands of like minded young adults worshiping! I was blown away. Was it really possible to have this kind of community? I had nothing like this in KC. I knew I was supposed to move to Atlanta.
When I arrived home in Kansas, I still remember sitting out on my parents patio, eating dinner and sharing about the trip to Atlanta. I shared what I felt like the Lord was asking of me, and then I asked for my dad's blessing. This may sound weird, but I felt that since I was still single I was under my dad's authority and wanted to have his blessing to move half way across the country. With tears in his eyes, he said of course we give you our blessing. It's so far away, but we trust that you have heard from the Lord. So, in just 3 short months I would move to Atlanta. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I "told the Lord" (ha!) that I would give Him 2 years...and then I was going home - to Kansas. Isn't it funny how we actually give the Lord a timeline! Ha! So much would happen in those next two years...I would struggle w/ depression, work several jobs I hated, have doors open at North Point for me to work there (this story later), and I would meet my husband to be right at the 2 year mark. I love the Lord's sense of humor.
Even today I think there are things that I give the Lord a time line on. Or things that I try to control the "miracle"...I try to do it all. Even as I type this I realize that control is something He has been trying to get me to let go of all along. Yet, there is a balance...someone has to be in charge here at the house. Someone has to take control...yet...Satan is a crafty liar. He likes to twist or pervert beautiful things into ugly things and make us think they are still beautiful. For instance, I score very high on aptitude tests in the persuasiveness category (I just reread that and it sounded like I was saying I have a high IQ ha). Being persuasive isn't necessarily a bad thing...but when Satan twists that it is manipulation. I don't ever want to allow the way the Lord made me to be twisted.
The take away for me today is that my children will learn from me how to relinquish control back to the Father. I need them to hear me asking the Lord for help, wisdom, discernment, to need the Lord...They will learn from us how to swing their legs over the side of the boat, stand up, and walk. So in the uncertainty of each day...I must just do what I know how to do, and trust the Lord that He will show up and actually make my feet firm on the water.

Saying Yes

Today's post is a bit different. I thought there might be some of you out there reading who don't know me and have never met me. Perhaps we've met but you may not know some things about my heart and how the Lord has shaped me. So...if you'll allow I thought I would share a snippet of my story. This moment has shaped me...enjoy...

It was my junior year of college. I was studying theater at Texas Christian University, and was loving every minute. Since before I can remember I was going to go to Broadway and "make it." I was being trained in college to be a professional actor/singer/dancer. TCU had invested lots of money in me, and my parents had invested lots of money in this notion as well. I was beginning to think of masters programs - Cal Arts, Yale, etc of where to go for additional training...
I came home and my high school choir teacher had asked some of us to come back to her class while we were home on Christmas break to sing for her class. Kind of a "look you can keep singing even after high school" kind of a thing. So I had already sung and was listening to another girl sing who had come back also. She was great. It had been a few years since I had heard her. I thought "she's going to make it"...(side note...she did) and literally as I am having the thought that she was going to make it I had one of the most intimate moments w/ the Lord that I have ever had. I felt like the Lord was saying to my heart "Will you give it up for me?" I thought "ummmmm huh?" "Will you give it up for me?" Well, when the Father asks something of you...you say yes. You submit. His authority over my dreams. I couldn't believe He was asking that. Of course Lord...but THIS...Broadway...the stage...I shared with my parents over that winter break and I am so thankful that they too love the Lord b/c as they were heart broken for me...wondering if I would ever be back on stage again after college...they trusted the Lord even when it didn't make sense.
Now fast forward to the end of that spring semester. It is finals week and I am doing my jury for the theater faculty (a jury is like a really intense audition...you sing, and or do monologues and the faculty kind of decides your fate and if they think you should continue on in the program etc. So I complete my jury and they immediately begin talking to me about what masters programs I should begin looking into and begin thinking about auditions for those programs. I stopped them...took a deep breath, and then began to tell them that I felt like I wasn't to go into professional theater but rather that I was supposed to work with kids in probably a ministry setting. I paused, and was anticipating a verbal thrashing b/c of the scholarship money they had invested in my training etc....but the rough around the edges costume designer said, with tears coming down her face "Oh Allison how could we ever say that working with kids wasn't a worthy profession. That's what we do." The grace of God in that moment was amazing. So after graduation I walked away from the stage and began pursuing ministry full time. Then if you know anything about my journey here in Atlanta you know the Lord asked me back to the stage again to direct KidStuf! That story will come another time.
The part of this story that I think that is critical and applicable to us as parents with our children is this. I said yes to the Lord when everything in my being wanted to shout no and run the other way. Here's the take away for me...my parents at a very young age taught me about submission to authority. As a little one I had to learn submission to my parents before I could ever learn submission to the Father. That is hard for me to remember sometimes as I am in the midst of a melt down w/ a child, or they are screaming at me...yelling no at me...no I must teach them to be submissive to mommy b/c someday...the Lord may ask them to be submissive to His authority so He might have an opportunity to bring them to a place to unite them w/ HIS plan not our own!
Thanks mom and dad for spending a LOT of time teaching this one what it meant to submit. I love you for it!

Traditions

Because I am attempting to be honest here...before I delve into the thought of traditions I must share that sweet Wyatt has requested the pull-up the last two days and has wanted nothing to do with the Potty. Ahh this too shall pass. Now onto what I really wanted to share today.
Traditions. I love them...I grew up having traditions for so many different things. But most of the traditions I can tell you about encompass a holiday, and most of those Christmas. We woke up about 3am each year, would have to wait upstairs calling our parents names until them came up there. We would have the talk about what Christmas is REALLY about - pray - and then dad would go down the stairs to get the camera and Darren and I would journey down the stairs hand in hand to the tree. There was always one present unwrapped under the tree (I can still see Donna Elberta my Cabbage Patch doll sitting there). The last gift was always a scavenger hunt present and my brother would with out fail trip me as I was running around the house following my clues to the present so he could get there first. We had a tradition with my grandparents called Speak your Peace (this was a tradition my grandfather did with his grandparents). Each grand child was required to prepare something to present in front of the family. Usually it was reciting a portion of scripture, perhaps playing an instrument, singing, or writing something that would be shared. This was then followed by Christmas carol singing and the last one was always Silent Night...I can still see PePaw in the side chair, his eyes closed singing it in German. Speak your Peace was a huge tradition for us. Less emotional traditions: the day the potatoes were dug up from the garden you have to make mashed potatoes...they will never be as good as the day they come out of the ground. There was the tradition of home made ice-cream on the 4th of July. Certain foods at Easter, Christmas, & always a home made birthday cake. Traditions of dad probably once a year leading our family in communion at home. A tradition of my parents tucking me in bed each night and praying over me (even as a teen and a young adult home from college)...the tradition of seeing my parents individually study scripture...prayer before meals...ahhh and the after meal games at large family gatherings. The tradition of simple words of I love you permeating most conversations throughout...tradition lives in the Unruh (my maiden name) way of doing things...
So as a young wife/mom I was riddled with how do I bring some of those things into our home? I think I was under the notion that traditions only encompass those big holidays like we are in now. But I want to share a book that I have fallen in love with that speaks to all different kinds of traditions, "Everyday" and "Especially" traditions. I was given this book 2-3 years ago by my sister in law and have loved reading it and finding some of those nuggets that I could implement into our home as our everyday and especially traditions. A must read is "Treasuring God in our Traditions" by Noel Piper (John Piper's wife). Mrs. Piper says that "Traditions are a vital way of displaying our greatest treasure, of showing what-Who-is most important to us." So what do my traditions say about what-who-is most important to us? What a great question to ask. I found it easiest to figure out the especially traditions - those special holiday kind of things we wanted to do. But the everyday traditions of Christ's word being spoken in our home, prayer etc. seemed a bit more challenging to make such a big deal ... not such a big deal if that makes any sense. I wanted hearing and reading scripture to be what you do...not on just special occasions but through out our day. Finding ways to make Christ our tradition no matter the day is the key.
I need to read this book again now as my kids are two years older...some of those everyday traditions that seemed "too old" might work now...think out of the box...ask your husband if there are traditions from his growing up that he wished were incorporated into your home...note to self...ask Jason...
I want to close with a poem from this book "Treasuring God in our Traditions" b/c it has been an inspiration to me since I first read it. John Piper actually wrote it in honor of Noel's father passing away. It is long so I am just sharing the 2nd stanza b/c it speaks to my soul...about the kind of tradition and legacy I hope my branches leave.
"In Memory of Dr. George Henry Reflections on Psalm 1 and Joshua 24:15

But there was shade, especially when
The tree was old: the leaves were thick
With life, and though the root was sick,
The bark deep-creased with age, the limbs
Were laden down with love, and hymns
Were heard beneath when wind bestirred
The bowing branches with the Word
Of heav'n. O there were years of shade!"

We must find our own traditions so that our limbs might produce shelter, protection, hope, sweet sounding hymns to many a generation...shade...hmmm sweet.

Intentional Time

As I was praying about this blog and how/when/what it should be I wondered about the name. Honestly it didn't take much time. See...this is what my mom often asked of me in the car, "A penny for your thoughts?" Honestly, as I grew older it used to drive me crazy. I didn't want to talk, I would often times just say "Fine" in response...but then she would let the air breathe and I would begin to share. This all could happen because as a little one, mom asked the same question, "A penny for your thoughts?" and I was like a little bubbling brook with so many things to tell her. For instance: I was sure that if I just sang loud enough while playing outside a big time producer in New York City would hear me and ask me to be the next Annie on Broadway. Or, that did you notice if you stare at the water on the window when it rains and we are driving it looks like the rain is dancing. Or, that my heart was broken again by kids making fun of me on the playground. Or....see as a little one there wasn't any need for a filter with mom...we just talked, but because she set the foundation in the early years as I grew older it wasn't an unusual question to hear.
It was all about her being/choosing to be intentional with her time with us in the car. See, my brother (Darren 3.5 yrs older) and I would spend what felt like countless hours in the car driving to and from all the "stuff" be it: ballet, church, soccer, piano, baseball, grocery stores, movies, malls....etc. We lived at least 30 min from any kind of shopping. We would go in town to get groceries, gas, shop and all activities were in town as well. We can full fill all Kansas stereotypes...I grew up across the street from a dairy farm. We had land, a huge garden, plenty of space to roam...but really far from "life" so we drove...and mom decided to be intentional. With my brother he is a brain. She would throw math equations to him and have him solve them in his head. With me that's where she taught me how to sing, and how to pray. The car with mom holds a VERY special place in my heart. I am actually tearing up as I type this.
What incredible lessons she taught me...to sing and to pray. To be vulnerable. To ask questions. She was willing through all of her fatigue of being a mom with kids to be intentional w/ the hour + time we would have in the car most days. I am sad to say I hardly think I am this intentional. Am I asking simple questions of my little ones now to pave the way for those harder questions later when I would ask my mom - "Why is it I am the only one choosing to be a virgin?" "Why is it all of my friends are drinking." "Why don't any boys want to date me" (as I had one guy in high school tell me if I would just learn how to party he would love to date me)...
I don't know that mom asked every day. I don't know that she was intentional every moment. But it was enough that I remember. It allowed me to ask those questions in a safe environment all because mom asked me..."A penny for your thoughts."
So my challenge to myself is to be intentional. Whether its in the car (I know I have time there) or at bed time (I know I have time...but I am tired and I want time for me...)....yet this is such a small short season...I am doing a good work and I can not come down from it! So perhaps I need to begin asking Caroline and Wyatt (Hope will get there soon)...A penny for your thoughts?

Clearly Seeing Your Kids-Potty Training

I am so fortunate to have a woman in my life who has a mom's bible study group that meets every other week. Her name is Karen Stubbs, mother of 4, and she has begun a ministry for moms called Birds on a Wire - The Balanced Life of Motherhood (www.birdsonawiremoms.com). It has been such a wonderful resource of help, encouragement, practical advice, and often times a swift kick in the butt.
I tell you all of that because about a month or so ago Karen talked about seeing our children clearly. Recognizing that you may have a child that has some anger issues for example, and then addressing that issue. Oftentimes our husbands will see the issue before us b/c we are around them so much. I am not sure if you are like me or not, but sometimes hearing things from Jason about our kids is difficult for me...b/c I am with them always, I should be the one to see and know things about them better than anyone else. Listen to your husbands wives...they are fresh eyes into our worlds.
So after Karen challenged us to see our kids clearly, I just began praying that over the next few days that the Lord would open my eyes to each of my kids individuality so I could help them, and the Lord could use me to shape them for their lives. If you do this...you'll see then that those heart issues that they struggle with at 3,4, 5 etc...will probably be heart issues they struggle w/ as adults, so we must intercept it now and not wait to address anger, or lack of submission to authority, or whines, or lying etc. when they are teenagers.
Here was my practical seeing my child where he was at in this season of his life issue. Potty training. AHHHHHH!!! Potty training...I am fairly certain I have messed Caroline up for life b/c of how I potty trained her - ha (side note...my mom does say tongue in cheek that most issues probably go back to how kids were potty trained- ha). I was going to do it differently this time. We began in July...I had a great perspective. I looked for little improvements every day fully knowing accidents would happen. Well....fast forward now to late October and sweet Wyatt was worse now than he was in July. He was angry, he was defiant, he did NOT want to go on the potty. We were at odds with each other. I was not finding it joyful being his mommy. Then I hear Karen's challenge of seeing our kids clearly - and while this totally pertains to heart issues...I think it also pertains to developmental issues as well. So, I stopped. I personally felt like a failure. That my friends is a lie, but it was still how I felt. I wondered if the next day when I said absolutely nothing about the potty how things would be - it was WONDERFUL, and he was wet and dirty and didn't care! We liked each other again. I changed my expectations. I saw him clearly where he was. So, we went back to diapers (he cried and said they were for babies...but then was just fine with it), then pull ups...and today Lo and Behold!!! He ASKED for his underwear and as I type this has been dry and clean all day!!!
My take away...to continue to ask the Lord (why do I forget this) to see my children clearly. In each season, phase, grade level and hormone filled life...to ask HIM! He knows them and loves them more than I do. So, today ask the Lord to help you see your little ones or not so little ones clearly. Ask HIM for help in knowing how to shape those heart and developmental issues. He will answer. He says in James when we ask for wisdom he gives it! Go and clearly see your child! You are doing a good work and you can not come down from it!

A Grateful Heart

On Monday we celebrated Wyatt's 3rd Birthday! What really? He was induced 3 weeks early b/c of low fluid levels. Spent 5 days in NICU. Home 2 weeks then to Scottish Rite Children's hospital on Christmas Eve for 9 days for RSV. Now He is 3. All boy! I mean ALL! We have taken a hiatus from potty training b/c neither of us were fairing very well...more on that another time. But on Monday we celebrated his birth. I watched something in this little boy that made my heart spring anew. A grateful heart. It was beautiful. With every gift he said, "Thanks mom for my ____." As the day progressed he would come back around and say "Thanks mom for ____." It was constant, it was all day, it was breathtaking.
I am thankful that I was raised in a home where thankfulness was expressed almost for everything. Everything was cheered on...walking in the door from school (insert cheer), eating your dinner (insert cheer), going to the bathroom (insert cheer), skinning your knee...well maybe don't insert cheer but insert compassion....everything was noted and being thankful was shown to me and infiltrated my heart as well. Jason (my man) will tell you that in the beginning of our marriage it threw him a little as I would tell him thank you for just about anything he did around the house. I was/am thankful. Now this is where my mom would begin singing "It's so nice to have a man around the house." I too have sung this to Jason!
I share this b/c as I think that thankfulness is in us...it is also taught. Not all receive the lesson and then let it permeate...but I can think of worse things for my children to pick up on in our home...a grateful heart is definitely one I would choose for them over my struggle w/ perfectionism.
So Wyatt my love...I pray that 3 x 3 x 3 years from now you will still be grateful for all that the Lord has laid in your path.

New Words

A new season is in my heart. For awhile the I have felt like I was supposed to begin writing down my journey as a mom more faithfully. I had a blog before (Hodge Blogs) that began w/ the birth of our first child Caroline. I stopped ... not sure why...not sure anyone wanted to read another blog. I have been so reluctant to write this stuff down for others to see...but just when I least expect it someone says, "You should write a blog." or "You should write a book." Seriously people, I will sadly disappoint Mrs. Katstra (my high school honors English teacher) with my grammatical and spelling errors. I didn't and don't want to be just another "blogger"...that said...I believe the Lord has something to say to me...to you - reader - about Him, about our children, our husbands, our families and how He might wish for us to do all of those things in a manner than Honors him.
So I am not sure where these posts will take me...you...but I will share what's in my heart about this journey. This isn't a place for me to say this is the "only way" to do things...this is just our way. My three kids, Caroline (4), Wyatt (3), and Hope (7 months) will be the center of most of the posts. Their joy, angst, energy, tough questions. All of it. Enjoy. Be encouraged. You are doing and good work and you can not come down from it!