This post is a bit difficult to write. I feel very vulnerable sharing this, talking about this subject...but it is a real thing in a woman's heart, life...and so I think this will resonate with many women out there.
It doesn't seem to matter whether you are a size 4 or 14 we all look at our bodies and struggle with what they look like. I can rationally say, I know I am 36, I have had 3 babies...my body is going to look different and feel different than it did at 26. But at 26 I looked at my body and didn't like all that I saw there either. I believe I have allowed Satan to twist body image consumption into something quite ugly. I struggle with knowing the balance between healthy exercise, eating right (and normal), and being a size that I feel good about. I kind of wish we didn't have mirrors. I don't get weird about my size until I see a picture, or walk by a window, or a mirror...I share all of this b/c about a year and a half ago the Lord laid something on my heart about this subject that I believe was a marker in my life that I need to revisit...so if you'll indulge me. Perhaps my marker will be an encouragement to you.
It began in the spring of 2010. I was hoping and praying about a 3rd child. I had mentioned it to Jason and he wasn't ready yet. Then one morning before he left for work he put his hands on either side of my face and said he was ready to have another child. He knew God had made me to be a mother, he knew what joy it brought me and that he felt I was gifted at it. He said, how could I deny you this. I was crying, so excited and humbled that my husband saw this great desire in my heart for more children and saw it as a good thing. So we began trying. I was still carrying around about 10-12 lbs from the birth of my 2nd child and had been trying to get that last little bit off. I as struggling with feeling like I had been working hard to exercise and eat pretty good...but it still wasn't coming off. I was very frustrated. I hated how I looked in the mirror...how I must look to Jason. I couldn't imagine if I didn't like what I looked like in the mirror - how would Jason. (This is something I am still learning about...Jason loves me for me...and he is slowly convincing me that he loves my curves). We were on our family vacation at the beach (ya'll here in the south and your beach vacations where all you do is show skin and be hot is a new one for this mid west girl who was used to Colorado mountain vacations -being chilly and throwing on a sweatshirt) and I had decided to exercise out on the beach each morning while we were there. This next portion is straight from my journal that day...
August 19, 2010
While exercising this am on the beach (it was hard) I felt like the Lord spoke to my heart about my body/appearance and children. It went something like this:
me: Man this is beautiful Lord. Your creation is breathtaking.
God: You are even more beautiful.
Me: Really Lord? Look at that.
God: You are my prized creation. The most amazing of all my creations. Man was/is my most beautiful. Remember the miracle of you every time you look at Caroline and Wyatt. Remember the miracle of my creation. I will give you one and then another. Remember that while your body changes.
Fast forward to August 30, 2010 entry
We are pregnant! I found out yesterday morning.
I share this, and remind myself at the same time. God thinks I am beautiful. He has given me children to remind me that mankind is his most beautiful/precious creation. My prayer today is this: Lord, please help me to have a balanced view of being healthy. Remembering that you have given me this body, it is your temple...I see it in my children. Help me to instill in our kids an appreciation for how you have made each of us. Let me not get bogged down in the worlds view of mankind...but your view. Loveliness.
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