Learning to Host

"Allison it's time to set the table.  Please go get the china, crystal, and silver.  Be careful."

I loved hearing those words from my mom.  It was time to ready our table for guests.  It was time to make it look lovely.  To get those refined things out of cabinets, hutches, and drawers and lay a table.  I would open the doors to the hutch and the wood smelled different when it was open than when it was closed.  It is a smell that still lingers...I think...I would sit there and stare at all of the lovely things that only got to come out on special occasions, and I would imagine what it would be like to lay a table of my own someday.  I would imagine the guests.  The attire.  The food.  How I might do it differently from my mom, but secretly knowing I would try to emulate every last detail like she was teaching me.

See what I learned from my parents is that opening your home to family, friends, and even those you don't know is truly an important thing.  It was a good thing to learn about which silverware to use, and even dare I say stemware.  Mom and dad knew that it honored the Lord to open their table to others.  So we did.  Often.

I remember Thanksgivings with over 40 + people in our home.  Most family.  Some friends.  And usually someone who was alone, and didn't have a place to go found their way to our table.  It felt kind of weird as a kid to have a stranger in our home for such an intimate thing as Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter...but I saw courage in my parents when they did it...I pray that I find that courage as an adult also.

There is a fondness in my heart of laying a table.  Deciding which napkins to use.  How to fold the napkins.  Maybe choosing a way that would surprise my mom and she would think it lovely.  Preparing the butter dishes.  The jelly dishes.  Getting out Granny's cobalt pitcher for water.  Opening the drawer that had the silver all rolled up in towels.  Spreading them out and looking at loveliness.  Maybe talking with Daddy about what music to play on the record player.  Lighting candles.  Watching mom hand out tasks and responsibilities.  None that at the time I loved to do...or even honestly now love to do...but the result of creating an environment where people feel comfortable, engaged, respected, welcomed...a place that is different from what they experience out "there".

I didn't know when the day would really come for me to host a family dinner in our home.  How old are you when that begins to shift to the next generation?  I didn't know.  And somehow it fell into our laps this year.  We welcomed it.  And watching Caroline...it all came back about why it is so important to do this.  I need to teach her, Wyatt and Hope about what it means to host.  About what it means to welcome others into your home and to put your best that you have before them.  To do it with excellence.

What a privilege it was to have my mom go with me to choose the table decorations.  To buy placemats, and napkins...to think through how many table servings I have...to think through details of where children would eat and feel a welcomed part of the table.  Because see I grew up learning (that is an important word) about what it was to listen to the patriarch of the family talk....and talk...and talk.  But I heard those stories, or talk of politics, religion etc and I learned what it was to sit at a table and talk.  We couldn't get down as soon as we were finished...we learned to listen.  I learned at an early age how to eat off of china, use silver, and by gosh use stemware.  So...I set a table for children to be mixed in with adults and to hear the conversation that comes from the aged.  I sat children at tables with adults to learn what it is to listen and to use lovely things...special things...

Last night as Jason's family...now mine...gathered in our home I was so excited to have them in our home.  I felt as calm as I ever have hosting them.  This isn't my normal temperment when hosting...I am usually freaking out...maybe it was having mom there.  Telling me all along that she was loving watching me be a woman.  Wow...to hear those words...amazing what that does to your heart.  To have your parents approval even as an adult.  Very important.  But Jason's family gathered in...I felt I was able to give out tasks to the other ladies as I needed help.  I felt like a hostess.  I felt like that part in me as a little girl who dreamed of hosting her own table came to fruition last night.  Even Granny's cobalt water pitcher made an appearance.  A gift, along with the matching water, and wine glasses from my mom to now have in our home as we host family, friend and stranger.

Mom's don't be afraid to ask little hands to carry the china (I am sure I broke some dishes over the years).  Don't be afraid to serve little hands stemware.  I learned to sip at an early age.  Don't be afraid to show little hands how to host...because those little hands will grow...and you will be able to hand them Granny's cobalt water pitcher...and tell them they are a lovely woman.

The Family Room

Since Caroline has gone off to school Wyatt has been left with a less than satisfying playmate (by his standards).  There are moments that he just looses it with Hope.  He can't handle her "playing" with him...she takes his stuff, she intrudes, she sits on him, she is a toddler...all 19 months of her.
I have had many a conversation with him as of late that sound something like this...

Location: Family Room
W: AHHHHHH Hope Elizabeth No ma'am.  (tears - collapse on the floor) You ruined it.  You messed all this up.
Me: Wyatt, stand up.  You can't yell at her like that.  She is just trying to play with you.  Remember she is learning how to play with people.  She doesn't know yet and it's our job, your job, to help teach her.
W:  I don't want to teach her.  I do not want to play with Hope ever again....make her stop.

- after about a million of these conversations where I try to steer him back to her, to engage with her...I had this thought- This is a family room...FAMILY...where a FAMILY gathers together to engage together....so I have begun to say this.

Me: (All the stuff from up above but add) Wyatt, this is our family room where we play together.  If you need to play alone, which is totally fine and I understand needing time by yourself without anyone getting in your stuff or your way, then you can go play upstairs in your room by yourself - just shut the door so Hope can't bother you.  But if you are going to stay down here, then this is a FAMILY area where we are going to play TOGETHER and teach each other how to play.
Wyatt why does she want to play with you?

W: I don't know.

Me:  Because she loves you, and she thinks your ideas are great.  So, show her your plan, your idea...teach her to play your game.

It has worked.  It diffuses him.  He has gone up to his bed room maybe twice...but for the most part he remains and then will engage with Hope again.  Trying to teach her.

Just thought I would share the new thought I have had with regard to our family room.  It is just that.  It is for all of us...a room to BE...a room to grow and learn...scream and recover...a room to be FAMILY...

Arguing

I apologize for my lack of posting...there's been a lot rolling around in this brain of mine.  I am hopeful to figure out a way to put it on paper soon.

I thought today's post might be a helpful thing...so I will share.  Please know that I by no means have this thing called "parenting" figured out...most of this stuff I feel like I stumble upon by chance and then I get surprised that it worked...take what you want from this.

It was a typical day in the life of a Hodges family member.  Various forms of joy and angst were coming and going from any one of the 4 of us that are together most of the day (myself, Caroline, Wyatt and Hope).  I found myself in a conversation with my oldest.  I am sure it involved some request that I was making of her to tidy up...or put something away...or fill in the blank it really could have been anything.  Our conversation turned from one of "hey this is our day this is what I need you to accomplish" to one of back and forth kind of arguing with her about what I wanted done, and her counter with what she wanted done...it truly turned into an arguing kind of debate back and forth.

Then I had this (not sure if you have ever felt like this) kind of "out of body" experience where you see and hear what's happening around you.  You are able to be impartial, able to see what's happening almost feeling like it is all in slow motion too...it was weird.  But as I watched myself arguing with a 5 year old I had this "What are you doing Allison, you are the parent."  So here is what happened next...

All of a sudden I looked at Caroline realizing that I did NOT need to be arguing with her about ANYTHING.  I am cool discussing a different way for things to happen or go...but to blatantly be told NO...isn't going to fly...so I calmly looked at Caroline and said these words, "I don't argue with children."  The craziest thing happened.  She stopped.  She just plain stopped and then did what I had been asking all along.  I couldn't believe it.

Since then I use this phrase often.  I find myself being pulled into a negotiation with a 3 year old and I look at Wyatt and I will say, "I don't argue with children" and he too will stop and do what I have been asking or just stop the whine/arguing with me.  Amazing.

I am the mom.  I am the one the Lord has put in charge of the day to day running and I do not need to be arguing with anyone.  That said...on a slightly humorous side I am not sure what my phrase says...does it say that I do argue with adults....?  HA!

God has asked me to do my best.  To parent with excellence, not perfection...and I believe that choosing not to argue with my children is a step in the correct way.  I think it is a reminder to them that I am in charge, and they are not...and deep down that is a comfort to them.

So...today dear readers...tell them "I don't argue with children."  It's amazing.  Take back your rightful place as the parent.

*This pic from the "booster-thon" at Caroline's school.

Eggs and Breast Milk

Occasionally I think I might have something helpful to share.  Sometimes it is from my heart how the Lord is searching it, stretching it and molding it into something he calls unique.  Sometimes it is what not to do in parenting...or here's how we have tried-failed-tried-failed-tried...ahhh found some results...and sometimes just practical "holy cow who knew" kind of information.  Today is just such a day.  Home remedies at their best.

Let me set the scene for you.

I had just had Hope, our 3rd.  I actually had a fairly good supply of breast milk for once and was so very excited.  Nursing wasn't as difficult the 3rd time around...thank God and things were just trucking right on along.  Well a few weeks in...maybe like 8 ish weeks I noticed one of her eyes looking kind of goopie like "Oh great pink eye."  I took her to the doctor and she thought it was probably just a plugged tear duct and that it would work itself out, but here was some eye drops to do if it didn't get any better, or went to the other eye as well.  And honestly, one of my eyes was kind of getting that pink eye heavy feeling.  So I am sitting there in my full time job of nursing at that point of an infants life, looking at her, in awe of her...and somewhere in the recesses of my brain came something that I had "heard one time."  You know those things that people tell you, and you think is cool, but really how would anyone ever really know.....unless you do it yourself.  So I had heard that putting some of your breast milk in their eyes would heal it right up.  Really?  Breast milk.  So I am staring at her right and running all of those thoughts through my head of...is that gross or really cool?  Is it silly to try?  It can't hurt her, right, I mean I am feeding her with it...let's just say my curiosity got the better of me.  When she was finished I just did a little ol squirt right there in the problem eye...nothing exploded...she didn't wail in agony...I felt kind of like a hippie or something - earth mother-ish...and wouldn't you know I did  it a couple more times and that eye healed right on up.  Guess what else I did?  Yup.  I took a little bit of that excess milk that had been pumped in the freezer...filled up a little syringe that you use to administer meds to your little ones and squirted some of my own milk magic in my own weird eye....yup its true.  It wasn't gross...it wasn't like that Friends episode where Ross won't try the breast milk...it healed my eye right on up too!  Amazing!  Our God is so stinkin' creative and wonderful, and true that he would do that!  I love it.  So... those of you nursing...don't hold back!  Those of you not...so sorry...I do think it'd be weird to ask a nursing mom if you could borrow some of her milk for your bum eye!

Ok...onto the next one.

My parents were here helping us to move into our new home.  Wyatt's lamp had gotten busted in the move, which was really fine I didn't love it.  So we trekked to the all wonderful Target and found the most delightful lamp.  It had an old school wooden red car for the pull down thingy (not sure what that is technically called) and it has a car racing on the shade, but when you turn the light on words appear that say "Champ" and a trophy lights up.  Sweet and precious.  Well, Wyatt just loves it.  That first day all of a sudden I hear him say "Owe my brain hurts my brain hurts."
Pause for a moment.  You know there are parenting moments that you don't know you need to teach about until you are actually in the moment and you need to teach about them.
Well...sweet Wyatt had literally tried to stick his head inside the lamp shade to see the words go on and off as the light went on and off.  But when a light bulb has been on it gets hot...REALLY hot.  That sweet boy had burned himself right in the middle of his forehead.
So here is the home remedy.  Literally earlier that day my mom  and I were talking about the awesomeness of egg whites and what a pure protein they are etc and she began to share with me the story of a man who was having car trouble and had stopped by the side of of a rural road to fix it.  The car actually exploded or something exploded in his face.  A woman who lived on a farm nearby saw this and immediately ran in to get her eggs.  She began to crack them all over his face.  Later the doctors told her that she had saved his face.
So...Wyatt burned a hole in his head (his nickname for the rest of the week became Lightbulb brain) and I said...well go get the eggs...it can't hurt.  We began to dob (is that even a word?) egg whites on that spot several times a day over the next week.  It was amazing.  It never, I mean never blistered up and honestly it should have.  It was a nasty burn.  It scabbed up (we call that a God band-aid) we kept putting on the egg whites...scab fell off about a week later and you can barely tell that anything happened at all!  Again...God is so cool to have put something so easy right in our path for healing.

Isn't that the truth with a lot of the "things" that need healing in our lives.  It's right there.  Sometimes we have to be courageous to try something out of the norm that others might scoff at...sometimes we just need to use what we already have at our disposal but in a little bit different way...sometimes we just need to be willing to see that the Lord chooses to heal us in HIS way...I am thankful for the way he has been healing my heart lately.  Thankful that He chooses to do it!  Thankful that I am letting him.  How are you doing with that dear reader?  Take courage...He desperately loves you!

Pre-K Home Schooling Thoughts

Quickly some updates...
We did indeed move.  I suppose that is why it has been awhile since I posted.  We have been settling in and it has been glorious to be this close to Jason's work.  He even came home for lunch one day.  Amazing!  He says the stress level has shrunk so much just knowing that when he leaves our home he isn't going to go sit in traffic.
Sweet Wyatt has regressed a bit in the potty training...sigh...but alas his little world has been rocked the past month with his buddy going to school and us moving.  Although I will say almost every day he looks at me and says, "Momma, I love our new house."  And when he has an accident and we chat about what to do next time.  As he is running up the stairs to grab a clean pair of underwear I hear him calling down to me saying, "Next time momma, I am going to go on the potty.  I am not gonna let you down."  Sigh.  Precious and distressing all at the same time.  I don't think I have ever told him that it "let's me down" when he doesn't go on the potty...but I am sure my body language communicates such.
Caroline has adjusted so great to her new school.  She is making friends, and we are finding kids in her class that go to our church!  So excited about that.  It has been interested to have her come home with the first PTA fundraiser and it cause the need for a discussion that I didn't know would have to happen between J and I.  Hilarious....really.  Who knew we would have differing opinions on whether or not you participate in the fundraisers.  Ha!
Hope is 16 months and ALL OVER the place!  She is so active...and falling off of and into most anything.  As her world expands I find myself praying this, "Lord as Hope's world and boundaries expands please protect her when I don't know where she is, or can't see the danger in her path."  I pray this often right now.
This past week was pretty emotional for me.  I found myself missing little glory baby often.  It comes out of the blue and surprises me that I will still need to grieve this child.  More on that in another post.  Just updating.

Ok...so moving on to today's post.  I had a good friend ask me to post some of my thoughts and resource ideas on what homeschooling a 3 year old looks like.  Not sure I really know.  Most of it I got from my mom and sister-in-law as Teri (my brother's wife) home schools her 4 kiddos.
I also had the privilege of doing this with a dear friend/neighbor who also had kiddos my kids ages.  So we tackled this together, and actually this fall will be the first I have done it without her.

We set up a schedule and each "class" or segment really only lasted like 20ish min.  Sometimes those 20 felt VERY long and other times they flew.  I think you can put the classes in whatever order you would like, but I think it is important to begin always w/ Bible time.

Here are classes and what they kind of looked like.

Bible time: get creative.  I either read a story from a children's version of the bible and then might have them draw a picture about the story.  I might have them listen to the audio bible we have a draw a picture while listening to it.  Sometimes we would read the story and then assign parts and act it out.  Then we would go over the Catechism.  This was AWESOME!  I watched my sister in law do this with her kids and to hear them recite these truths about God touched my heart so I knew I wanted it in my "curriculum".  We would teach 1-2 of these a week.  After that, then it was memory verse time.  Then share prayer requests and pray as a class.  After that it would be worship time.  This helped get the wiggles out.  We would move from the table to the living room and I would put on something like the "Praise Baby" DVD or some other kids Praise DVD and we would do about 2-3 songs.  This segment of school would last the longest almost taking 25-30 for ALL of this.

Next would be handwriting.  I chose this next mainly b/c it was hard and it would get it out of the way. I use a book called "Handwriting Without Tears".  The first one I use is called "My First School Book" (it is the green one) you can get it from lots of places but on line at www.getsetforschool.com.  I would usually just do 2 pages a day...this made the book last all year b/c I only do this homeschooling w/ a pre-k kids 2 days a week.  For us, Tuesday and Thursday.

After Handwriting was Math time.  At this age it is number recognition, counting, sequences, shapes, colors etc.  There are lots of manipulatives you can use.  I got these small rubber cars/trucks etc and animals.  They come in like 5 different colors.  I could then use these to talk about groups, and sequences of colors or numbers.  You can have flash cards of the numerals and then ask them to put that number of beans or coins on top of the flash card.

After Math was PE.  Time for some more wiggle time.  This would involve learning about kicking a ball, throwing a ball, balancing, hopping on one foot, skipping, marching etc.  We ran a lot of races down the sidewalk!  :)

After PE they would come in for some additional "language arts" time...this was one of those that could be let go if they are just done with school for the day, or you need to get out the door...but basically we talked about rhyming words, and opposites, we would play games and read books.

That's it.  That is our hour and a half to two hours of school time.  I will say it is going to look different this fall because I don't have Shannon to do this with.  Both of us had kids that weren't pre-k age yet and we would tag team them.  So while I was doing handwriting with the older kids, she would have the littler ones upstairs singing songs, reading books, and racing cars.  Then when she did math with the big kids I took the little ones on a walk outside...so I will have some thinking to do about this concerning Hope...but I do know for probably 30-45 min of the time she will be in her pack-n-play having her independent play time again.  She will do bible time with us, then go to the pack-n-play while I am trying to do handwriting and math and then she can come outside with us for PE.  I may save the puzzle, game, opposites stuff for a bit later in the day when she goes down for a nap about an hour before Wyatt does.

You can add other books in there as well for additional book pages to help with everything and just for varying things.  I used a book called BIG Preschool workbook ages 3-5 with both Caroline and Wyatt and it was a good supplemental book as well.

We would also have parties throughout the year for things like Halloween (scandalous I am sure), Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines, St. Patricks, Holy Week to set up Easter.

This always feels daunting to me before we begin...but then when I am in the midst of it with my children I LOVE this time with them.  I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to have this time with Caroline before we sent her out the door to kindergarten this fall.  I am thankful for friends to circle around with me to do this.  I am even thankful for this new season of figuring out how to do this alone in this new season.

Have fun.  Pour into them.  It will be amazing to you that by the end of the year your little 3 year will probably be able to write their names.  Recognize all the letters, and sounds, shapes, and numbers!  This is an awesome time.  Go for it.

I hope this has been helpful.  It has been good to write about this as it gets me excited to get going with Wyatt this Tuesday!  I am doing a good work and I can not come down.  So are you!

Moving on Up...or Over

There are those things that you tuck away in your heart.  There are those dreams that you talk about with your spouse.  There is life change that happens and families adjust.

I remember when we first got married people talked about those big life change things that happen and more than one in a year is quite a bit.  We're talking things like, birth-death-job change-moving...Well in the last 20 months the Hodges (or as close friends like to refer to us as the Hodgi) family will have accomplished all of those things.
1. Jason took a new job at Watermarke Church as SPD director - Jan 2011
2. Hope was born - our 3rd - April 2011
3. Miscarriage of our 4th child - April 2012
4. Moving over to Canton, GA - August 2012

That's right.  We are MOVING!  This has all come about so suddenly.  It was something we have dreamed about since he took the job over there.  He has a 45 min commute one way each day.  That makes for 7.5 HOURS a week he spends driving.  To a job he loves thankfully.  We have also talked about wanting to be a part of that community over there.  That if we are going to invest in this church...we needed to be a part of the community too....

As you know in this housing market that just isn't an easy thing.  So we were waiting...and waiting...and waiting.  We had decided we wouldn't even really discuss it anymore until next spring 2013 after the election, and Caroline's first year of school and see where we were.  I had talked with a few people about the notion of renting our home out since selling wasn't an option right now.  No one seemed interested.  That was fine.  But we had these friends who wanted to get up here...but we just weren't sure our home would be a fit.  But as Jason and I talked about maybe finding renters we kept saying..."Well, if they could be someone we would know...like the Jones'...then maybe we would consider renting."  But no one was wanting to.  But then about 4 weeks ago...the Jones' actually called and said "Hey what would you think about us renting your home...and we are selling our home at the end of August...."  AHHHHHH so many thoughts began running through our brain...what? how? now? But Caroline will have just begun Kindergarten...does this mean we should home school now?  But wait we felt such a peace about her going to public school...

So we took some deep breaths.  We prayed a bunch.  Had some very candid conversations.  Spoke with our financial dude...and lo and behold it is happening.  We found a home to rent.  The lease has been signed...and we are moving...NEXT WEEK!!!

When I was sharing with my parents about all of this I was so encouraged by my mom's perspective.   I might be surprised by the timing.  But you (my mom speaking) have been praying about moving since Jason took the job, 1.5 years ago...the Lord is not surprised by the timing -nor does He think it is fast.

So true.  Just when I feel overwhelmed by the pace of all of this...I am reminded that my Lord...the once I claim as Savior...The One whom I trust knows all of this and then some.  I refer to a talk I heard Dr. Charles Stanley given once at a conference at our church often and he said this.  "If the Lord is asking you to be obedient.  He has already assumed all of the responsibility of the consequences of your obedience."  Amen.  So us taking a step in faith and acting out of obedience to move our family means the Lord has assumed the responsibility of our obedience.  Thank you Lord.  Doesn't mean hardship won't ever come.  But it does mean my GOD has it all figured out.

So.  For some out of the Atlanta area you might be thinking but your still in "Atlanta" right.  Well, yes...but here it might as well be moving to another state.  It feels like a really big deal.  I have told Jason over and over that I am so thankful that I do life with him.  We are a good team.  We falter and fail one another yet still choose to do this life with each other despite our shortcomings.  So very thankful for him.

I wonder dear reader what perhaps the Lord might be asking you to be obedient about.  Take comfort in knowing he has the consequences of your obedience under his responsibility.  So take that step and go.  We are.

It's Coming...The Education

So a couple of weeks ago our family is out to Costco for our bi-monthly trip there...of course dining of the hot dog/pizza of choice for dinner.  We run into another friend.  We are chatting about life...school comes up.  She asks where Caroline will attend.  Then the discussion of when the first day of school is began.  I was SURE it was Monday Aug. 13.  She was SURE it was Thursday Aug. 9.  I was not prepared for what happened in my heart.  We looked it up...it's the 9th!

How did this happen?

How is it not correct in my calendar?  Four less days....

I know, I know...is this really a big deal?  For me...holy cow yes!  This is our official last full week of summer.  The last full week of life as we have known it.  The last full week of lunches.  I don't know why it gets me but the lunch thing is what puts a lump in my throat.  Will she be able to open _____?  Will she actually like the food I pack?  Will she, will she, will she....miss me?

There is a part of me that desperately hopes she will miss me.  Then there is that part of me as well that truly hopes she doesn't.  That as with other things in Caroline's life she would be looking ahead...see the challenge...be excited about what it holds and not look back.  I believe this is how she will be.  I am thankful for that.

Later that night Jason and I were folding laundry in our bedroom, the kids were already in bed...and I LOST it!  Holy cow sobbing ensued.  The loss of those 4 days hit me hard.  I began to grieve some things about her entering school world (whether it had been home school, private, or public this all would be true) is that I CAN NOT shelter her from what is to come.  I can not protect her heart for her. I can not keep kids from saying cruel things to her.  I can not ...

I am thankful that I do believe she knows her protector.  I think when she is afraid at school.  Or hurt in her heart that she will remember the simple prayer we have said with the kids since they were babies.  "Jesus help."  I pray even as I type this that He will help her remember that.  And when the hurtful words, and heart aches occur over the next several years in the growing up process that He will equip Jason and I with the right wisdom to help her, and she will say "Jesus help."

We have bought the tennis shoes.  We have bought the first day of school outfit.  We will buy school supplies this weekend.  The new lunch box from Grammy has arrived.  It's gonna happen isn't it?

She is going to fly out that car door.  She is going to leap into learning.  She is going to love it.  But what this momma realizes again...is that since the day she was born I have been learning to let go.  Learning that she did need to sleep somewhere other than my shoulder, and in our room as an infant...so we let her go.  I did need to attend worship without her...so to Waumba she went and we let her go.  She needed to learn to play at someone elses home with out me...so we let her go.  She needed to learn to swim without me...so we let her take off the floaties and go.  She needs to learn from someone other than me...so we are letting her go.

My sweet Caroline.  I can't wait to watch you grow and learn from ALL life has to offer you!  I am continuing to learn what it means to let you go.  Be patient with me.  I might cry...but hopefully not until I turn around and leave you at your Kindergarten room.  

Jesus help.

I am a sap.  Sorry for all the photos.

First Time Obedience...Really?

I have been thinking about this concept of first time obedience for a long time.  I have been using it as I parent.  Knowing in my mind that I expect my children to obey the first time mommy asks something.  The answer is to be "Yes ma'am."  Action should follow.  This is the dream, right?  I think about my goal in wanting this desired behavior.  When I have thought about it in the past it has been because I want to teach my children ultimately about submission to authority...that of Christ.  I pray that that trickles down and they are able to show submission and respect to a boss, a teacher, us...but ultimately by teaching my child this...I hope it is to Christ.

Have you ever taken a step back and looked at yourself as a parent.  Then thought about what does the Lord see as he watches you parent.  What does He think as He parents us? So I did this.  And I wonder if the Lord has shown something to my heart about this concept.

In nature this concept is great.  I think it helps make a sound home.  But what I found that was actually in practice was this.  I would ask a child to do something (like pick up toys).  Wouldn't happen, they were distracted.  I am at the sink doing dishes so am calling across the room...don't really have their attention.  I ask again.  "Caroline, Wyatt do you hear my words?"  "Yes ma'am."  Still not action.  I finally go over (as I should have the first time) and get their eyes, ask again, lay out the consequence or shall I say threat of what will happen, ask again, and finally there is action.

I have wondered is it okay that once the threat of punishment is reminded to my kids they typically jump into action.  Is this okay?  I mean, don't I want them to act without me having to threaten punishment.

....but then I had a moment with the Lord one morning while exercising.  Often times I ask you Allison for action.  You are distracted.  You hear my voice in the background.  You think I probably should address that...and yet still you sit...unmoved by my request.  I call a bit louder and you begin to process maybe taking action, but that would take effort, or pain, or conflict....so I come and get your eyes on mine, remind you of the consequence of your actions of lack there of...you process...and you come.  Oh sweet girl.  I would love first time obedience out of you as well.  It is not your nature.  I am thankful however that you can process through.  Even if it is the threat of the consequence that drives you to obedience...and not just out of respect for me that you come...the point is that you still come.  I love you.


And that my dear readers is my new eyes open thoughts on first time obedience.  I think as adults we process through everything that our kids process through.  And, if we are honest it is the threat of the consequence that often times drives us to obedience, or making a wise choice.

So.  Keep expecting obedience.  Keep asking.  Keep following through on punishments...but allow the process to happen.  I don't want a robot.  I want a child who can process through what is happening.  Think it all the way through to the outcome...and make a choice.  Hopefully it is a wise one.

Weeping...Still

I haven't written in awhile.

Must be summer.

Must be three kids.

Must be that my heart is still healing and I wonder do you truly want to know where I am?  Do you dear reader, want to read about someone else's hurt...

This is the thing I know.  Grief comes out of the blue.  I truly have been doing really well.  I wouldn't say that I think about loosing the baby even every day any more which is so nice to be honest.  But the other night I found myself weeping .... again.  Poor, sweet Jason.  We are planning our first get-a-way (longer than 1-2 nights) from our kids since Caroline was born...so over 5 years.  We knew this was an important thing to plan in our 2012 year and we are making it happen.  As we were finalizing which week in October...I just all of a sudden lost it.  I began to weep...see we will be going right when I would have been around 37 weeks pregnant....that's when our other 3 were delivered.
I wept the fact that we will be able to go.  Isn't that silly?  And I kept weeping.  It came from the very gut of me.  So sad to not know that little one.  So so very sad.

I tell you this not because I am hoping for a bunch of encouraging comments that we will make it through this.  Because see I know this.  But I think that there are women out there who have lost little ones and you may not know that others still cry like you do....or that it is okay to cry...still.

I think that grief comes out of nowhere when Wyatt will come and lay his head on my tummy and say something about the baby in there.  BAM!  I will remind him that there isn't a baby any more.  He sighs, and says "Oh yeah."  Then later that same evening..."Mommy, we will have to have more water in the bath tub for when the new baby is in here with us."  BAM!  "No bud, remember there isn't any new baby anymore."  "Oh yeah."  Days will go by and he will talk about the names we should talk about for the baby.  BAM!  "No bud...."  I pause...I tell him that would be a fun name (some thing CARS themed), but remember there isn't a baby to name any more.

I wept last night and the possible end of this season.  For a woman, at least this woman, bearing children has been something I have dreamed about since being a little girl, and now the thought that that era is finished is daunting.  I am not sure that I have dreamed past this stage...and for a dreamer that is interesting.  My worth CAN NOT be in raising children.  The weeping is honest.  It's what I do with that weeping that will set forth my attitude towards the future.  Does not bearing children anymore say something about my age...that my youth is ending...but that isn't a bad thing.  I told Jason that stopping having children seems to mean that I have put and end so to speak to the length of time I will have this job.   I am realizing I think as I type...that I haven't dreamed past children.  I can't tell you what that looks like. What do you do after you've had your dream job?

Perhaps it's time to allow myself to dream.  Do you?

Teaching Modesty...

It is an interesting thing...modesty.  Wanting to look trendy, cute, stylish, thin, fun, expressive, pretty...yet teaching that in today's world is difficult.  I know that I can't expect to have a conversation with my girls when they are teens about appropriate or modest clothing if I haven't been having the conversation with them from the beginning.  And I can't expect Wyatt to look at girls with respect about their bodies if he hasn't seen me model it and teach it to our girls.

I had a friend stop me today and ask where I got my running shorts because her teenage daughter noticed that I was dressed modestly and wanted to know where I got them.  It caught me a bit of guard.  I hadn't thought about my shorts being modest...but I guess in today's fashion they are.  The mom said, "You never know who is watching you to see how you choose to dress."  I guess I had thought about it in relation to what my kids see, but not as much about what my friends kids see.   It is possible to have influence without meaning to.

 I guess choosing modest clothing has been instilled in me since a young age.  No bikini's were allowed in our household.  My mom always said that she trusted me she just didn't trust the guy looking at me.  I didn't understand that, and probably didn't until I got married.  I have heard from some friends that living in the south you just can't say no to bikini's because we all vacation at the beach.  Really?  Is that the reason.  (Sorry not trying to offend, I thought that was a silly reason.)  I remember a very specific time in a department store.  I wanted a mini-skirt so bad.  My parents and I were out shopping.  We found one.  So cute.  But it was a mini-skirt.  My parents had me try it on and then they began asking me questions like.  "How will you pick something up off of the ground if it falls?"  I started to bend over.  They stopped me and said, "No if you are going to wear this skirt then you squat down and pick it up keeping your knees together."  Then I had to show them how I would sit in a chair.   I remember it like it was yesterday.  I don't think before that moment I had given much thought to how I bent down to pick something up or how I would sit in regards to my clothing.  I would forever think about it from that moment on.  All it took was my parents teaching me.  I got to get the skirt by the way.

Another time in high school I was wearing a looser fitting shirt that I hadn't thought much about what would happen when I bent over.  I didn't look at myself as a sexual being if that makes sense.  I didn't look at my body and think some boy would lust over it.  But I remember leaning over someone at a basketball game and a boy I knew commented that he liked my bra.  I was horrified.  I would forever put my hand up on my chest when I bent over now.  All it took was someone making me aware.  One time in the safety of my parents...another in the lustful comment of a teenage boy.  I guess I would prefer for my children to have those comments coming from the safety of a parents voice.

Caroline and I have begun to talk about this since she was being potty trained.  Talking about what is appropriate.  What is modest.  As we look at swim suits, we look at modest ones.  Trying to find a tankini (because going potty for a little kid is way easier in a two piece that's for sure) that is modest.  Because there is going to come the time when she is going shopping, and I hope she sees one of my friends and comments that she likes their clothing even though it is modest and wants to know where she can get it. 

This applies to SO MUCH in parenting in general I think.  I can't expect my child to learn and know about how to manage finances when they are older if we don't begin teaching them the "give-save-spend" lesson now.  I can't expect them to know about what the consistent time with God can do in your life if I don't model it and begin teaching about it now...when they are young.  I can't expect them to know what it means to respect the authority of a boss if I don't expect them to respect my authority.  I can't expect my girls to know how to protect the thoughts of the boys they will date if I don't begin teaching modesty now. 

So, I have to look at what I am teaching them.  It's okay to say we can't afford something.  That's good for them to hear.  It's okay for me to say I'm choosing not to eat something because I want to be healthy.   It's good for me to look in the mirror and ask myself if what I am wearing is appropriate.  They are watching...Wyatt too.  I don't want to discount what I hope this lesson teaches Wyatt, not just Caroline and Hope.  It is my job to teach them.  What am I saying...what are they seeing?  Dear reader what are you saying...what are your kids seeing?  It's a hard question to ask.  But their future selves will appreciate it.  Be bold.  Be different.  Start young.  You are doing a good work and you can not come down from it!

A Lesson in Conflict Resolution

I do not proclaim to know how to do this...

I am not very good at it myself...

But I watch my children struggle...and I know I have to help even if it is feeble at best. 

I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day and she shared something about one of her children retreating away from a situation when she is teased, or has a toy taken away...basically when she is treated badly she will go and hide (this a pre-schooler by the way).  We were talking about if this was alright or should she be made to not leave and deal with this hurt right there.

Then there is the typical day in our household where the Caroline and Wyatt tend to play well with one another...but there is the standard "He won't share." or "I don't want to play with him anymore." or "She hurt my feelings." or "Ahhhhhh NO (followed with some version of a push)". 

All of these situations are so very normal.  But it is in the teaching of my little guys, and you yours how to handle these situations that I think will shape their ability to handle conflict resolution as teens and adults in a healthy way.  That's scary right?  I mean...if I am bad at this and would rather retreat how the heck am I going to teach this to my children. 

Prayer.  Yes of course you say.  Patience.  Thankful the Lord's mercies are new every morning.  One more...TIME.  This conflict resolution stuff takes time...took Wyatt an hour the other day.  He would not apologize to his sister for hitting and pushing her down.  So, he sat in his room on his bed (until he decided he would crawl under the covers and take a little snooze ...ummm no), then on the floor by his bed until he could ask the Lord to help him apologize for his inappropriate behavior.  But that took an HOUR.  Geez you would think a kid would snap out of it and want to play....

Oh but wait he is cut from the same DNA as his momma and daddy...and let's be honest don't we stew in it a bit before we go and ask for forgiveness or say "Hey can we talk about what happened that hurt my feelings?"  We take awhile.  So do they.

So in my opinion my friends child who is wanting to retreat when in a hurtful situation - honestly isn't that bad b/c wouldn we want ours to leave a situation where people are hurting them.  But, it's what that child does with it in a few minutes or days.  I think we do have to teach our children about going back...circling back around to the hard situations in life and handling them head on.

I wonder how many of our marriages would be different if we could learn about the circling back...after the emotions have died down...after the hurt has somewhat subsided.  Would some of the marriages been actually saved? 

So this prayer, patience and time that are hard to come by...come in amply supply from our Father.  I have actually prayed that the Lord would somehow stretch the time when I felt like I needed more of it...I don't know if time was actually stretched or he just helped me to be more efficient in the use of that time.  The patience I so desperately need when I lay my head on the pillow at night not quite sure how I will handle another day if it is like today....I wake up with new mercies - not just for my children but also for myself as a mother.  The prayer...well...isn't it wonderful how scripture says that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when just can't utter another word....

The Lord knows you. He knows your children.  I believe He would have us learn and then also teach conflict resolution to our little ones.  In our household it is going to the person you have wronged.  Look them in the eye.  Say I am sorry AND ask for forgiveness.  Then the other person answers back, Yes I forgive you. 

I think the asking for forgiveness part is crucial.  I must admit that when I asked this of Jason in our early marriage he would say you don't need to ask for forgiveness for that.  To which I would answer, but I do.  I disrespected you, or hurt you...or (fill in the blank) against you...please forgive me.  It's probably because my mom drilled in my head as a child, teen and young adult this phrase and it has stuck with me.

"Are you sorry you did it or are you sorry you got caught?"  (note to self...it might be time to begin saying that around here)

I think most of us would say - if we were honest - we are sorry we got caught.  But that isn't the true repentant heart.  Sometimes I would answer my mom that I was genuinely sorry I did something...I think the punishment changed if that was the answer...but they created such a climate at home that we also knew it was okay to answer that we were sorry we got caught. 

I want to be sorry I did something.  I want to teach that to my children.  I want them to have healthy interpersonal relationships with those around them.  Not stuffing anger away, but learning that sometimes you need a little space to calm down, but then how to go and circle back and make it right.

Teach me Lord.  Teach my children through me.  I am doing a good work and I can not come down from it.

Conversation with Caroline

It was a typical night. All kids were up in bed. Caroline had made her one trip down adventure. She gets to leave her light on until 8:30, reading or singing or playing...Jason told me earlier that she wanted me to come up and tell her to turn her light off at 8:30...and do the final tuck in. I think I remember saying "Really? She can't handle it if I don't come up there." It would be 8:30 in about 10 min. It's not that I mind going up...well...kind of...it's just I am tired by that point...I know she just wants one more interaction...one more hug...one more I love you. How can that be wrong. It isn't but sometimes...I am just so tired by that point that I don't always have the best attitude. Not that anyone else out there has this struggle too. So...it's 8:30pm I trek up there. We pull books out of her bed...toys out of her bed...snuggle her in...turn out her light. I lean in real close and pray the typical prayer I say over our kids, "Lord, I pray that someday Caroline will choose to ask you into her heart and call you Lord and Savior. I pray for her special man someday that he will know You and love Caroline like her daddy loves me." I hadn't barely said "Amen" and her sweet little voice began this conversation...

 C: Mommy I already did that.
Me: Already did what?
C: I already asked Jesus into my heart to be my Lord and Savior.

- trying not to get too emotional b/c she sometimes retreats when you make a big deal

Me: You did? Caroline that is awesome. I am so proud of you. When did you do that?
C: A few days ago when you were still feeding Hopey and I was outside playing. I did it all by myself (very proud of this) when no one else was around.
Me: I am really proud of you. Tell me more about what you said.
C: I was looking out at the woods and started getting scared so I just asked Jesus to come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior.
Me: Cool. That is a really big deal Caroline.
C: (as she is stroking my face) Mommy when did you ask Jesus to be your Lord and Savior?
Me: When I was about your age.
 C: I don't think Wyatt knows much about that.
Me: Well, you can tell him about it sometime.

 I came downstairs trying to hold it together and shared with Jason. We have prayed this prayer over her so many times and this is the only time that she has said this to us or asked me about when I did it. Jason and I both agreed that this is enough for now. There will be plenty of time for theology and does she understand sin...what she understands now is that when she needed help...she turned to Jesus. Not ME! I love that! Oh that she will always run to the Lord FIRST!

I could hardly think about anything else for awhile. When I covered her up before I went to bed I just looked at her sleeping and thought Oh Lord - eternity with Caroline. Thank you! Then the gracious hand of the Holy Spirit to draw her to him before she hits public school in the fall. I am grateful. I just wanted to share that this really BIG thing happened in our family. It was simple. Caroline didn't make it hard. Jason and I could have made it hard when she shared by getting all theological on our 5 year old...most importantly our LORD didn't make it hard! I am proud. I am excited. I have been praying for this since July 2006 when we found out we were pregnant with her. Answered prayer.

*Pics are of Caroline in her ballet recital costume for picture day and at the mother/daughter princess party.

No Matter What

Life. It has curve balls. It has unanswered questions. It is full of hope. It is full of opportunity. It is a training ground...not just for my kids...but for me as well. Some updates. I am good. My heart is good. I am healing. I am learning that there is a difference between remembering and dwelling. There is totally the option of remaining-forever, in the place of lost child. Of always having it have to be a part of conversation. Or, there is the option of letting what happened be a PART of my heart...and I can grieve when needed...I can talk about it when necessary...but it doesn't have to be a part of all of my thoughts or conversations. In a weird way...there is healing in the forgetting. Does that make sense? It's not a forgetting of what has happened...but it is a forgetting or a refusal to let the loss consume and take part of my conversations from now until I die. I know people who reside in this place...never moving on...never allowing what has happened to be a part of their story...but not the WHOLE story. So...I am working on remembering not dwelling. Most recently, I was in the hospital on Monday-Tuesday for about 24 hours. I am not trying to be redundant, but I am assuming that some of you read this that don't necessarily see all my fb posts. Ahhh you must have a life! Ha! I have been having some dizziness, and chest pain. And honestly...still do even now as I type this...it was all a little freaky to me on Monday when the symptoms were all happening at the same time...I even went and checked my blood pressure. I have a cuff here at home b/c of the high bp's I have had through my other pregnancies. My BP was high too....so off to the ER I go. We literally did almost every test they could have I think...and ALL tests came back normal. Since I am one degree (or two) shy of a medical degree here are my thoughts on this whole event that has happened. With every pregnancy I have suffered from high BP either during (except Hope) and after (all 3) from High BP for about 6-8 weeks post-partum. I have been told that I was not far enough along in the 4th pregnancy to have these kind of issues after the loss...however...I have never had BP issues unless I am prego or just had a baby. Let's be honest. I had a baby...be it early...my hormones are still having to adjust and get back to normal and for me post having a baby this is normal high bp for me...soooo I am still checking my BP at home (for my peace of mind) and going to report those in to the OB at my post op appointment in a couple of weeks and just see what he says about it too. My spiritual side of learning from this latest experience...I want so badly to be filled with praise NO MATTER the situation. I kept telling myself in the hospital that no matter what they tell me praise HIM! However, as it began to look like nothing was the matter I just started getting ticked off at having to be there...then I found myself praying and realizing that I had said NO MATTER the outcome...praise him...even if that means I am there - in a hospital - Jason is at home withe the kids missing work - and I was there...still PRAISE HIM! So, I began to walk the halls and pray for those in the rooms I was passing. I was going to Praise even through the boredom...through the hassle of being there...through the poking and prodding, the "cardiac wing"...I would Praise Him! I have also begun to ask the Lord if this is his way of using my body to tell me that we are finished...having more children...that perhaps it is time to give my body a break. I am so blessed to have been able to have 3 very healthy children w/ all of the complications of being diabetic. There wasn't a heart attack this time...but would next time be different post-partum? We are praying and seeking the Lord for answers to this question. Praying the Lord would ready my heart no matter the answer...and that I will choose to praise him NO MATTER what!!! Scripture says that we are to consider it ALL JOY! So...I am. I am going to consider loosing the baby a JOY...somehow. I am going to consider this expensive 24 hour stay away from my family (not quite how I envisioned it) a JOY...somehow. I am going to consider the fact that we might be finished having children...a JOY...somehow. What is it dear reader that you need to be praising HIM about and considering JOY NO MATTER what? Ask the question. Find the answer.

Celebrating & Grief

First things first. Thank you so much for all of your prayers and messages. They have been felt and witnessed in so many ways that I hope to share today. This is a bit of a lengthy post so thanks for indulging me as I need to share my heart. I must start with Friday night. My in-laws said they would like to come and watch the kids so Jason and I could go out alone. It was so good. We celebrated that little life lost. We laughed, cried, and just were. We had a great dinner and then saw a movie...good for my heart. Heading to bed that night I wept. I mourned in the quiet of our room...just Jason and I...mourning the thought of never being pregnant again...mourning the thought that I was just sorry it happened and there was NOTHING I could do about it...mourning the "what if's" the questions we don't have to know the answers to yet. Like: What if this was our 4th. Maybe God had called us to raise 3 but have 4. Mourning. My sweet husband just letting me cry. Each of us letting the other handle this in the way that is unique to both of us. Saturday was a day of life celebration. See...Hope Elizabeth (our 3rd) turned one! What?!!! She is ONE! Oh my goodness. We had a few friends and family gathered that afternoon for food and festivities. I was so thankful for that day. Someone commented about the sweet timing of this all! I totally agree. We got to celebrate life the day after we learned of our littlest ones passing! God's grace in that was just that...gracious. I really feel like I was able to celebrate Hope that day. I wasn't grieving our glory baby (what I have begun to refer to this little one as)...I was in the moment celebrating her first year of life with our friends and family. That night there was just a river of tears flowing. It was some of that from the very depth of you weeping. Grief. I have found that there are moments when I can just speak of this and not get choked up at all...and then other moments where the sorrow will just overflow right on out of my tear ducts. I am trying to be authentic in my grief. Meaning if I feel it coming (like I did when I was hugging my chiropractor today...yikes) then I am just gonna let it come...but if I'm doing good...I promise I am not putting up a front and trying to "be strong". Sunday...a time for worship. It was so good. I anticipated that this might be a little emotional for me...worship usually is (shocker)...but then we got to the 3rd song...and the weeping began. I was right next to Jason (that doesn't always get to happen with his role on Sundays) I just laid my head on his shoulder, raised my hands in the air and wept...it was going to be my last day with this little one. My last day to hold it. Let me pause here to say a few things about what I was wrestling with in my heart and mind. See we have some dear friends of ours who the wife is a social worker in Labor and Delivery at a local hospital. She called on Friday night and asked me several questions I wasn't prepared for or even thought possible for that matter. I am going to share what she did...in case there is someone out there who might want to know these things too. She asked these hard and wonderful questions. *Did I want to hold the baby? *Did I want to take pictures? *Did I want to have feet/hand prints done? *Did I want to talk about cremation? What? This totally caught me off guard. I didn't think any of thins kind of a thing was possible with only having carried this one 9 weeks. I had thought those that have carried babies further than me and lost them this would be possible...but not this early. She said she had held an 8 weaker...what? Oh my goodness. I began to wrestle with this. Now she works at a hospital where this might be more possible than at a surgery center where I would be. Jason and I wanted to handle this in the way that was right for us. Not everyone. We knew we would have one chance to handle this process with this child...we didn't want any regrets. My mom gave me some great words as we processed this. She said, "Honey if you can't physically in your hand hold this baby don't worry about that. You HAVE been holding this baby for 9 weeks in the most intimate way anyone ever could...within you...as close to your heart as you ever would be able to...you HAVE been holding this baby. Ahhh I needed to hear that. Ultimately, where I landed was this. I am a very visual person who has struggled with nightmares my whole life. I didn't want to ask to hold the baby because I didn't want to give Satan any opportunity to turn this beautiful thing into a nightmare. BUT...I did want to ask if they could do the footprints of the baby. I went and bought some simple white linen paper and an ink pad...ready to ask...but okay if they say it wasn't possible. Sunday night my mother-in-law came back over to spend the night. As I walked upstairs with the meds in my hand to begin the process...I wept in her arms saying "I don't want to do this. I don't want to say good-bye. I hate that this is happening." I went upstairs. Wept more with Jason over the reality of saying good-bye...facing tomorrow...wanting to be brave and courageous...not fearful of the process...I took the meds and fell asleep weeping. I am thankful for the moments when I would wake and praise songs would be going through my head as I fell in and out of slumber. That was a gracious thing from our Lord. Monday morning came. We headed out to the surgery center...I hadn't thought about the other grieving women that would be there that morning. I was filled with prayer for them and their husbands as they were about to endure something awful too. Let me say that while this was an awful part...there was such a graciousness of our Lord to care for me through strangers. Those of you who are in the medical profession...thank you for realizing that some of life just flat out sucks and acknowledging it. So when I went in (the first one of the day) the nurse right off the bat as I was getting ready to sign some papers said "I am so sorry you are here today." Just saying that was filled with such compassion for us and what we were going through HUGE! Then I have to sign a paper that has the most awful word on it (missed abortion) she says again to me "I just want you to know this is a medical term and it is just awful it just means that you had a miscarriage. I am sorry that is the word." Again, her acknowledgment of the situation was HUGE. Then she gives me the clothes to change into and says "Oh I don't like those gowns...let me get you my favorite kind." What...she didn't have to do that...but the Lord had prepared her in advance for what I would need that day and whether or not she was a believer she followed her intuition to say certain things and have her actions match that. She wasn't the only one. The anesthesiologist came over and also said, "I'm so sorry for why you are here today. (but then he would crack a joke) but I've got some great meds for you. You're gonna take a great nap and we will take care of you and it will all be okay." Amazing care...thank you. Next my sweet sweet doctor came to see us. He asked if I had questions. I had a couple and one being about the footprints. He smiled and let me know that the baby really didn't have the information yet to have those fully so that wouldn't be an option. I was at peace with that. I am so glad I asked though. Then we asked about the remains. He said they would be sent to a lab to be analyzed and then would be cremated. That was so peaceful for me to think about. Then we asked if he would pray with us. He said absolutely. The 3 of us held hands, Jason prayed, and we all cried. Thankful for that moment. I was then taken back...had to climb onto the table myself. Didn't really expect that. I found myself thankful that my eyesight is so bad because then I could really make out all the details of the operating room...They were all still so careful with me...so kind. I began to weep. I didn't expect that. Oxygen...kind words in my ear...my doc squeezing my feet...and I was asleep. That might have been more information for you than you wanted. But this is cathartic for me to share. I don't know who is reading. Several of you have (in unexpected ways) commented that you didn't know how our story was already helping you to grieve some loss in your life...or draw you nearer to our Lord...sweet Jesus...that our little glory baby might draw not only us closer to you but total strangers...well then I will be obedient and share my heart...my honest, raw heart. In parting for today...and I know it's been a longish read...I share this. With each of our children we have chosen verses and songs for them. I believe I have shared about the verses before...Jason chose the girls. I chose Wyatt's and now this little ones song. Once we've chosen the verse I will share that as well. Caroline's verse: Ps 86:11 "Teach me your way and I will walk in your truth. Give me an undivided heart and I will fear your name." Her song: well can you guess "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond Wyatt's verse: 1 Chronicles 4:10 "O that you would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory. That your hand would be with me. That you would keep from evil that I may not cause pain." His song: from The Four Seasons "Can't Take my Eyes Off of You" Hope's verse: Colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord and not for men." Her song: by Bruno Mars "Just the Way You Are" #4's song: A friend (Thank you Emily) in a post reminded me of a song I knew way back when and it is a perfect song for our littlest. by the old group Watermark (Christy and Nathan Nockels) "Glory Baby" If you haven't heard this song it is a must listen...especially if you too have lost a little life. Blessings dear readers. Blessings to those of you who have lost a child...grieved their going...and celebrated their life no matter how short...continue in that process...the grieving and the celebrating. I am.

And So We Choose to Celebrate

Dear readers...

This morning at my 9 week update we discovered that our littlest one's heart has stopped beating.

I was in for my routine 9 week ultrasound (I have several due to my Type 1 Diabetes). I had brought Wyatt with me because we were going to have a date afterward. I was helping him with something on my phone when I looked at my sweet sweet doctor. He was quiet...looking. I said, "Is everything alright?" He grimaced and turned the screen toward me. I knew immediately. I said, "Oh there isn't a heart beat." He said, "No there isn't Allison, I am so sorry."

Side bar. I have thought about this scenario before. What will I do when someone tells me horrible, terrible news. I have thought often about Michelle Duggar (I am a fan) and the episode that they showed of them discovering they had lost Jubilee. Her first words were in praise to the Lord. I wanted to be this kind of woman. I want my response to the tragedies of life to be praise for and toward our Lord.

I am thankful that the first words out of my mouth were. "Thank you Lord. I am thankful you love this little baby more than we do."

My sweet sweet doctor is a believer. He would just squeeze my leg or foot. He explained that by the size he believes it was at about 8 weeks 4 days. That would've been last Sunday. A great day to go home to glory. You must know I believe that. I believe this child had a soul even in this tiny form. I had already seen and heard the heart beat at 6 weeks 2 days on my first ultrasound. Honestly, I am so thankful I heard my child's heart and saw it even if I will never feel it's beating in this life.

After the nurse left I started crying even more. I looked at my doctor who too had tears in his eyes. He said how sorry he was. I told him how thankful I am that he is a believer. Somehow it makes it easier in that moment. I told him how thankful I was that he was the one telling us and not someone else. I am thankful for the body of Christ.

When we got home we got Caroline and Wyatt together and shared with them that sometimes things happen that are sad and that we have no control over. The doctor told Mommy at her appointment that the babies heart had stopped beating. Now the baby lived with Jesus. My tummy won't get big. We won't bring a baby home from the hospital. They said ok. Then asked when do we get to have another baby? Later in the car Caroline asked this sweet question. "Momma when the baby is in heaven will it look like a baby?" I don't know. I believe we will know each other. Someday. I will know my baby. What it looks like...boy/girl? Our hugs will just have to wait a while to that time in glory.

It is heartbreaking. Yet I will celebrate. I have to. I have to choose this option in the my mourning of my child. Tonight we are going as a family to dinner to celebrate this life. Our kids don't necessarily know why we celebrate...but some day I will explain it again and they will understand. This was a life. A life worth celebrating.

I will have a DNC on Monday morning if it doesn't happen over the weekend. I would covet your prayers for that procedure.

I know many many women have had this happen. I am thankful that to this point this is our first time going through this experience. I will as usual try to be honest about what I am going through. Anticipating that the Lord might just use this to comfort another grieving heart.

I am thankful we chose to tell all of you in the earliest days. Knowing that if we should ever go through this...there would be this community to wrap their arms around us and pray. So...thank you. We are going to celebrate. Join us.

Deuteronomy 29:29 "The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever."

Media Removed...Hello Wyatt

There are things that I think I knew about my kids...and perhaps kids in general. Somehow...in the midst of a hard time with one of them I feel like I forget those things that seem intuitive. So...I thought about whether or not to share...thinking you might say "I know this." But perhaps there is one of you out there who reads this that this idea might make a difference in your little one.

I often find myself saying to my children..."This is my job. It is my job to protect you that's why I don't want you playing in the front yard with out an adult." OR "It is my job to protect you that's why I don't want you jumping off the back of the couch onto your baby sister. It's not safe for either of you." But I didn't take into account sometimes about the mind.

I work very hard to create an environment here at home that hopefully is peaceful, playful, and filled with the opportunity to praise (each other and the Lord). In my efforts to also find the uniqueness of each child and meet those needs be it with discipline, words, time, touch, stories, fun....sometimes the balance gets out of whack.

If you have read any of my previous posts about our dear Wyatt Christopher you know he is all boy. He is 3. He loves to laugh and have fun...and he is testing us with his anger and lack of self-control. In my last post I mentioned that a new sheriff had arrived and we were going to try to teach him to gain some self-control and thrive. While there was remarkable improvement right away...I realized that if I had heard some of his answers to me from other kids to their parents I would think that the kid might be running the show. The spoon began to travel in the diaper bag...I would lay out my expectations before a specific situation...and still although no on the floor kicks, screams, or even all out bursts of tears...there was an underlying growl that seemed to still be surfacing. There was not an acknowledging of disappointment filled with obedient action. He was still saying "NO" and maybe crossing his arms. The HEART issue was still around.

Now...I don't know if you have ever noticed in your children that when they have had a few days of too much TV that their behavior is rough shall we say. I notice it. That is why on most days (not Sat or Sun am) there is one 30 min show that they watch as we are winding down for the night. I totally see a correlation between their behavior and how much TV they are allowed to watch.

This is when the light bulb went off for me. You might be saying "Oh I could've told you that..." well I figured it out for me...and maybe it will help you too.

One way I have mentioned in a previous post that we had tried to make going to potty fun for Wyatt was when he went he got to play "Cars 2" on my phone. He would go squeeze out a few drops just at the thought that he might get to play. He would manipulate situations to get to play more. He would pitch fits when it was time for it to end...but by golly it got him on the potty. Here's the light bulb. That phone was wrecking havoc on my boy. He is good at that game. He replays it in his mind. He will recount moves he's made on that game to me like he is living a race himself. I think he was so jacked up on adrenaline rushes...that he needed another "fix" and he would do what was necessary to get that adrenaline rush of a fix. I really believe the Lord laid this idea on my heart. I mentioned it to Jason and said I would like to just try removing this from his day and see if there was any change. Honestly, at this point there was nothing to loose.

That night while tucking Wyatt in Jason and I TOGETHER (that is key I think) talked with him. I told him that Daddy and I had made a decision that we knew he wasn't going to like. We also told him that there were going to be lots of decisions in his life that we would make that maybe he wouldn't understand, that he might be mad with, that would disappoint him...BUT that it was our job to protect him and do what is best for him. We told him that he would no longer be able to play on my phone for anything until we could see him choose to have self-control and respect for those around him. We still expected him to go potty and we could find a different kind of reward...but the phone was not an option any more. He hung his head. There was no fit. There was no push back. He understood.

The next day he did ask in the morning. I reminded him about the conversation daddy and I had with him the night before. He hung his head, grabbed his lovie, and was clearly sad. BUT...there was no fit.

I need to tell you dear reader that I feel like I have my boy back. I hadn't realized how affected he had become from playing a few min at a time a few times a day...it was robbing us of Wyatt. The change has been utterly remarkable I think. Now, this is not to say that we still haven't had a spank or two in there...or a few times up in his room to calm down. But this is NORMAL 3 year old behavior as opposed to the unchecked 3 year old that seemed to be taking over my boy.

Reader...be willing to protect your child even when you know they aren't going to like what you are going to do. It is our job. Have courage. You are in charge. They are not.

You are doing a good work and you can not come down. I hope this has been helpful. Blessings to you dear sweet moms as you are shaping these sweet sweet lives.

A New Sheriff is in Town

First of all let me apologize for the lack of writing. I usually accomplish this task during naps in the afternoon...but as of late I am exhausted with this pregnancy already and am using this time to snooze a bit myself. I also want you to know dear reader that I won't write unless there is something to write about. At the beginning of this process I thought I would try to write 4ish times a week...I am amazed at those "bloggers" who actually have something to say daily. I won't write unless I think it helpful...the Lord lays something on my heart...or Wyatt does something hilarious! Ha!

So for today's post.

There is a new sheriff in town folks. We have been experiencing some of that 3 year old anger, not getting your way, want it my way, angst in this house. It seemed to start little...thought we could "talk" about it...mention the alternative if he didn't change the behavior and then move forward. It wasn't working. You know it seems like it just sneaks up on me sometimes. I will think I have a handle on something...we are moving forward...then I realize...Oh crap! My child is really struggling in the midst of their humanness...sinful nature. Fast forward in my brain 10 years and this is a holy terror of a teen ager who is yelling the "B" word at me as he slams his door.

Now that might seem a bit extreme...but what does anger/temper tantrum look like on a 13 year old? I don't know...don't want to know...thankful for my imagination to serve as a motivator to nip this in the bud (it is bud right?...not butt?).

I have known for a few days something had to give. Then when we got home from small group last night and our sweet sitter gave us the run down...his 4 times on the floor crying over what seems nothing was unacceptable...the kicking...no sir. So Jason and I pow wowed together (this is key reader...I often think I can do this alone I can think of the punishment alone...but including your spouse if you are able is huge...you are both on the same page and I can let the child involved know that we are both on the same page and we decided this together) and came up with the punishment.

I made a specific effort to make sure I was up, prayed, journaled, and felt "covered" for what I was anticipating could be a very difficult day with the new sheriff that is. After breakfast I told Wyatt that we needed to have a conversation and he needed to come with me to the stairs. He was so very compliant. We sat on the stairs and I asked him about his night with the sitter. He told me about it honestly. I asked him if he thought that behavior was acceptable. He said no. I told him that daddy and I had decided he would loose the privilege of watching a show tonight and tomorrow and he would be getting spanks for his behavior last night. Then I explained to him that I made a mistake for not handling this sooner and letting this go on too long until it seemed it was out of control. I apologized for not taking care of it sooner and told him that from here on out, there would be no stomping of his foot, kicking, yelling "But Mommy", or "No Mommy" any kind of disrespect it would be an immediate spank. If he lost it just because something didn't go his way with a sibling or whatever the anger would need to be taken to his room to be dealt with there. I asked if he understood. Had him repeat it to me. Then spanked him for last night.

Then here's the crucial part. I throw my arms around him immediately and begin smothering him with kisses and I love you's! This is one of the things I remember most from my mom's discipline...the I Love You's. Hopefully he will too.

So I am happy to report there have only been two more trips to the stairs and on a few occasions when he realized he had self control he would look at me and say in his precious voice, "Mommy, I didn't kick or stomp this time!" We celebrated and high fived!

Kids love boundaries. He is actually thriving today in a different kind of way than I have seen in awhile with him. He can be angry...just not disrespectful in his anger.

This takes time. Lots of time. Which honestly is a lovely thing about getting to be a stay at home mom...I have LOTS of time with them. What are you spending your time on with your children dear reader. Sometimes I find myself spending time with them...but not "ON" them...It is my job to ready them for the world. If this is left unchecked in my son he will be a horrible employee...horrible husband and father...that isn't acceptable to me.

Another prayer this morning was that I would also be able to catch him in several ways to praise him today. That has happened. Thanks Lord for meeting the Hodges crew where we are at today...filling the gaps...shining through.

Take the time. Their future will thank you.